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.Friday, March 29, 2013 ' 2:47 AM Y
第九天:

終於到台北了!

最近的心情有點像雲霄飛車,也有點像孕婦。有時很好,有時很差。

早上在搭飛機的時候,不知道是因為看了愛情片還是因為好天氣,在空中看著好美的一片雲海,又或者兩者都有。心情是開朗的。不斷告訴自己,算了,就算將來我是一個人,還是可以過得很好,還是可以很堅強。

到了台北,住進了飯店,到了通化街夜市按摩,再到美麗華商場看電影。突然的,多愁善感的那一面又湧上來了。而且就一直到現在。

再過四天,我們就真的什麼都不是了。
再過四天,六年半的感情就這樣不存在了。

吵吵鬧鬧了那麼長一段日子,我們好久好久沒一起看電影了。一起坐在電影院的那一刻,突然特別的傷感。以後不再有他陪我看電影了。以後在電影院裏覺得冷的時候,也不會有溫暖的手牽著我了。以後大概有很長的一段日子,我都得單獨一個人去看電影了。

不知道是因為特別敏感還是想太多,今天的他好像特別的溫柔。可是他對我越溫柔,我的心越亂,越害怕。如果沒感覺,為什麼還可以那麼正常的對待我,好像什麼都沒發生過一樣。我已經不是他的女朋友了,他卻還這樣對我,那我們到底算什麼?是我想太多了嗎?

很怕那顆我一直在很小心守護著的心又會開始產生希望。我不想希望,因為我不想再次失望。所以我更加的肯定,做出以後都不要再見面的決定是對的。我自知自己一直沒那麼的強。如果繼續見面,繼續這樣不清不楚的糾纏,我真的會無法自拔,而且好像在糟蹋自己……

因為這個決定,一直有著在跟時間賽跑的感覺。因為再過幾天,回去之後,就真的會非常非常少見面了。除非逼不得已,否則我不會見他。要我和他做好朋友,對不起我現在暫時做不到。那張對著了那麼多年的面孔,將會漸漸變得模糊。。

不寫了。越寫越傷感。時間不早了,也該睡了。一天一天過得好快。殘酷的現實等著我去面對。

loved





.Wednesday, March 27, 2013 ' 10:38 PM Y
第八天:

原本應該已經在台北了,但因為錯過了原來的班機,只好在機場附近的酒店多住一晚,明天再前往台北。

時時刻刻不停地提醒著自己就快要變一個人了。

照一照鏡子。什麼時候我變得這麼胖這麼醜了?連我自己都沒辦法接受,也難怪留不住身邊的男人。或許分手也好吧。讓我在這些日子來,慢慢看清了自己的傻,自己的愚蠢。曾為了這個男人付出了我所有的一切,忘了保養自己。女人的青春是多麼的珍貴啊!我差點就錯過了…… 

趁著往後空出來的日子好好減個肥,保養一下自己,寵一寵自己。漂亮的女人有自信;我沒希望變成什麼大美女,但既然要找回自信,倒不如順便變美一下。說不定能夠遇見我真正的Mr.Right 呢?

也知好這樣安慰自己,逞一逞強。

曾經以為我們會一起白頭偕老,一起五十歲退休環遊世界,一起牽著手走遍世界各地。或許以後會有下一個,但現在我知道了,這個人不會是他。

是啊。這麼多天了。說了這麼多,吵了這麼多,彼此也都已經知道再也回不去,可是不知為什麼我就是那麼的固執,放不下。

男人最自由就是在單身的時候,而女人往往都因為放不下,忘不了而被捆綁著。
以後他就好了。再也沒人在他身邊嘮叨他的去處,也沒人管著他要做什麼。
我呢?嘮叨了六年,管了六年,突然沒人讓我嘮叨讓我管,會習慣嗎?會比較快樂嗎?

還是那麼在乎他是否會想念我。希望他會後悔,會知道原來不能沒有我,但我想那應該都是我單方面的胡思亂想吧。 

愛情這東西……得到後知道什麼叫做甜蜜,習慣後知道什麼叫做無法自拔,失去後才知道原來一切都是兩個人在一起做的一場很美很美的夢。當夢醒了,一切就不存在了。不管是哪一方先醒來,只要兩人不再做同樣的夢,一切就是不一樣了。

曾經多麼想要份轟轟烈烈的愛情,現在才知道原來平平凡凡就足夠了。但卻已經太遲了。

真的很羨慕那些可以一路走過好幾十年的夫妻。希望我還能有下一段真愛。希望我也能我有一個能夠和我一起走過天長地久的伴侶。

loved





.Tuesday, March 26, 2013 ' 9:42 PM Y
第六/七天:

今晚是我們在東京的最後一晚。

已經開始漸漸習慣即將要單身的事實。

心還是麻木的。還在拼命的找各種的活動填滿日後的空蕩。
要開始習慣一個人看電影了。
習慣一個人逛街,一個人放工後閑著無聊而搭長途巴士回家。

六年半以來,不管到哪裡做什麼,幾乎都是兩個人一起,突然之間要一個人去面對這麼多事,不知道我會需要多久去適應呢? 

不過我想,應該會比較容易減肥吧?一個人也應該很少會去吃那些什麼名貴的餐廳。少了一個人分享,也沒什麼意思了呀。

有人說,跟一個在一起多久,就必須用同樣的時間才能徹底忘掉他。是這樣嗎?我今年23歲,照這樣的理論,我要到30歲才能準備好接受下一段愛情嗎?恐怕到時已經沒人要了吧!

