.Friday, July 05, 2013 ' 4:41 PM Y
I am now officially with WordPress. As mentioned before, this blog is going to remain a keepsake for sentimental reasons. Who knows, I might write some stuff here once in a blue moon, but I'm moving on.
I acknowledge that I don't have many readers, but I continue to write because its a passion and also because it is how I express myself best. Still, thank you to any reader who has visited this blog since it was started so many years ago. I continue to write and I will always be writing until the day I lose the ability to do so.
.Friday, May 17, 2013 ' 2:19 PM Y
I'm back! But I'm also moving to WordPress.
Its been almost 2 months since the breakup, and no, I wouldn't say I've totally moved on, but I'm taking baby steps, and what is most important right now is for me to start over anew. For too many years, my whole life has been centered around him. Its taking me a lot of effort to shift away from that habit now.
I still think of him pretty often. I miss the days of joy and laughter we had. I miss the best friend I could turn to no matter what happened. I miss the movie dates we used to have nearly every week. I miss a lot of things. Even now, I still get reminded of him and of us no matter where I go or what I do. I walk past jewellery stores or furniture shops and have to purposely turn my head because I am reminded of what was almost mine but is no more. I avoid news and topics about houses, weddings or what-nots because it is too painful to be reminded that the flat I had been coveting for so long is now out of my reach.
I'm like a drug addict in rehabilitation and the withdrawal symptoms are shit to go through, but each day it gets easier. I'm still very empty inside, but I hope one day I can fill up that empty space inside of me again.
I'm starting over a brand new chapter of life in many aspects. The most important of which is learning to start loving myself. All these years I've always put the people around me as my topmost priority. During the six and a half years we were together, I always put his happiness above my own, especially after we had applied for the flat. To me, he was the one who I was going to marry anyway, and (call me stupid if you like) I believed that as long as he was happy, I would be too.
After everything fell apart, I went through this really painful period of self-doubt, self-hate, and self-blame. I felt that I was the one who had caused him to stop loving me. That I was the one who had destroyed it all by not being good enough, not treating him well enough. I was depressed, suicidal and I seriously contemplated going to a shrink because the frequency of suicidal thoughts swimming around in my mind alarmed even myself.
But as the days went by I started to realise that, in every situation, it take two hands to clap. Sure, I might have been foul-tempered and slightly too unreasonable, but he was the one who disrespected me by continuing to flirt and play around with that girl despite me telling him countless times to not cross the limits. He was the one who decided to end the relationship despite me pleading with him so many times to just give it one more try. He was the one who didn't know how to treasure me and those six years of myself I had given to him. All that we had gone through, all that I had been willing to go through with him, all that we could have been. To him, it didn't matter anymore. It stung badly, but there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
I don't know if I'll ever regret my decision to remove and erase anything that evokes memories of him and us, but right now I can't deal with those memories and I choose to run. Maybe I'm being cowardly or maybe one day I'll look back and berate myself for being so stupid, but at this moment in time, it is what I feel I need to do and I'm sticking with it.
Its not going to be an easy journey to find my self-confidence and to learn to love who I am, but I am going to learn. During the initial phase of the breakup, I was needy and clingy. I needed constant companionship and I was scared to try out new things alone simply because I didn't want to be by myself. But now I realise that there is nothing to be scared about. As long I like what I am doing, as long as I know it is what I want to do, I shall go for what I want. If anyone wants to tag alone, welcome. If not, then I will be my own support.
I'm permanently moving back to WordPress because I have a different concept of what I'm going to be writing about from now on, but I won't give up on this blog. It contains more than 7 years of my life stories and although I want to start afresh now, I know I can't cut off everything just like this. Maybe I'll come back again someday, or maybe I'll do the occasional posts here but whatever it is, I'll be keeping this blog as a memory of the innocence and naivety I used to have.
Goodbye Blogger. Goodbye rain-of-rubies. I'm gonna miss you but I'm gonna have fun at a brand new place now. I'll post the new link once I've sorted out all the layouts and stuff over at the new blog. Cheers to the start of a brand new journey!
