.Thursday, February 23, 2006 ' 10:56 PM Y
*Sighs*... Today QR totally died. I really don't what to do or say. I know she won't turn to me. It just makes me feel so useless, so helpless. I really don't know what to do. I'm confused myself. I really... I'm not numb... But my heart is so heavy. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. No matter what, you'll always be the sister I hold dearest to my heart. I love you and I'll always be there for you. I don't know how to revive you but I'll try. I'll be waiting for the day you come back to me...
.Wednesday, February 22, 2006 ' 10:34 PM Y
I cried again today. I don't know for what. First was when they called to say that they had lost the concert ticket. Then they found it. But I was still upset. Then came the sms saying that QR had banged her head. I don't know why, but I suddenly felt this huge terrible sadness in my heart, as though she was feeling upset and keeping it inside her again. Maybe she was, but we'll never know. I was so overwhelmed by guilt. Perhaps it was my fault that she's unhappy? Should I even be out there having fun alone without them? Suddenly missed QR alot. I mean, I'm not a lesbian or anything, but... I don't know... I've been getting these really weird emotions lately. They make me seem so freaky. When we got back to Tampines we met QR and Van. I admit I was jealous when I saw the two of them so close. I suddenly got this feeling that I'd been replaced. Van accompanied QR home, and when I turned and got a backview of her, the tears simply came again. This time, it was the vision that QR was really leaving me. Goodness gracious... Now I really sound so lunatic. So corny, so mushy, so lesbie. I don't even know what's going on in my mind. I wrote QR a letter today. In it, I really tried to open as much of my heart as I could to her for the first time. Halfway through writing, I was already hesitating. I was scared. Afraid. That that one letter would mean the end of our friendship. That that one letter would make me lose her forever. But somehow I still managed to pass it to her. I know she has replied. But I have absolutely no idea about the content. And I'm still scared. Now my brain is messed up again. There's still so much that I want to say. To tell her. To let her know. I just really want to let her in to my world. Its the first time I've felt something this strong, and I'm even surprised myself. But I'm afraid. I'm being a scaredy-cat. I don't want to be even more alone than I already am.
.Wednesday, February 15, 2006 ' 11:23 PM Y
I'm so totally messed up. I don't even know where my line of thoughts are heading. No directions. So many close shaves. I almost let the adults in school into my dark world. Especially when they come up with silly essay and journal topics like "Describe a change you have gone through within the past year". I mean, there haven't been much changes in me... I still look that well, ugly, and I'm still fat and depressed. So ya, basically that's all. What's just changed is my mentality I guess. And I can't even spot any major changes. I mean, haven't I always been like that? Okay whatever. I've got night study this Friday and I'm definitely not looking forward to it. 3 whole hours of English. No would do pretty well for me. Surprise. Hallelujah. Hasn't it been a long time since I blogged about anything UNdepressing here? I don't know how I'm feeling now really. There's still a tiny spark of hope in my heart. But should I continue holding on to that spark? Or is it already time to truly let go and spare myself all that heartache? I really don't know whether I can walk away just like that. I don't know if I can move on. My mind's in a mess and I don't know what I want to express......Oh well... we'll just leave the unknown to their mysteries. While I'm still in a more positive frame of mind right now, I'd just like to tell everyone to stop worrying about me. I'm okay. I'm strong. I'll be fine. One day but not now. So just stop worrying and asking if I'm okay. Because I don't really know either. One moment I am, the next moment I'm not. So don't even ask. There're no fixed answers. Don't ask me to stop thinking too much, because my brain was born to be occupied by crazy thoughts. Its not something that I'm in control of. If I were, I wouldn't be as messed up as I am right now. Oh... And I remembered what I wanted to blog about. Its another depressing thing. But here it goes. Have anyone of you ever experienced a time when you were so happy and someone just crashed your happiness in a split second? I did. I'm not saying that it was caused by any specific someone, just that... I don't know... The lack of response perhaps. I mean... Imagine being on top of the world, just wanting everyone to share in your happiness but their reactions are like "Oh... okay... that's good..." It was like a total slash into my happiness meter, but I couldn't show it. I mean, I don't want to be some oversensitive bitch. Years of experience have trained me into something I'm not. I cannot allow myself to be weak. I know I have to be strong to prevent myself from collapse. I know I cannot be whiny about anything because that isn't supposed to be part of my nature. So I whine to myself. I complain to my pillows and lash out at my bolster. That's life as it is and I resign myself to it. The standards and expectations have been set. Both by myself, my family, and the people around me. And so I have to meet them. Failure to do so would only result in even more severe depression. Or perhaps worse. Can't allow that can we? But so anyways, I'm just going to sign off here because I can't think of anything else I want to blog about. And yea, I'm really feeling a little abnormal today. What? Another change of personality? Perhaps.
