it's lovee;

.Monday, May 29, 2006 ' 11:25 PM Y

Okay. Like I told BC. I want to change. Myself. Into someone I can look into the mirror and go... Oh hey I love myself. Yup. I need to work on that. Seriously. Its just time I started looking for the place where I truly belong. Right now... I just feel as though I'm drifting through space or something. I totally don't have any sense of direction of where I'm floating to. And I risk getting chased off by the inhabitants of the next planet I'm going to land on. So yup! Its time I started my own navigations. I don't know what I'm going to become... Maybe some of you might say I'm giving attitude... But more like... I'm just expressing my UNhappiness. I don't see any reason why I should keep it all inside and make myself UNhappy. Right? Yea I'll try to work towards that. Of course, I promise I won't lash out unreasonably... I don't want to walk around with a huge PMS label tagged onto me. Well anyways... so maybe you're gonna ask: so how are you going to change? Seriously... I have no idea... I don't know where to start from... But I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it... If it doesn't work, the worst that could happen would be to plunge headlong into the river below... And I can swim a little ok... Lets just pray that the current won't be too strong.

Okay I'm crapping here. Way off the point. But anyways... the deal is: I just think its time I found my real true self. The one that's been either hidden away or hasn't been uncovered yet. I really have no idea what that true self looks like... That's why I have to start searching. And nope, don't worry... No plastic surgery or anything. Okay. Not funny. Nevermind. My brain's a little fuzzed up from all that swimming today. Sorry. But what I've said here is no joke. I'm serious about the changing myself part.

Okay I almost had quarrel with ZX today. ALMOST. I don't think that counted as a quarrel did it? Okay nevermind. It didn't really count as one, not to me. But well... At least I was able to hold my temper in check. Congrats to myself for that. Okay well... I guess I apologised if you found me bitchy or anything but well... its the first time I could talk to you without worrying about how you're going to think or feel. And great. I like that. And the part about you needing to be friendly? Well its really true. Somehow you made me feel like there was this really huge barrier between us. That talking to you would make both of us awkward. No I'm not blaming you. PLEASE don't think that way. I admit that it would mostly be my fault. But well... I've made my point. Its up to you to accept it.

And now... Off to do some blog-hopping. Ta-ta. May blog again sometime next week. Might have some new updates. One never knows. And yes. This really is ME. Although it doesn't sound like me. Irony? Yea I guess so.

loved

.Wednesday, May 17, 2006 ' 11:05 PM Y

Yes. I'm angry. Very. I just don't like it. That you could actually have done something like that. I know you badly wanted to go out with SY. But hey! You'd already promised to come back to find us right? And you didn't even bother to call and tell us about it. If I hadn't called you, wouldn't we have become the three little idiots? Sitting there, waiting and waiting. When's QR going to turn up? When we go home. I mean come on! You knowingly deserted your friends for a date with SY and you mean we're supposed to just pretend nothing happened because you apologised? Okay. Call it hanging out. Call it dating. The bottomline is: You were totally conscious that there were three people back at Van's house waiting for you and you chose to ignore that fact. Just so you could have your own fun with SY. Selfish? Or irresponsible? I mean... Look at it from our point of view. If you were the one waiting there. For like what? 4 hours? 5? I am that positively sure that you would be very angry too. I don't know if you've realised. But you've been bringing up SY a little too much. Just like the way you said BC used to bring up my name all the time. Yup. Its happening with you. No kidding. Its always SY this, SY that. I didn't really use to mind. But this. This was the final straw. I mean... if you keep denying that you like him... and keep emphasizing that you guys are "just friends"... so what is this? Deserting old friends for the new? Or what? I know. That you'll probably feel angry as well when you read this. Sorry. I didn't know how else to get to you. If I'd called you, we'd probably have quarrelled. And that's something that I really DON'T want. I'm just disappointed. That you would do something like that. You. Who claims absolute loyalty to your friends. Or maybe to you, this doesn't count as being, sort of, unloyal? I don't know. And perhaps it just me. Your apology didn't really sound that sincere anyways. Maybe I'm just petty okay. I don't know. Don't ask me what I expect. I can't pinpoint that. But I would certainly have expected a lot more from you. That's also why I feel so disappointed. You don't have to make it up to us. Really. Because well... I don't like waiting you know...

loved