it's lovee;

.Saturday, November 21, 2009 ' 1:09 PM Y

Initially wanted to blog yesterday night, but ended up falling asleep straight after my bath and only just woke up an hour ago. xD

Now I've forgotten about 90% of what I had in mind to put in this entry.

Haven't been to KTV for ages and I miss singing!!! But I'm down with the flu now and my voice sounds more like a croak when I try to sing. LOL.

My family's back from Thailand and they've brought home a whole fucking load of stuff. Dried food, one whole luggage worth of new clothes, bags, shoes, and all sorts of weird things. Candles? What for? Haha. Must have had a hell of a time shopping their way around Bangkok and Chiangmai for that one week. I still don't regret not going though, because I know that if I had gone, I wouldn't have enjoyed myself, hotel or no hotel.

Crystal says that I think too much about other people's "motives" and yes, I readily admit that. I don't know when was it that I became so pessimistic about kindness from people. Its ironic really. I'll happily believe that no one is truly evil, but if that kindness is directed towards me, I'll immediately be on my guard. Because I don't think I've done anything worth that bit of kindness and who knows how hefty the price tag attached to it is. Same as the logic that when you allow yourself to be get too attached to people around it, you get hurt more easily too. Maybe that's why I don't make friends so easily. Haha.

Oh, and also thanks to Crystal, I'm now officially addicted to dried longans too. And I'm going crazy right now because I don't know where my mom hid the entire packet! =(

But luckily I still have yummy instant noodles. Kaka~ Off to cook!

P.S. I think Dear's finally getting used to his new job and I'm happy for him. Not to mention that the money coming in is definitely gonna be very useful too. Keke. It'll be Christmas in about a month's time and hopefully things will be more smooth-sailing for us by then.

P.P.S I'm including the videos of some songs that I've added into my playlist. Its from the soundtrack of Easy Life, Happy Fortune and the songs are really nice. Only the last one is a separate song (also a soundtrack, but from another drama) by Roy Qiu.

This is the opening version. Full song is about 3 minutes or so.

loved

.Tuesday, November 17, 2009 ' 11:42 AM Y

One week's gone past just like that. My parents and sister will be back home tonight. Relief, because it'll mean no more chores for a while, but "sian-zation" because the nagging is bound to start soon.

So freaking sleepy right now that I'm totally in zombie mode. Can't wait for the weekend to catch up on my sleep. Been spending the past week at Dear's house, and had to wake up at unearthly hours almost everyday. On the bright side though, its truly pure bliss to be able to fall asleep and wake up beside your beloved every single day. Haha~ Sorry for sounding so cheesy but its really true.

By the way, I tried the new Curry Ramen by Nong Shin and its incredibly yummy! So very different from the usual curry-flavoured instant noodles! Now I'm searching for the cheese one, but just can't seem to find it anywhere. T.T!

Time for work... Still frigging sleepy.

loved

.Saturday, November 07, 2009 ' 6:53 PM Y

How is it that I went from being a carefree kid whose biggest problem in life was dealing with O Levels, to an overgrown teen who keeps worrying about all sorts of stuff, without realising it myself?

Reading that new book by Allan and Barbara Pease has made me learn a lot of things that I never consciously realised. Knowledge that should have been there, but was somehow suppressed because I was simply too tensed and focused on the wrong things. $40 well spent, and I haven't even reached 1/4 of the book yet.

If the statistics in that book are true, then I supposed I'm doomed to contract some terminal disease when I hit my 40s. Haha. And I suddenly realised that I don't want to keep on worrying about so many things anymore. It won't mean that I don't care, but constantly keeping on my mind is just going to wreck my life. Funny how Dear has been trying to tell me this fact for so long, yet it had to take a $40 book to make it sink in. =P

My biggest problem right now is that I need to learn how to relax. Somewhere along the growing up process, it became conditioned into me that money is very important. Maybe it was because of those bills that kept piling up; maybe I was just suffocated by the high expectations placed on me by both my parents and myself.