.Tuesday, April 23, 2013 ' 5:30 PM Y
I realise I really am going into full shutdown mode. All I want to do is lock myself in my room and gorge myself silly watching Running Man. Just not in the mood to move my ass much.
I've still been in contact with him these past few weeks but its like, I don't know how to talk to him anymore?
Its really hard to explain this but its like, you know there's this awareness that, hey this guy's not my boyfriend anymore, so I don't have the right to ask questions that are too personal anymore. And although I really miss the old buddy to whom I could just talk to about anything under the sun, it feels as that that friend died together with the fact that he's not my boyfriend anymore.
One of the positives of my newfound singlehood is that now I really have the freedom to do all sorts of shit I'd never have been able to do before. Like summer school. I'm still being tentative about this freedom because I don't want to fly too high and lose myself. All of a sudden I feel as though I want to take on the whole world but I don't know if I'm trying to escape from reality or is it because I've been surpressing myself too long.
Sometimes I really feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Is this normal? Everything feels the same but so different at the same time. And I'm starting to get headaches more often. Is it from overthinking? There's this huge jumble of thoughts that I've been struggling to sort out and make sense of. And its really draining to think so much, so hard.
I instinctively know that if he came back now I'd still take him back but at the same time, I feel as though I don't know this person anymore. Am I just being stubborn? What exactly is it that I am clinging on to? I have no idea!
Running Man is the only thing that's keeping me sane nowadays and I am totally NOT exaggerating. Its the only time where I can take my mind off everything. I know I'm like a coward now. I just want to hide my head in a hole and not face the world but its really tiring to put on a smiley face day after day, although its getting slightly easier.
Will not be updating for a while because I know it will just be a jumble of nonsense. I hope I can really sort out my mind soon.
.Monday, April 22, 2013 ' 11:57 AM Y
Sometimes I feel like I can hardly recognise myself. Who am I? What am I doing? Why am I what I've become?
Sometimes I feel so confused. Life seems so much the same, but also so much different. The people around me are the still the same. The places I go to look the same. But the feeling isn't the same anymore. I can't accurately describe this feel, but its just off.
I seldom cry anymore. Sometimes the tears threaten, but its getting easier to hold them back.
I'm starting to feel really restless and irritated very easily. Fighting hard to keep myself from going into shutdown mode as per years before. That urge to just cut off from the world is getting stronger now that the numbness from the pain is wearing off. Its not that I hate the world. Its just that I can't find the energy or the mood to entertain more than 2 people at a time. And even then I sometimes don't even what the hell I'm doing. Weird shit.
I wish I could have been smarter, saved more money, built up more resources. What I really want now is to leave this place and never come back. But I know I can't. I've decided to go for summer school (like, really decided. 100%) next year, probably in Tokyo. And so now I have like 1 year's time to stock up my bank account.
I know this slump, this mood I'm in, is probably going to irritate a lot of people out there. Sooner or later. Hell. I feel irritated and pissed at myself more than anyone knows. Its also the reason why I wanna lock myself up. I feel like a possessed animal sometimes. Like as though I'm gonna go on a rampage. BITE!
See? I'm seriously crazy.
Right. Gonna go off now. Lets hope this crazy ass mood fades off real fast or the next thing you know, I just might be checking in to IMH.
.Thursday, April 18, 2013 ' 6:40 PM Y
Day by day I'm learning to cope with the pain.
I'm still screaming inside, but I'm slowly learning to function like normal again. Even if I have to act normal.
I miss him like crazy. I wish so hard that he could come back to me. If I wish hard enough, will it come true?
I really can't imagine what life is going to be like for me weeks, months, years down the road. I only know that right now, I am walking day by day, step by step.
I still cannot understand how someone could just let go of a 6-year relationship like that. I don't think I ever will. But I will move on.
I'm probably at my most vulnerable now. I'm in a state of denial where I don't want to face anything that might remotely link me back to those past memories. I want to pretend that it all hasn't happened. I want to forget. Maybe one day I can face these memories again with a smile and a light heart, but now, I just want to erase them all.
