.Friday, June 30, 2006 ' 4:09 PM Y
It really is fast. One whole week's almost over just like that. Next Monday's going to be a public holiday for all students because of Youth Day, but I may still be going back for DNT. Just to update my folio. That is, if the school's going to be open. I'm actually feeling very sleepy now; I've only been sleeping for like 3 hours for the past two nights trying to finish up my folio. I'm not complaining. After all, it IS my fault that I didn't do it beforehand. But the stupid thing is, Mr Lee didn't even check! Instead, I was the one who asked him to check my folio. Haha. I guess I should be thankful to Mrs Vijay for changing the sitting arangement, so that I'm no longer wedged in between Jeremy, Wen Jie and Jun Jie. Although I'm abit more talkative now, I feel its better than not talking in class at all. And I don't always feel that sleepy during boring lessons anymore. Big change. The E.Maths class has been split into two. Some of the us now fall under Mrs Lim (with 4F) while the rest are still under Mrs Koh. The first lesson was a nightmare. To me, that is. Can you imagine yourself literally hiding away at the corner while everyone else were pulling their tables together to sit with their friends? I thought I was immune to all that already. Boy, was I wrong. It simply sucked to be sitting there. Hey. Don't blame me for being anti-social okay... I saw the looks they threw. It was just so obvious that I was unwelcome. So FINE. I let the garden outside the window keep me accompany for the whole hour. Luckily the other lessons so far were better. Because the teacher divided us into groups. All the teachers are really panicking now. Especially Mr Lee. Even though he smiles and jokes and laughs, I can sense it. His worries and anxiety for us. Especially since he'll be going for a course from next week until around November. So we're left with Mr Tan. I'm being plagued by problems again. My oversensitivity disease has arisen again. I don't think I want to elaborate yet since its just something minor. For now. Lets just hope that it doesn't develop into anything major. And I really can't go on typing anymore. The words are starting to swim in front my eyes... I think I'll probably update again either later at night or tomorrow.
.Tuesday, June 20, 2006 ' 9:53 PM Y
Yup! I changed my blog's template. Finally. Hope you guys can finally see my tagboard now. I don't know whether anyone will notice... But I didn't change much of the original template... Just added in the things in my profile and all that... and even those were directly copied over from my previous blog template... I guess that because I don't really see the need to make any changes. After all, I haven't changed much. My life hasn't changed much. So my blog will remain almost unchanged too. Haha. And the good thing about not making huge changes is that I don't have to spend so much time on the editing... It was almost like a "one-shot okay" kinda thing. And I'm satisfied so far. I'll only change when I see the need to. Okay I'm finally deciding to continue with the story I was writing... Haha... I know I simply stopped updating for a long time and I'm really sorry about that... But I don't think it was anything significant... right? I mean like... who actually reads? But alright... I'll update just to make myself happy. And prove myself wrong that I never get anything done completely. Haha. I'll get right down to updating it after I finish blogging here. I wonder how's SQ. Haha. Nope I haven't forgotten you, gor... And I seriously suspect that you've blocked me on MSN. *Sighs* There's nothing I can do about that... But I'll get my message across from here. I'm sorry I blew you off Saturday. But I promise I'll try to make it up to you as best as I can. And stop saying things like you're used to it and all that stuff. Its tiring to hear all that. I know you're feeling hurt, upset and angry right now. But I don't think that's reason enough to be blowing up at everyone. Excuse me if I sound selfish or anything. But we spent a long time building up our bond. I don't think its fair for you to throw everything aside with just one decision to detach yourself from everyone. I seriously don't think I did anything to deserve that. And more importantly, I don't think its worth it to lose you just like that. I'm trying to make things between us okay. But you're making it a tedious job. Maybe while you're thinking that we should understand you more, you could also sit back and think about how we need you to understand us. I guess you're probably going to get angry at me for saying this but seriously, its just something I have to say. I mean... if you can say whatever you like on your blog and not spare anyone's feelings then I guess I have the right to do the same. Sorry for any offense. Its just purely how I feel. Urgh... Now I'm starting to feel tired again... But okay... I promised to update my story so I'll go and do just that before I go to bed. Here's an early goodnight!
