<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://draft.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d19121411\x26blogName\x3dSweet+Sweet+Love\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dBLACK\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttp://rain-of-rubies.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://rain-of-rubies.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d4039630886989369132', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>
.Tuesday, April 23, 2013 ' 5:30 PM Y
I realise I really am going into full shutdown mode. All I want to do is lock myself in my room and gorge myself silly watching Running Man. Just not in the mood to move my ass much. 

I've still been in contact with him these past few weeks but its like, I don't know how to talk to him anymore? 

Its really hard to explain this but its like, you know there's this awareness that, hey this guy's not my boyfriend anymore, so I don't have the right to ask questions that are too personal anymore. And although I really miss the old buddy to whom I could just talk to about anything under the sun, it feels as that that friend died together with the fact that he's not my boyfriend anymore. 

One of the positives of my newfound singlehood is that now I really have the freedom to do all sorts of shit I'd never have been able to do before. Like summer school. I'm still being tentative about this freedom because I don't want to fly too high and lose myself. All of a sudden I feel as though I want to take on the whole world but I don't know if I'm trying to escape from reality or is it because I've been surpressing myself too long.

Sometimes I really feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Is this normal? Everything feels the same but so different at the same time. And I'm starting to get headaches more often. Is it from overthinking? There's this huge jumble of thoughts that I've been struggling to sort out and make sense of. And its really draining to think so much, so hard. 

I instinctively know that if he came back now I'd still take him back but at the same time, I feel as though I don't know this person anymore. Am I just being stubborn? What exactly is it that I am clinging on to? I have no idea! 

Running Man is the only thing that's keeping me sane nowadays and I am totally NOT exaggerating. Its the only time where I can take my mind off everything. I know I'm like a coward now. I just want to hide my head in a hole and not face the world but its really tiring to put on a smiley face day after day, although its getting slightly easier. 

Will not be updating for a while because I know it will just be a jumble of nonsense. I hope I can really sort out my mind soon. 

loved





.Monday, April 22, 2013 ' 11:57 AM Y
Sometimes I feel like I can hardly recognise myself. Who am I? What am I doing? Why am I what I've become? 

Sometimes I feel so confused. Life seems so much the same, but also so much different. The people around me are the still the same. The places I go to look the same. But the feeling isn't the same anymore. I can't accurately describe this feel, but its just off. 

I seldom cry anymore. Sometimes the tears threaten, but its getting easier to hold them back. 

I'm starting to feel really restless and irritated very easily. Fighting hard to keep myself from going into shutdown mode as per years before. That urge to just cut off from the world is getting stronger now that the numbness from the pain is wearing off. Its not that I hate the world. Its just that I can't find the energy or the mood to entertain more than 2 people at a time. And even then I sometimes don't even what the hell I'm doing. Weird shit. 

I wish I could have been smarter, saved more money, built up more resources. What I really want now is to leave this place and never come back. But I know I can't. I've decided to go for summer school (like, really decided. 100%) next year, probably in Tokyo. And so now I have like 1 year's time to stock up my bank account. 

I know this slump, this mood I'm in, is probably going to irritate a lot of people out there. Sooner or later. Hell. I feel irritated and pissed at myself more than anyone knows. Its also the reason why I wanna lock myself up. I feel like a possessed animal sometimes. Like as though I'm gonna go on a rampage. BITE! 

See? I'm seriously crazy. 


Right. Gonna go off now. Lets hope this crazy ass mood fades off real fast or the next thing you know, I just might be checking in to IMH.

loved





.Thursday, April 18, 2013 ' 6:40 PM Y
Day by day I'm learning to cope with the pain. 

I'm still screaming inside, but I'm slowly learning to function like normal again. Even if I have to act normal. 

I miss him like crazy. I wish so hard that he could come back to me. If I wish hard enough, will it come true? 

I really can't imagine what life is going to be like for me weeks, months, years down the road. I only know that right now, I am walking day by day, step by step. 

I still cannot understand how someone could just let go of a 6-year relationship like that. I don't think I ever will. But I will move on. 