I hope one day he can wake up and realise that he let go of something truly precious, that our paths can merge again. But for now, I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I just want to go to sleep for years.
I'm still very much emotionally unstable. One moment all I really need someone to be with me, the next moment I just want to be alone and shut the world out. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy soon. Sometimes I feel at peace, sometimes I want to scream and tear my hair out.
How could one person impact my life so much? I never could have imagined. But all I can say is that I will never allow another individual to hold such power over me anymore.
6 years. I lived and breathed for him. I wish I could hate him, but I can't even do that. Every morning I wake up, the love for him hits so hard that I ache all over again. Every night I miss him so fucking much that I just want to end it all.
Am I sinking into depression? I really don't know. One minute I am smiling and laughing, the next minute I'm leaking tears again. All I know is that I just want each day to pass as fast as possible. I dread the nights the most. I don't want to be alone because I know my thoughts will drift. I don't want to hang out because I just don't have the mood and I don't want to dampen anybody's mood.
.Wednesday, April 17, 2013 ' 5:26 PM Y
Today I officially start a new chapter of my life.
I can't say I've moved on, because I really haven't, but I'm making my first baby step forward. I can't promise when I will finally be able to stand on my own but to everyone out there who has been here for me all this while, I really appreciate it a lot. Maybe I've irritated you with my tears and dramatics, maybe you're already tired and burdened by me. All I can offer is a sincere apology.
I still hurt a lot. I'm still in so much pain. The tears still come, and the mind still cannot forget. But I know I will pull through this, and I know one day I will finally emerge from this cocoon that I've enveloped myself in. I can't tell you when, but I can tell you that it will happen. All I ask is a little more patience, no matter how much I've worn you down.
I won't lie and say that I've let go of him. I still love him, and I think I always will. But deep down inside me, I know I've accepted the break-up. Because of this acceptance, I'm in even more pain. But I'm learning to walk through this pain, and long though this journey may be, I will drag myself forward. I still hope that one day we can be together again, but I will move forward.
I know I've been circling around this for weeks, that many times I keep telling myself to wake up and move forward, but many times I continued to fall. I probably will continue to keep falling, but I will continue to pick myself up.
I honestly don't think I can ever fall in love again. I can move on with my life, I can continue walking on this path, but I don't think I can handle another fall. The next time, I might really die.
Please friends, I need you the most now more than I've ever needed anything. I know I've been a huge and heavy burden to you these past weeks, I know I've been dragging everyone down with me, but please, don't desert me now. I'm sorry I have to continue burdening you like this, but bear with me, I won't always be like this.
I will rise from these ashes and become the most beautiful phoenix. I won't let you down.
.Tuesday, April 16, 2013 ' 1:14 PM Y
Its the 3rd week since the breakup, but yesterday night I truly died.
All this while I kept hoping against hope that he would come to love me again. That he would realise that I'm truly the one for him. I put myself through a roller-coaster of emotions but I kept believing that we would be together.
But yesterday night he told me that he really couldn't find back the love.
I can't describe the amount of pain I felt. I only know that I cried and cried for many hours. I heard animal sounds coming from within me but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't breathe, but the tears still came. I have never felt this degree of pain, nor have I ever cried to this extent.
And yet this morning when I woke up, I knew I still love him.
What is wrong with me?
I really have no idea how I am going to walk out of all this pain. I don't know how much time it will take to heal my heart. Heck, I can't even feel my heart anymore. All I can feel is this deep and hollow emptiness somewhere within me. Even now, the tears still threaten to fall whenever I think of him.
Can anybody tell me what I have to do to stop the pain? Its really draining everything I have out of me and I don't have the strength to move. I know all the people who care are also tired of me and I'm really sorry, but I need a little more time to pull myself out.
My world is really black now. I can't die, yet I can't live. Its a torture that I really don't know what I ever did to deserve. I'm nothing left but a walking zombie. Please just let me be taken away to a better place.