.Monday, June 05, 2006 ' 12:30 AM Y
Hurray! I got a new phone yesterday! Okay. Most of you probably know about it already, but well... I want to announce it to the whole world! Haha... Well anyways... heard QR updated her blog a few times today so I went to check it out. Okay... Some really crappy entries... No kidding. You'll be wondering why she's even wasting time and electricity blogging about such stuff. Haha. No offense. Well anyways... that comment about friendship being fragile... Okay I can take a hint... But hey... Some self-defense here... You're attached! I know when I'm supposed to butt off okays... I don't mean to totally disappear or anything. Its just that well... If you need me I'll still be here, but when you don't need me... You seriously don't expect me to hang around... I just feel like an odd angle sticking out... Sorry but its just me. So don't worry too much about that. Okay I'm bullshitting here. Whatever. Haha. I just went to Bugis with my sister and my parents after dinner just now. My sister went there to change her contact lenses because they were giving her problems... The shop has these really nice spectacles... But I couldn't find a single pair that suited me... Contact lenses don't suit me either... Because I don't know how to put them in. Hyuk hyuk... Maybe I'm just destined to let my eyes rot... Ewww.... Anyways... SK FINALLY updated his blog... After so very very very long a time... Well... thanks for your not-so-short "note" to me... Okay I'm guilty of that part about not having enough confidence in myself... But that "recent incident" you mentioned? Erms... I think I need your help in refreshing my memory. Because I really can't remember!!! What boiling up??? Haha... And sorry... I've really been a lousy mei... That I didn't even notice that you were having problems... Well... Guess I can't do anything about them anyways... So... Nevermind... Its really funny how I only seem to have things to blog about after reading other people's blog... And even then I have to spend at least half an hour organising all the "data" and figuring how to put them into appropriate words. Well I have to go now... I still have some schoolwork to finish up for tomorrow's lesson...Okay whatever I'm going to say here will sound immature that's why I'm going to make it "invisible"... Well remember my past entry about finding myself? I mentioned that I feel like I'm drifting in space... That I don't seem to belong anywhere... Well... I think its time to elaborate... Just to "pen" it all down instead of keeping it inside me... Well you see... This problem of not belonging anywhere... Well... QR's got SY and Van's got Gray... I don't know why but somehow I just developed this idea that its time for me to butt off... I simply reject the idea of hanging out in groups of three... As you all know... Three's a crowd. Okay nevermind about that. I'm not jealous or anything... I'm seriously happy for them that they've found their "dream guys". That's why I feel that its time for me to stand aside and be the "camera woman" instead of the one being in the picture. Get what I mean? Maybe its a case of insecurities... I just feel very "extra". Like I said... An odd angle sticking out where I'm not wanted... Seriously... I just feel that I just don't fit in anywhere anymore... Even SQ... who used to be my dearest gor... He makes me feel like he doesn't want me to stick around anymore... The rest... ZH, SK and BC have to study... I can't possibly turn to them for every single tiny thing right? I really want to believe that I can handle my emotions well enough for me to survive. Even to the point of deceiving myself... I mean... just last Saturday I was entertaining suicidal thoughts again. Just because of one stupid quarrel with my parents. Yes. Again. Its like what? Once per month. I don't want to either okay... But somehow I never manage to restrain myself. What the hell... The only comfort is that this time the quarrel wasn't that serious... At least I didn't ask them to just kill me there and then... But it didn't stop me from thinking about jumping off the building. Crap right? But yea, its just so crazy of me. Self-control? Please... I wish I had some too... I mean... what's wrong with me? I used to be able to at least keep myself from blowing up, from showing everyone how weak I really am... especially towards my parents... But now its like I can't even stop myself anymore. It sounds really crazy I know... Truly... when I talked about finding myself, I didn't have a single idea where to start. And I still don't have any idea now... Its like I've totally lost myself or something... I completely have no idea of what the real me is like. And SK was right in saying that there isn't anyone who understands me fully, completely, hundred percent. I know that. That's the problem. You guys don't understand me, I don't understand myself... So how am I ever going to find the real me? And that thing about having no self-confidence? Yea its true. Totally and completely true. I just don't dare to have self-confidence. I make blunders out of everything I do. And I'm like some bird-brained girl who doesn't know what she wants. Okay... there I go... putting myself down again... Sorry... Well you know those few times when I'm being what you call, thick-skinned? Well... its just my way of trying to tell myself that I'm not really as lousy as I think I am... Self-delusion I know... But it works for me... Even though its for just a few minutes... I'm content enough... Okay I don't want to keep harping on that. I'll just stop here before I make my brain even more jumbled up.