I'm probably at my most vulnerable now. I'm in a state of denial where I don't want to face anything that might remotely link me back to those past memories. I want to pretend that it all hasn't happened. I want to forget. Maybe one day I can face these memories again with a smile and a light heart, but now, I just want to erase them all. 

I hope one day he can wake up and realise that he let go of something truly precious, that our paths can merge again. But for now, I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I just want to go to sleep for years. 

I'm still very much emotionally unstable. One moment all I really need someone to be with me, the next moment I just want to be alone and shut the world out. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy soon. Sometimes I feel at peace, sometimes I want to scream and tear my hair out. 

How could one person impact my life so much? I never could have imagined. But all I can say is that I will never allow another individual to hold such power over me anymore. 

6 years. I lived and breathed for him. I wish I could hate him, but I can't even do that. Every morning I wake up, the love for him hits so hard that I ache all over again. Every night I miss him so fucking much that I just want to end it all. 

Am I sinking into depression? I really don't know. One minute I am smiling and laughing, the next minute I'm leaking tears again. All I know is that I just want each day to pass as fast as possible. I dread the nights the most. I don't want to be alone because I know my thoughts will drift. I don't want to hang out because I just don't have the mood and I don't want to dampen anybody's mood. 

loved





.Wednesday, April 17, 2013 ' 5:26 PM Y
Today I officially start a new chapter of my life. 

I can't say I've moved on, because I really haven't, but I'm making my first baby step forward. I can't promise when I will finally be able to stand on my own but to everyone out there who has been here for me all this while, I really appreciate it a lot. Maybe I've irritated you with my tears and dramatics, maybe you're already tired and burdened by me. All I can offer is a sincere apology. 

I still hurt a lot. I'm still in so much pain. The tears still come, and the mind still cannot forget. But I know I will pull through this, and I know one day I will finally emerge from this cocoon that I've enveloped myself in. I can't tell you when, but I can tell you that it will happen. All I ask is a little more patience, no matter how much I've worn you down. 

I won't lie and say that I've let go of him. I still love him, and I think I always will. But deep down inside me, I know I've accepted the break-up. Because of this acceptance, I'm in even more pain. But I'm learning to walk through this pain, and long though this journey may be, I will drag myself forward. I still hope that one day we can be together again, but I will move forward. 

I know I've been circling around this for weeks, that many times I keep telling myself to wake up and move forward, but many times I continued to fall. I probably will continue to keep falling, but I will continue to pick myself up. 

I honestly don't think I can ever fall in love again. I can move on with my life, I can continue walking on this path, but I don't think I can handle another fall. The next time, I might really die. 

Please friends, I need you the most now more than I've ever needed anything. I know I've been a huge and heavy burden to you these past weeks, I know I've been dragging everyone down with me, but please, don't desert me now. I'm sorry I have to continue burdening you like this, but bear with me, I won't always be like this. 

I will rise from these ashes and become the most beautiful phoenix. I won't let you down. 

loved





.Tuesday, April 16, 2013 ' 1:14 PM Y
Its the 3rd week since the breakup, but yesterday night I truly died. 

All this while I kept hoping against hope that he would come to love me again. That he would realise that I'm truly the one for him. I put myself through a roller-coaster of emotions but I kept believing that we would be together. 

But yesterday night he told me that he really couldn't find back the love. 

I can't describe the amount of pain I felt. I only know that I cried and cried for many hours. I heard animal sounds coming from within me but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't breathe, but the tears still came. I have never felt this degree of pain, nor have I ever cried to this extent. 

And yet this morning when I woke up, I knew I still love him. 

What is wrong with me? 

I really have no idea how I am going to walk out of all this pain. I don't know how much time it will take to heal my heart. Heck, I can't even feel my heart anymore. All I can feel is this deep and hollow emptiness somewhere within me. Even now, the tears still threaten to fall whenever I think of him. 

Can anybody tell me what I have to do to stop the pain? Its really draining everything I have out of me and I don't have the strength to move. I know all the people who care are also tired of me and I'm really sorry, but I need a little more time to pull myself out. 

