.Monday, May 24, 2010 ' 12:18 AM Y
Exams are coming in 3 weeks' time and I am so NOT prepared. Its like a repeat of my O level maths, just that instead of one subject to mug for, I've got 3 frigging papers to study this time round. The last time I sat for an exam was nearly 3 years ago during my poly days. I can't believe I'll be going through the same old nerve-wrecking routine all over again!!!
Remember a few entries back when I said I've been in a reading frenzy? Well, I still am. And I must say I'm pretty surprised myself too. This is probably the 1st time ever that I've had such a long bout of R.F and over time, instead of waning, its becoming stronger and stronger to the point whereby if I don't have anything to read for even a day, I feel uneasy. Weird or what? Well anyway, if you've got books that you think are interesting, please recommend, because I'm running out of titles from my favourite authors. I'm not choosy about the genre, just as long as the plot is catching, I'm fine with it.
Also, lately, I've been taking the time and effort to pay special attention to the kind of descriptions and words these authors use, even to the point of jotting them down, and in some cases, checking out the meanings. Its always been a dream to do a bit of writing on my own and I'd like to give it a try some time soon. Perhaps when I have more time after my exams. In the meantime, I'm still trying my best to pick up tips by reading books from my favourite authors, who in my opinion, write beautifully. Especially Jodi Picoult. I can never get enough of her books.
Can someone please teach me how to enforce self-discipline? Somehow, no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep myself in check. I swear, procrastination has got to be my middle name or something. For some unexplainable reason, the goals I set are seldom or never met, be it for my studies, for my finances, for my own personal ideas, for my LIFE. Either they get postponed or it all just never amounts to anything. And when it happens, I just get more stressed up and pissed at myself. Even if really, sometimes, certain factors are out of my control, I still can't help feeling frustrated. And the thing with me is, I'm in love with self-blame or something. I don't think I've even been truly angry or pissed at anyone else other than Dear. And he's a different entity altogether. xD
The thing is, when things go wrong or don't go according to the way I planned/envisioned them to be, I start blaming myself. Its all my fault, for being stupid, for not being good enough. When I quarrel with my parents, a while later I start feeling sorry for them and its my fault I'm not independent enough. When people step all over me, its my fault that I let it happen. Yes, I know this is probably unhealthy but somehow I just can't seem to stop.
Sometimes I'm so frustrated with myself I just wanna give up and let go of everything. No more goal-setting-what for? when almost none of them ever bear fruit? Don't bother continuing to study-really, can you imagine me being some sort of Finance Director shit? Its probably wrong and bad for me to think that way, but I somehow I can't help but envy those people who have their lives so easy. Want language lessons? Papa's here. Want branded clothes? Here, use Mama's credit card.
I know I know I SO know the entire concept of bitter before sweet, but that's a mantra that gets harder and harder to keep up with as the days go by. People say life is a road full of bumps. Wherever there is down, there will also be an up. Yet why do I feel like I'm constantly stuck in the down side? Can someone please knock me out cold or just do something to help me stem this barrage of negativity????
Oh and, the last thing I really need to address before I hightail it to Slumberland: I don't understand people who make such a huge case against me, or any other female for that matter, for being rough or uncouth. I'm not, never have been and never have said that I'm missish, or even tried to act thus. In fact, I unabashedly admit that I am clumsy, loudmouthed, and have quite a penchant for swearing. I do try to restrain myself during work or when I'm with people I don't know very well, but sometimes, the occasional slipups do happen. I'm actually trying to curb this habit, but I don't think I'll ever be able to truly get rid of it. And I honestly DO NOT THINK that just because I'm a girl, I should be prohibited from swearing, or that I should be all demure and gentle shit. I could never ever be that, even minus the shit part. =P