.Thursday, June 01, 2006 ' 9:53 PM Y
Today's post just a boring little update. 'Cause I've got nothing better to do at the moment. Well anyways... I got my report book back today, with some nice comments from my teacher. I'm not satisfied with my results though. For my own privacy I won't disclose how bad they are, but just a hint. That kind of results are not going to get me anywhere I want to go. Holiday lessons officially started today. I was late for the first class. So not a good start. I overslept and had to get a cab to school. What a waste of money. Oh did I mention that the first lesson was Social Studies? B-O-R-I-N-G... But at least I did pay attention. No, don't laugh. I really did pay attention. Mainly because there wasn't anyone to talk to anyways. Next up was Accounts. New chapter. Well umm... I think I understand most of the lesson. But towards the end I was so tired I simply fell asleep. Sheesh... I couldn't help it... On top of my tiredness there was this really comfortable air-conditioned room... Who could resist? Then I had oral practise for Chinese. Went pretty well. The teacher said I could read fluently, just that my speed of reading was too fast. Keke. And my oral conversation was much better than the last time. But I still felt nervous. Even though it was just a practice. I had a hard time forcing myself to look at the teacher instead of staring out the window. Just hope that I'll be able to do as well for my O Levels' oral exam. Its in about... three weeks' time I think. Scary... Well then. As usual I went blog hopping. Who else's but QR and SQ? Nothing much to say to them both, except that as long as they think what they're doing right now will truly make them happy then go ahead. But if whatever you're doing only causes you more pain, then maybe its time to start reconsidering your decisions, and to think to other ways to accept things that you don't want to face. That's called reality, although it can be cruel... Oh and... To SQ... I really don't want to argue. No offense. But I don't see the point. You're stubborn. I am too. We've both got our temper and our beliefs that we are not wrong. If you really think that I've been neglecting you, then maybe I really have. After all if I haven't, you wouldn't have developed this sort of thinking, right? But I'm just hoping that you'll give me another chance to make amends. Please stop rejecting every single person from this "group". Not everyone is as cold as you think. And don't argue that you'll still be contacting ZX. Come on. How often do you guys really talk? Oh nevermind. I guess I don't really have the right to say this. Sometimes I really wonder at how easy it is for some people to want to estrange themselves from a group of people so easily. I'm not specifically referring to anyone here, just being general. I mean... after so many years of friendship, can one really give it all up just like that? I know I'll never be able to do that. But I do agree that it would be great to be able to "start living" all over again. It basically means that you're walking on a whole new path towards a future totally different from the one you used to envision. I've been wondering for a very long time. Wondering how it would be like to be able to lose my memory. Its almost like rebirth. You start finding yourself again, start learning things. Although there'll be a little bit of helplessness but it also means that you get to start your life all over again. I think I would really like that alot. Maybe some of you would argue that, hey, wouldn't you be curious and want to start finding your memory again? Well I guess so... But then that process takes time, and by the time you've found all your past memories, you probably won't get affected much. Yea true. As you lose the sadder memories, you lose the happier ones as well. But then it'll be up to you to create more happier memories, right? Okay whatever. I'm just spewing crap. All this nonsense about memories. I'm seriously getting demented. And oh don't I love my title for today's blog. Hahas. Its just as crappy as the content. Well-matched!