Believe it or not, I don't think I'm a highly materialistic person. I mean, sure, everyone in this has that little bit of materialism in them, but I'm not the kind who would die without branded stuff. I don't need my boyfriend to shower me with gifts, and I'm not dreaming of living in some huge mansion or driving some posh car. YES, I'd definitely love to if I had the means, but right now I don't, and I'm not going to base the whole reason of my life because of some far-fetched dream. Financially, I'm comfortable with the kind of life I grew up in: with a roof over a head, money to go to school, getting new clothes every now and then, never experiencing things like electricity cut or having to go hungry. I'm content with that, and I'd be satisfied if I could provide my kids with such a life in future.

But I digress. The thing is, I'm wanting these things way too soon, and because of them, I'm putting lots of pressure on myself and subsequently, on Dear as well. So now the bottomline is, I need to learn how to stop stressing myself over such stuff. I can't predict the future, nor go back to the past, and I'll be damned if I can't allow myself to enjoy the present. Other than the occasional bouts of nagging, that is.

My family will be going to Bangkok in 5 days' time and I'll be having an entire week of peace and quiet to myself. I'm giving myself this one week to try and learn to relax; to take my mind off my forever thinning bank account or the fact that I'll be taking my exams next month. Oh, and I promise I will call KK for an appointment just to shut my parents up, even though I seriously don't think there's any need to waste the money. xD

I'm rereading what I've typed and I don't know if people reading this post will make any sense out of it but that's really not what I want to be concerned about. Haha. Good for you if you understand, too bad if you don't.

Off to watch Easy Fortune Happy Life. Nowadays I'm damn slow at catching up with these dramas, considering how in love I used to be with them. I'm still stuck at episode 15 of Black and White and that was last month. Suddenly 24 hours a days feel so short. Sad that humans and science evolved so much but time did not. Bleahs.

loved

.Friday, November 06, 2009 ' 1:01 PM Y

How do you react to the revelation that your lady boss has actually been reading your blog? I'm so relieved that I don't have any major secrets posted. Haha~

Next week my parents and sister will be flying off to Thailand for a week. Initially thought of holding a mini-party just to have friends over to chill, to hang out for a day, but now I'm so pissed that I'm just gonna cancel that plan. I don't blame them, really. Its my fault for not thinking that people would have better things to do than that. I still can't believe that after so long, I'm still stupid enough to keep hoping for things that I shouldn't be hoping for. Wait, does that sound weird? Don't know, don't care.

Bottomline is... Everytime I try to put in the effort to plan something or organise some gathering, things just never go right. I think maybe my "eight-characters" are in such a way whereby I'm just jinxed whenever it comes to such things.

Right now I don't really care that I sound emo or whatever. I'm cancelling whatever plans there are for next Saturday and I'm just gonna spend the day with Dear. I'm just upset at myself for my own stupidity. Kids fall, learn that its painful, and are smart enough to be careful NOT to let themselves fall again. Apparently I'm dumber than a kid.

I'm gonna have to learn to STOP depending on or having expectations of the people around me. URGH. Bleah... I should probably stop ranting as well. Just damn bloody disappointed. So many times.

Its approaching the end of the year. Even Christmas decorations are already up in Orchard Road, reflecting the festive-kiasu spirit of Singaporeans. Robinsons is having its sales soon (I know 'cause I've seen their job ads looking for temporary staff again) and hopefully I get a bonus. =P

Damn the ACCA and its bloody lousy website for sucking away all my money. Was truly in shock when I went to check my bank account yesterday. DAMN THE WHOLE BLOODY WORLD!

Dear always chides me for taking things too seriously, but sometimes I really find it hard to find the silver lining in the oh-so-dark clouds. When sudden realisation hits and you can't fully grasp the WHY, it makes the entire mind feel so conflicted and confused.

I know this entry prolly makes me sound like some deranged teenager swinging from one extreme emotion to another, but heck lah. Not in the mood to care that much. Wish there could be such a thing as taking a break from life, but there's still no scientist or inventor in the world smart enough to come up with a way to pause time. SHINGZ.

