All these while, I thought it would be him that wouldn't be able to live without him, but now I finally realise that no, I am the one who would be totally broken. So much regret, so many apologies. Why did I let it come to this? Will I ever be able to walk out of all this unhappiness? Right now I just wanna curl up in a hole until someone can tell me that its safe to crawl out. That there will be no more pain, no more sadness, no more loss. I don't know if I can ever love again.
.Sunday, March 17, 2013 ' 8:25 PM Y
2 more days to the trip. Things are still at a standstill, and we're still quarreling everyday. I know its mostly my fault; I just can't seem to control myself. I think we are considered to be split for now. My heart refuses to believe that my future could be without him, but my mind tells me to be rational and stop clinging onto false hope. I'm so confused that I really don't know what to do. We have so many things linked together; how are we going to separate all of it just like that? Its going to be tough telling the whole world that we're no longer together. I feel like a goddamn failure; I won't know how to face the world. And the flat. The dream home I always thought would be ours someday. Do I really have to give it up? How I wish I could have a whole span of time away from this world. Maybe travel around on my own so that I don't have to face all these nasty things. I hope my parents can love and understand me enough to accept the bad news. I hope my relatives can be kind and understanding enough to not laugh and point fingers. I hope the world in general can be understanding enough to not judge and make it harder for me to face them. I hope one day my heart can be warm again, and that I can still find my Mr. Right, that love will find me again and I can find happiness again. And the vehement side of me hopes that one day he will utterly regret losing me. I may not be the best girl in the world, but I dare say I have been more than a fantastic girlfriend to him. I hope one day he wakes up and realises what a dickhead he was to treat me like he did. I'm going to need a ton of time to move on. I don't know how long I'll need to pull myself out of this, and its drains all my strength every single to just keep going, to bring myself out as per normal to face the world. I really hope that one day I will fully recover from this, enough to seek love again. In the meantime, I shall set myself to the task of improving myself. I'll take this period to be the caterpillar in its cocoon and hope that in time, I will emerge as a butterfly. Top things on my list: - Slim down - Take up Japanese language classes again - Return Dad's money asap - NO more being lazy. Push myself to actively find and do my freelance accounting. I need money!!!' - Take up vocal classes in the near future - Continue exploring the world! Throughout all these, I've realised that I really have very bad split personalities. One very extremely negative, and one slightly more positive and rational. The latter keeps me going strong, and I hope one day my dominant personality can be the latter one. I will try my very best to walk the straight path, although the devil's been whispering in my ear for weeks now to let myself go and stray into the dark. Its been really tempting to just give up on myself but I suppose life is just like that. How many of us can just do what we want and ignore the repercussions? I know I definitely can't. I don't want to wake up one day hating myself even more than I already do now. I sometimes still wonder what sin I committed to deserve all this shit, but I don't wanna dwell too long on that anymore. I can't possibly spend the rest of my life in this cloud while he moves on happily, can I? I still have to pursue my own dreams and live my own life. Everything still feels so unreal, even though its not the first time this has happened. I've forgotten the pain from the past, and how I overcame it, but I shall have to pull myself through once more.
.Thursday, March 14, 2013 ' 2:48 AM Y
I realised that, completely opposite to a lot of other people, my period comes when I am particularly stressed or upset about a certain issue. When I'm relaxed and life is normal, it doesn't come. After going for so long with having regular periods, its become a bother to have to deal with them instead of routine. I've been a huge bundle of contradictions the past few weeks. One moment I'm the "small woman" who is content to wait quietly for him to sort his thoughts out, the next moment I'm the independent girl who doesn't need to take selfish shit from a guy. And yes, I think he's just being selfish and indecisive. I honestly don't know what they've been feeding into his system over at his company but I think he's sunk in so deep that he's being blinded to a lot of things. I don't know how to get through to him anymore. At the end of the day, he is still naught but a man. Smart brain on top, stupid brain below. I can't stand him spending any single minute of his time with her. Call me crazy, call me jealous, call me a control freak. Whatever. I don't care whether she is plain dumb or if she's smart and has ulterior motives. All I know is that I fucking cannot stand her presence near him. If you fucking know that someone is attached and near the point of marriage, don't be a bitch and step your leg in, intentionally or not. Its getting really tiring; all this dragging, all this time spent in uncertainty. I just want to know whether he still loves me. I know I'm being uber impatient but hello? Does one really need such a long time to wrestle with that question? I know for sure that if we decide to go our separate ways, I'd never be able to do what he expects: Pretend nothing went wrong and remain good friends. Sorry but I will definitely need to retreat somewhere to lick my wounds and I don't know when I can finally emerge from that cocoon. Whenever he brings up anything relating to the future that includes both of us in it, I hesitate because I truly don't dare to hope. And it does shit to me, because when I hesitate it hurts. When I don't hesitate, I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt worse. So what do I do?!! To be brutally honest, I'm not even looking forward to the trip much anymore. But I'm still going ahead because I've talked about the trip for so long. We've invested so much money, I've spent