.Saturday, February 11, 2006 ' 9:32 PM Y
Ever heard of the saying "The eyes are the windows to one's soul"? Well, I have a question for the person who came up with this saying. What about those whose souls are already dead? What will you see when you look into their eyes? I don't really know why I'm talking about something like this suddenly. It just came to me. Because my soul has died. I don't really understand what has happened to me. I think I've really developed a split personality or something close to that. I can really feel the transformation; the difference in my moods and personality as the day darkens into the night. Its just feels as though my whole being is engulfed by the darkness. I can't seem to do anything. And what makes it worse is that I actually enjoy the darkness. Because at least I know that is when I'm "invincible". That's when the steel gates in my heart clamp down and block any emotions from reaching me. That's when I can protect myself. Stop myself from hurting. Although I don't know what I'm hurting about really. I felt that same numbing pain in me again today. As in everyone around me has been snatched away. As though nothing in the world belongs to me anymore. I know I shouldn't selfish. But is it just so wrong to want to have someone that's solely yours? As in, one who places you in first priority, someone whose heart and soul is focused on you, someone who truly loves and cares for you, someone who can fully understand you even whithout words? Just you alone. No one else. No third party involved. No having to stand aside while he/she rushes off to comfort another. Is it really impossible to find someone like that? Is it me whose habouring high hopes and expectations? Am I asking for the impossible? Is is really that difficult? So many questions. Yet not a single answer. But then again, how can I be asking for others to understand me when I can't even understand myself? My name is just a shield. My body is just an empty shell. My heart beats in monotone. Life's journey looks bleak. So what am I? Ya, I know. I'm not the only one with problems. I'm not blind or deaf or mute or handicapped. I haven't been through major emotional trauma, neither am I insane. I'm supposed to be optimistic. But I just can't find any reason to be happy. I smile because I don't want the people around me to be sad. I crack jokes because I want to see them laugh. I laugh because I don't want to be mistaken as a lunatic. I don't shed tears because I don't have any left. Everytime I see that sentence it just makes my world crash all over again. I really don't understand. Do you really hate me so much? Am I really that hateful? Have I really made such a huge mistake that you must hate me so? If yes then perhaps my disappearance from this world can dissolve your hate and your unhappiness? I just need one word from you. That's how important you are to me. That's how much you affect me. But why do I feel as though I'm being alienated. Is it just me being oversensitive or is it true that we've turned into strangers? Was all that closeness just on the surface? Was all the mutual understanding and caring just an illusion? Was everything that we had, everything that we shared all just a dream? If so, why did I have to wake up? I want to dream on. I want to sleep on. I don't want to wake up. Forever.
.Friday, February 10, 2006 ' 9:56 AM Y
Sad to say, I've utterly failed. I've tried. I've really tried my best and my hardest. But I got beaten. By one single comment. I can't believe that I'm so weak, but I guess that its just time for me to face up to facts. Yes I am weak. And my fighting spirit has died again. And I've lost myself again. And now I really understand the meaning of split personality. The dark can transform me into a totally different person. A bitch. Yet I enjoy being a bitch. But then again, I really hate myself. So what do I really want? I wished I knew. Could someone please kindly give me some answers? I don't even who I am anymore. No matter who I try to be, what I want to be, I always end up making people unhappy. I shed tears of pain, but if you ask why I'm crying, I honestly cannot come up with an answer. I'm seriously confused. The bump on my forehead doesn't really help. I mean like... if you really hate me then why are you still caring about me? So what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to react? I really don't know. I don't understand. I seriously don't know what I'm ranting about right now. And I apologise for making BC cry last night.
I can't remember what I wanted to blog about. I was supposed to have a lot of things to say. But I can't remember them. I can't believe how easily affected I've become. I can't understand why I've become so very weak. A mere 7 words can make my world crash. Totally shattered into minute pieces. Why? But then again, I can't exactly say that I'm hurting. Because I don't feel anything. Perhaps I've simply become numbed. Perhpas its just an illusion. Maybe I'm so crazy that I've started hallucinating.