My world is really black now. I can't die, yet I can't live. Its a torture that I really don't know what I ever did to deserve. I'm nothing left but a walking zombie. Please just let me be taken away to a better place. 

loved





.Wednesday, April 10, 2013 ' 2:02 PM Y
小女何德何能可以擁有一群這麼好的姐妹朋友和同事。真的很感謝這一路陪著我熬,陪著我哭,不斷鼓勵和安慰我的人。為了你們,我決定更加努力地振作起來,因為我不想辜負你們的好。花了一個多星期在傷心,分心,痛苦,痛哭。不想再這樣了。這麼多人陪著我,我要更堅強! 

終於清醒了。雖然一步步地走過每一天還是很痛苦的,但我真的不想再流淚了。這些日子忽略了自己,忽略了家人朋友,忽略了工作,我真的很愧疚。一向負責帶給大家歡笑,負責做那個可以讓人家依靠的我,迷路了。

昨天是很糟糕的一天;一直不停地流下眼淚。但這一次,眼淚不僅僅是因為思念過去的我們,也是因為覺得好對不起身邊的人。為了我,他們那麼耐心的體諒與容忍我的嘮叨,我的喜怒無常。這份感激,這份愧疚。我真的不知道要怎樣去報答。就連什麼都不懂的同事也這麼義不容辭的幫著我,包容我。所以我決定,真的不可以再繼續這樣下去了!就算全世界不懂我,就算其他人取笑著我的失敗,我還是有身邊的這群天使陪著我走出這場噩夢。 

女生真的不好當。

為了他,我付出了一切,把他當成了我的所有。曾經我把他看得比自己還重要,可是在他決定不再要我的那一刻,我感覺他從來也沒有真正的體會或感覺到我為他的付出。沒錯,或許我不是世界上最完美的女朋友,但對於他,我是盡心盡力了。

在分手後的日子以來,我是多麼的痛,多麼的沮喪。好幾次我覺得自己真的快要瘋了。我自卑地哀求他回來過,也生氣地又對他發脾氣過,可是我想,沒感覺了真是沒感覺了。以前會安慰我的他,沒有了。以前那個會想著我,睡前醒後會發個簡訊給我的他,不存在了。當我在這裡為他痛的死去活來的時候,他應該非常逍遙快活把?那憑什麼我要去忍受這樣的痛呢?

要割捨一份這麼長久的感情真的不容易。要放下和忘掉一個愛了這麼多年的人真的好痛苦。差一步,我們就步入了禮堂。差一點,我們就可以像好多幸福的夫妻一樣,擁有自己舒適的窩。可是命運弄人,我們就是差了這一步,這一點。我不敢保證自己可以用多長的時間來走出這一次的傷害。憑良心,直到現在我還是會感覺這一切都很不真實。可是我在學者接受,學者從新振作,學者一步一步地從這谷底爬起來。

思緒還是混亂的,情緒還是悲傷的,可是那一股力量漸漸回來了。我要重新找回我的快樂笑容,重新回到那個開心的我。當初拿起了,現在學著放下。希望陽光燦爛的一天很快會再降臨,雨中璇轉一定要跳出最美麗的舞姿。加油!!

loved





.Friday, April 05, 2013 ' 12:54 AM Y
第十天:

這是我們在台北的第二天。 很普通的一天,就好像一般情侶一樣,可是心中那股悲傷的感覺越來越強。

一早去看了哆啦A夢展覽和袖珍博物館,然後到了西門町。

真的非常珍惜剩下的時間,因為很快的,這個男人就不再屬於我了。 

第十一天: 

早上在美麗華看了《咕嚕家族》,之後又回到了西門町看《僵屍哪有這麼帥》。

看完了電影,吃完了晚餐,我們到了前一天去的那一間按摩院做了90分鐘的按摩。

不知為什麼我特別的感傷,可能因為是最後一晚了吧?在搭計程車到士林夜市的那段時間,我緊緊的抱住了他,很懦弱的哀求他不要丟下我。那一刻我感覺他有點心軟了。可是到了最後他還是堅持分手了。

第十二天:

吃了早飯就差不多該坐車到機場了。這十二天怎麼會過得如此的快呢?真的沒有挽回的餘地了嗎?