so much effort on the itinerary. It'd be stupid to let all that go to waste just for one undeserving guy. I don't know how to get my mind out of this whirling pool of confusing thoughts. On one hand I don't want him to give up this opportunity to switch over to the marketing department because I know he really wants it. I don't want to be the one to force him to give up the opportunity and years down the road blame me for it. But for selfish reasons, I want him out of that company. I want him far away from her, from all those distractions. I know full well that if he stays on, our relationship will just be full of quarrels. Even if we manage to stay together now, we'd still end up apart. Given a choice, who wouldn't want to be rich? But if this is what it takes to reach that peak, if we have to go through even greater suffering and pass through more obstacles then no thanks I'd much rather be contented with what we have. I think I finally understand why rich people will always tell you that no matter how much money you have, happiness can't be bought. Along that climb to the top, you've probably sacrificed a lot of time and people, and when you reach the top and look back, there are probably so many regrets that you can't help but ask yourself, what was the purpose of the climb? I know he's too stubborn to listen to all this now. Like I said, I honestly don't know how to get through to him anymore. Whenever we talk, I can't help but bristle like a hedgehog and keep making barbed comments. I know its an irritating trait of mine, but its also my way of protecting myself. Even if I'm weak and all mush inside, I've still got to present a tough facade. This is the most basic layer of self-defense. The only thing I have left to bank on and put my hopes upon is that 6 and a half years of going through thick and thin will prove to be strong and solid enough to break through that fog in his brain and heart. If not... I want to find a faraway place to go and be alone and not face the world for a little while. I can say with a clear conscience that over this past 6 years, no matter how bad my temper has been, no matter how unreasonable or how "princessy" I've been, I have given him and our relationship a fully whole and complete me. My entire heart, my entire soul. Maybe its too much to expect the same from him? Maybe all this is just retribution. 6 years ago I was the 3rd party between him and Van. I can make all sorts of excuses to comfort myself, that they weren't really in love; that he was already planning to call it quits with her. But nothing can deny the fact that he was still with her. So maybe this is my punishment. Maybe this is retribution. That I am fated to have a 3rd party destroy my relationship too. I can still recall many things. Like how he dragged his feet opening his mouth to initiate the break up with her, like how he once promised me long ago that he'd never make me cry every again. Empty words, childish promises that probably never meant anything to him. God knows I've cried my fair share of tears over the past years for him. No matter how strong and independent I put myself out to be, at the end of the day I am just a very normal girl. A hopeless romantic wanting to love and to be loved. Who do I have to pray to to obtain my answers? Please, whoever or whatever, if he is not the one for me, give me a sign so that I don't foolishly hang on. When I look up I cannot see what exactly is it that I'm hanging on to anymore.
.Tuesday, March 12, 2013 ' 11:00 AM Y
Nothing describes how I feel right now more aptly than this song: I really hope we can have a future together.
. ' 2:33 AM Y
Had quite a long chat with Issey today, and she really helped to sort out a lot of my thoughts. Basically, she delivered that long overdue slap that I've been needing to wake me up. I admit that I'm still that lost little girl waiting for his heart to open up to me once more, but I've also finally opened my eyes to the fact that I probably need to make a lot of changes to myself, both on the inside and the outside at the same time. All these years, because of him, I've been letting myself slowly slide into a slump. I lived my entire life for him and forgot that I'm also a living, breathing human who needs love and care to shine. I showered all these on him but left nothing for myself. I've been so busy wanting to take care of him that I didn't even realise that I've neglected myself. And perhaps because he has been so safe and secure in the knowledge that I'd be there for him no matter what, he started taking me for granted, whether consciously or not. I truly don't believe that there is no love left, just that the spark is fizzling out because things were getting too routine. It was a comfortable routine, but then distractions came onto his path and roused his interest. I can't continue slumping in my corner waiting for him to come back to me. I still want him back of course. I still hope that he can tell me that he loves me with all his heart, that if we ever do marry, it will be based on our love for each other, and not out of a sense of habit or obligation to each other. I still hope that we can be the world for each other, just as we used to be. But this time I won't allow myself to neglect myself anymore. I can't let myself go to waste. I really have to pick myself up, stop being that lazy bum and really set about effecting the change that I keep daydreaming about. Things like my appearance, my lifestyle, my social circle and broadening my own horizons. I know its impossible to do a 180 degree change overnight but step by step, I have to start improving myself for myself and not for anyone else. I know it sounds way easier than it seems but I've got start somewhere don't I? And if the worst case scenario really happens (please, if there is justice in this world, don't let it happen), I've got to distract myself as much as possible because I know I will simply fall apart if I don't. I really don't want to imagine that but I'm really so afraid. I don't really know how I'm going to truly enjoy the trip when the only thing that keeps weighing on my mind is whether he will be able to give me the answer I want to hear. Off to bed now. No tears tonight I hope. So far nothing to trigger them, but my emotions have been an unstable roller-coaster for the past few weeks. Please let me get through this ride unscathed.