And its back to work......

loved

.Sunday, November 01, 2009 ' 1:34 AM Y

I finally got my Netbook!!! Its okay, if you're willing to overlook the occasional instability. But I'm still thinking of whether or not to sell it. Can someone give me a second opinion?

Birthday coming up in 2 weeks. If birthday wishes were ever supposed to come true, I hope mine do. I'm wishing for book vouchers. Walked into Popular today and saw lots and lots of books that I wanna buy! And there's another new book by Allan & Barbara Pease. $35+! So OMG-expensive lah!!!

Just a short entry today. I'm gonna go FB a little more and then go sleep.

loved

.Tuesday, October 27, 2009 ' 3:00 PM Y

~*~ 27/10/2009 ~*~

Sentosa trip last Saturday was F-U-N! Just that my face got sunburned quite bad and everyone kept asking what happened. Lol~

Happy belated birthday to TKDJ!

~*~

Classes for P3 and P4 are almost ending, but I still haven't signed up for exams. Heck. I haven't even taken the exams for P1 and P2. I just can't find my motivation to study. I still love accounting, and I still know that its what I want to do as a career, but after working and coming in touch with what REAL accounting is like, I go to lessons and can't stand the crap that I'm studying. Its TOTALLY different.

Lots of people tell me that reality is just like this. Learn so much in school, but none of it applies when you really start working. But we still got to get that piece of paper. I understand, so I'm trying my hardest to psycho myself. But somehow, I'm not getting there.

And starting next paper, I'll be paying for the rest of my CAT and ACCA on my own. I can't even begin to imagine what it'll be like trying to finance my education on a $800 (after CPF) paycheck, but I'm too stubborn to ask my dad for money. Somehow or other, I will manage. And I MUST!

Don't ask me why I keep choosing to do things the hard way; I'm just used to depending on myself for everything. After so many years of not having to take money from my parents, every time I have to go up to my dad to ask for my school fees, I feel so damned awkward.

Of course, there are also other factors that are none of anyone else's business. xD

My family will be going to Chiangmai in November to attend some relative's wedding dinner and I'm not going. Mahjong party at my house!!! Hyuk hyuk! I know I'm so bad, but the thought of being able to spend one entire week on my own without anyone to keep nagging at me makes me feel unbelievably relaxed~

~*~ 28/10/2009 ~*~
I finally found out one of the reasons why I've been so stressed out recently. Sad to say, this factor is something I cannot run away from, no matter how much I want to. Unless I really harden my heart and turn my back. Which, sometimes, I'm really tempted to do.

Its incredible how I can still find it in me and smile and put on a happy face for the other people around me - my colleagues, my friends, and Dear, when deep down, I'm just feeling damn fucked up. People just can't understand that it takes 2 hands to clap- stop blaming me for every single piece of shit. Would all this stop if I just moved out?

Forget it... Don't wanna think about it anymore. Just makes me more stressed up. Maybe that explains why I'm still so tired even after 7 hours of sleep. FUCK LIFE.

loved

.Friday, October 23, 2009 ' 9:08 PM Y

Feeling really really SIANS right now. Just one simple TKDJ outing and people can't even bother. Even when it isn't going cost them a lot of money. Damn fucked up.

In a constant state of agitation these few days. Small, mundane things set me off easily and I keep feeling stressed out. I don't what's causing all this. I need to relax but I have no fucking idea how. Initially thought we could enjoy ourselves at Sentosa tomorrow but then all that shit had to happen. Someone up there really HATES me or something.

I really really have no idea WHY I'm constantly feeling so tensed and stressed. Maybe its because of my family, maybe its other factors. But I just cannot get myself to relax.

How come the human brain cannot operate like a computer? Just take out the hard disk and replace with new one.

Took leave next Saturday, but still have not decided where to go. Haha~ Maybe just chill at Dear's house. Life is really so sians... Everytime there's finally something to be happy about, something negative pops up again. FUCK YOU REALITY.

So sleepy right now... 2 hours more before Dear knocks off....

loved