從台北飛回新加坡的那四個多小時了,我們沒有多說什麼,只是很多次緊緊的握住了彼此的手,默默的看著對方。下了飛機他給了我兩個很緊的擁抱。

這一刻我已經開始想念他了。 

2013年3月31日。愛情長跑了6年6個月又26天,我們再次分手了。我不敢奢望他會像上一次那樣再回到我的身邊,但我真的不敢相信這就是結局。短短的兩個月,我們的關係從恩愛的變成了什麼都不存在了。

分手後的第一天是愚人節。多麼渴望這一切都是一場噩夢。多麼希望他能說聲 “愚人節快樂!”,然後緊緊抱著我再也不放開。

可是現實真的很殘忍。

一切真的煙消雲散了。 

要勇敢的面對往後的人生真的很痛苦。每天晚上都會不由自主的痛哭一番。我已經很久沒有真心的開懷大笑了。從來也不知道原來我是這麼愛哭的。度日如年,我已經熬過了四天。雖然昨天還是控制不了找他吵架了。 

不過,相信我。我已經決定向前看了。少了一個人愛我,我必須更愛自己。不能在懶散,不能再為自己找藉口了。也不想讓朋友姐妹們擔心我了。我會儘量把悲傷和痛苦埋藏起來,希望時間能夠好好讓傷口癒合。 

晚安了,殘酷的世界。我不放棄相信這世界還是有真愛的。希望這生中能讓我遇到。下一次我不會再這麼任性,這麼不懂珍惜了。

loved






































THE LOVED ONE;

*MaKiNo AyAnO TsUkUsHi -
*born 10th November -
*PrOud LittLe ScOrpioN -
*StuBBorN & quIcK-teMpeRed -
*FoRgivEs bUt NeVeR foRgEts -
*cOntAct hEr at tough_jennifer@hotmail.com -


SHE WANTS

*a New laPpY
*tRaveLs aRouNd tHe wOrLd
*vOcaL lEssOnS
*a KeYbOarD
*to LivE in RiChmOnd,B.C

HauNts

-=*HeR*=-

-=*SiS*=-
-=*KaThLeEn*=-
-=*SiMiN*=-
-=*JiNwEn*=-
-=*JaNe*=-
-=*ReLz*=-
-=*QiU rUi*=-
-=*BeNjAmIn*=-
-=*ShAo QiU*=-
-=*LaY fEnG*=-
-=*JeSsIe*=-

> -=*Gabrylo*=-

-=*ShAhRuL*=-
-=*StIcKgIrL*=-

CeLebS

-=*AlEc Su*=-
-=*JiMMy LiN*=-
-=*LeO kU*=-
-=*ShOw LuO*=-
-=*KiNgOnE wAnG*=-
-=*KeLlY pOoN*=-
-=*RaInIe YaNg*=-
-=*RuBy LiN*=-

-=*JaCk NeO*=-
-=*LaO zHa BoR*=-
-=*Mc KiNg*=-
-=*XiaXue*=-
-=*KeNnY sIa*=-

Past AcQuainTanCes

Past Acquaintances

-=*ShYaNg LoNg*=-
-=*JaSmInE tAn*=-
-=*AmY*=-
-=*MeLvIn*=-
-=*RuI cHeNg*=-
-=*JeReMy*=-
-=*SaMuEl*=-
-=*JeNnIfEr*=-
-=*JiAn WeI*=-
-=*JuN mInG*=-
-=*LiAnG hAo*=-
-=*JiAn XiOnG*=-
-=*XuE yInG*=-
-=*RaChEl*=-
-=*MaIsIe*=-

MeMoRiEs

November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
November 2010
December 2010
March 2011
May 2011
June 2012
August 2012
February 2013
March 2013
April 2013
May 2013
July 2013

CrEdiTs

designer & editer of codes; x
base codes; x
image hosting; x
fonts; x
images; x
edited with photoshop CS2


MuSiC