.Monday, March 11, 2013 ' 2:06 AM Y
Blogging on a new laptop after my old VAIO died. This new one takes a little getting used to, but 2 hours into it, I hate Windows 8 already. I'm not the kind who likes so much detailed customisation. I don't fiddle in-depth with IT products. I want it easy and straightforward and figuring out Win8 kills too many of my brain cells.
People say that if you cry too much, your eyes might go blind. I hope mine aren't taking too much damage.
How did we come to such a pass? I really don't know. Its really pointless to try and blame anyone or anything now; I just hope that at the end of the day things can really work out. Please, if there's really a God out there. I may not be an angel, but I don't believe that I'm really so sinful that I don't deserve to have a happy ending.
Nowadays I can hardly do much without thinking and thinking about our relationship. Obsessing about how we can move forward and truly find happiness. I cry more easily than a pregnant woman. During the day, I have to be strong. I have to hide the tears and put on my smiles. But at night, the tears flow and I find myself crying for hours on end. What will remain of me if he decides to let me go? I really can't imagine.
.Friday, March 08, 2013 ' 4:58 PM Y
I feel like I opened a can of worms by telling him the truth, that I cannot feel the love in my heart anymore. I got a huge shock when he told me that he had similar thoughts too. Never in my wildest imagination would I envision such a scenario. Have I been too confident in his love for me? Its going to be a very trying period of us now, and this upcoming trip to Japan is going to hold so much more than just a simple holiday. It will be the time for us to try and salvage this relationship, and if we are unable to do that, to sit down and truly decide how to move on from here. I really hope with all that's left of me that it won't come to this, that we can still find back that love. And this time I really have to put down my pride and try to make it work. I am just afraid that at the end of the day I will end up being the one left heart-broken. Really afraid. The only positive thing about all this is probably that we had the most honest and heart-to-heart conversation in a long time. No holds barred. Its true, that the truth really hurts. I know I hurt like hell. The tears that had dried up over the past few days came back again. But I can imagine it isn't any easier for him either. I really hope that we can get through this hurdle and that if we do, it will strengthen our relationship. I honestly never want to go through such an obstacle again for the rest of my life. I truly cannot imagine my life without him in it, no matter what I said or thought when we were at loggerheads. Should I try to help him along during this period or just leave him to it? Maybe I'm fickle, or just screwed up. But I know that as of right this moment, I still want this guy. I'm not ready to give up so many years of love, of shared memories and shared dreams. I will do my very best to give this relationship another shot. I can only hope he can give me the answer I want to hear.
.Wednesday, March 06, 2013 ' 1:28 AM Y
For so long I've felt like the 3rd party instead of her. For so long I've been struggling and debating over whether to reassert myself as the real GF or to just hide quietly in my corner and leave them alone. I said as much to him, but as usual, I don't think he could grasp how I felt. We quarreled again in the morning. I felt bad about it because I knew he was really sick and unwell, but I just couldn't control myself. But then I think I finally sorted out my thoughts. Somewhere, somehow, between the journey out to lunch and back, the pieces of the puzzle clicked into place.
I now realise that my jealousy and insecurity over her, and the fact that he is so unwilling to allow me into that part of his world is actually interlinked. For many days I've been thinking and wondering whether it really was my fault. Am I too insecure? Am I too jealous? If so why? I compared myself to a lot of other attached people I know whom are also close to friends with the opposite gender. And then I realised. That it is because that he tries so hard to keep me apart from his friends that makes me all the more suspicious, even when he isn't really doing anything wrong. If only he were willing to include me in his social circle. If only he had given me and them a chance to be friends too. If only he could have shown me that there was nothing to be jealous over. If only... But I suppose this is all too late now. Once distrust has taken root, it is very difficult to remove it. I chose not to reveal this "revelation" to him because I don't want him to think I'm forcing him to include me in his clique and because I really don't want to fight and argue over the rights and wrongs anymore. During lunch, while waiting for my food to be ready, Faye Wong's 我愿意 kept playing in my mind. Googling the lyrics, I came across this line: 我愿意为你被放逐天际 只要你真心拿爱与我回应, 什么都愿意 什么都愿意为你. I recalled the nights sobbing my guts out, remembered all my suicidal thoughts over this huge obstacle in our relationship and then I realised that if I can be willing to give up my own life for him, what more can I not tolerate? It was as though a huge rock had been lifted from my heart. I still find it hard to accept him spending so much time with her. I still hope against hope that at the end of the day, his choice will still be me. But I'm not going to cling on so tight anymore. As I said, what's meant to be mine will be mine. If I've got to fight so hard to keep him by my side, I'd rather let the both of us go. This evening while out with Simin for dinner and movie, I felt so self-conscious when the topic of marriage and HDB came up. The idea that we could possibly still get married and move into our flat. The one we've I've been waiting and dreaming of. Once again I caught myself thinking too far in the future. So quickly, I changed the subject because I didn't want to think about it. If its meant to happen, it will happen. Tonight I realised that the numbing, aching feeling I got in my heart whenever I got upset at knowing they'd be spending time together again has somewhat lessened. I don't know if that is a good or bad sign. I also realised that we both probably have a long way to go if we wanna find back our love as it used to be, but I'll be taking a shot. I'm still going to tamp my hopes down just in case, but I'll try. In the meantime, I think I'm just going to continue to ignore what I don't want to face. Life is easier this way.
.Monday, March 04, 2013 ' 4:59 PM Y
I think I haven't cried as hard and as long as I did last night. Only when the fact sink in that there might really be a break up did I realise that its really not what I want. So I just have to work harder to condition myself not to care about his actions anymore. I am trying my best to surround myself with work and lots of different activities to take my mind off all this shit that's been happening. I feel as though I haven't been truly happy in a long while and I miss my own laughter. So now after so many tears, I've decided to let go and just let myself be carried from day to day by the flow of life. If at the end of the day he really decides that he really cannot let me into his world then there will come the day that we really have to walk our own paths. It hurts a lot trying to let go. Afterall over the past 7 years, we've been meeting almost every single day. A lot of the things I've done, the place I've gone to and the people I've meet, are all inter-linked with memories of him. Everywhere I turn to I inadvertently think of him. And its really taking a very huge effort to try and block that out. I'm also blocking out any shred of hope that is looking to weasel into my heart because I know from experience that the higher the hopes, the harder the fall. For a while I forgot, and I fell so hard that I don't know how to pick myself up. But still I have to try. I was feeling suicidal again last night. For those long hours all I could think of was to jump out the open window, or to slit my own wrists again (I still have those shards from glass from many years back), or to down pills. So silly, and so weak. But I know at the end of the day, these are just silly thoughts. I won't let myself act so recklessly anymore. Now that I have one less person to depend on, I have to be stronger for myself. One day at a time, one step at a time. Harden my heart, numb out my feelings. I can be stronger.
. ' 12:27 AM Y
After another major quarrel yesterday, my heart is truly dead. For some unfathomable reason he finds it really difficult to include me in his world and I am sick and tired of hoping to join in. I gave him my word that from now on I will not attempt to control or complain about his actions, his whereabouts and his companions. I have truly given up.
I cannot understand why he continues to claim to love me when he is the one who keeps keeping me apart from his friends and colleagues. Is it too much to ask to want to be a part of his group of friends too?
I don't wish to think any more. The more I think the angrier and more heartbroken I become. Perhaps its best for both of us to not ask, not know and not care about each other's actions. There is no happiness to be shared because he refuses to be a part of mine and does not allow me to be part of his. Therefore let's just save me all the tears of anger and heartache. I'm slowly numbing my heart to all this now.
Yesterday during my cousin's wedding dinner, when they played the video of him and his bride saying the wedding vows, all I could think of was "Its all so meaningless."
And yes, if we ever marry its just going to be an empty shell of a marriage with him leading his life with his friends and I living my life with mine. How sad. I still wonder what exactly I've done wrong to deserve all this but lately I've become adept at conditioning my mind to block out thoughts that I don't wanna think about.
I'm taking life one day at a time now. Planning too far into the future cost me a huge heartache and I'm not ready to think so far again. Today in JB with the girls, I saw that my favourite jewellery store Love & Co had opened a branched in City Square. For a while, out of old habit, I was happy and automatically wanted to peek at the range of wedding rings. And then I remembered that its pointless any more. I think this is the first time in about 2 years that I've ever walked past so many jewellery shops without peeking into the windows. Wish I had that kind of steely determination to fully focus during work and not give in to the urge to surf the Net when I should be working.
Let Fate decide my future. Let him be the one to take the initiative this time. I'm done always being the to put in time and effort that no one appreciates.
THE LOVED ONE;
*MaKiNo AyAnO TsUkUsHi -
*born 10th November -
*PrOud LittLe ScOrpioN -
*StuBBorN & quIcK-teMpeRed -
*FoRgivEs bUt NeVeR foRgEts -
*cOntAct hEr at
*a New laPpY
*tRaveLs aRouNd tHe wOrLd
*to LivE in RiChmOnd,B.C