不過其實也有想過,就單身過完這一輩子。這次傷得好深,真的沒辦法再這樣子經歷一次。

正在很努力地提醒自己要堅強,要學會習慣獨立,學會不再依靠。
不敢奢望他會回心轉意,不敢奢望他會想念我,雖然我知道我一定會非常想念他。
是我之前太不懂得珍惜嗎?還是他太忽略了我的存在?

但這一切都不重要了吧?再過5天,我們就成為真正的陌生人了。
我真的沒辦法做到“好朋友”。這麼多年的愛情,他放開了,他忘了,可是我沒有。我沒那麼偉大,可以繼續呆在他的身邊默默的愛護他,當個好朋友。這不是愛情偶像劇呀!如果真的就這樣結束了,那我希望一輩子都別再見面了,免得勾起那些回憶又得再傷心一回。那我就一輩子都走不出這種愛卻得不到的痛了。才不要這樣子呢!!

有時會有那麼一股怨氣,氣他為什麼這麼沒良心。如果能痛痛快快的把愛變成恨,或許心就不會這麼痛吧?可是就是沒辦法……雖說愛與恨只在一線之差,可是我就是沒辦法越過那條線。是我太善良了嗎?哈哈哈!

再見之旅,只剩下5天了。
還是有著那一股不真實的感覺。
有點覺得自己好可悲哦。

loved





.Sunday, March 24, 2013 ' 10:30 PM Y
第四/五天: 

雖然早已知道這是我們的道別之旅,但是還是很難想像往後的日子,沒了他,還有什麼意義呢?曾經說過要一起到過的地方,以後只有一個人去了。曾經一起想過要一起到老,一起退休,一起環遊世界,一起做好多好多的事,現在一切的夢都沒了。

怎麼辦?我要怎麼把他放下?要怎麼放開這雙牽了快七年的手?要怎麼忘掉這個我曾經深愛,而且到現在都還是很愛的男人呢? 

雖然說好別再提起這些事,可是我要怎麼不去難過,不去多想呢? 

他問我為什麼這麼愛他?就算到了這種時候都還願意和他在一起,和他結婚,過下半生。

我真的不知道。

有人說,愛一個人不需要理由。或許就是這個道理吧。愛與不愛,不是人的心有的選擇的。 

好希望我們一輩子都可以像現在這樣,牽著手走在街上,偶爾緊緊的抱在一起。真的好希望可以不用回去面對現實。

真的希望有一天他能回到我身邊。這樣想會太傻嗎?那就當我是個大傻瓜吧。

好想痛痛快快大哭一場……

loved





.Friday, March 22, 2013 ' 10:44 PM Y
第三天:

早上又睡過頭了。起床的那一刻,好像拋下他自己去逛街,但是很慶倖我沒那麼做。
這一刻我知道,就算再怎麼生氣都沒辦法就這樣丟下他。

到了上野,看到了好漂亮的櫻花。這麼多年的夢和期盼,終於看到了。
這是我們倆第一次一起賞櫻花,卻沒想到也是最後一次了。

或許是櫻花讓我的心情也變好了吧,之後都好聲好氣的,沒吵沒鬧。

晚餐時,我們很深入地聊著我們的關係。大概…回不了頭了吧。
原來心在滴著血的那一刻,我還是可這麼的鎮定。
原來在證實他對我沒感覺了的那一刻,我可以那麼坦然,沒有崩潰。

很感謝他也曾經考慮過為了我放棄一切,但我真的承擔不起,因為我不想他以後因後悔而責怪我。愛情走了可以再找,但機會流失或許一輩子都回不來了。

而且既然沒了感覺,勉強在一起也沒有用,不是嗎?或許是我不夠好吧。

他拼命地向我道歉,我也只能笑著說沒事。道歉有用嗎?我要的是他的愛,不是無數的對不起!沒了愛,對不起算什麼?

他問我恨他嗎?我說,我不恨。氣嗎?曾經氣過,但已經不氣了。為什麼還對他那麼好?因為很愛,太愛。因為我想趁剩下的幾天,對他好,好好愛他最後一次。

我知道他也並不好受。看到他眼淚流下的時候,我心更痛,可是我連自己都安慰不了,又要怎樣去安慰他呢?

一切還是很不真實。還是有著 “ 怎麼可能?!” 的那種感覺。或許我們都需要時間去接受吧。

這個男人已經不屬於我了。雖然我還是那麼的愛他,可是我得學著放下了。答應自己不再哭的,卻還是忍不住流下了眼淚。真的很難想像沒了他的日子要怎樣過下去。

好像不顧一切繼續和他在一起。就算他不愛,我愛就夠了。為他接受一切,忍受一切。可是我沒有信心做得到。我知道姐妹們不會希望我這樣糟蹋自己,可是真的很想就這樣,不顧一切,跟了他。

有誰可以給我明確的答案,為我指點明確的方向呢?真的好累哦。好想一覺不醒,什麼都不用再去思考。太累了……



loved





.Thursday, March 21, 2013 ' 9:44 PM Y
十二天的再見。。。

第一天:
一上飛機就開始莫名的掉眼淚了。是太久沒見面了嗎?怎麼感覺坐在我旁邊的男人好像變得好陌生了呢?


明明知道這是我們最後一次一起出國了,應該開心一點的珍惜的。明明知道

曾經,我們是多麼讓人羨慕的一對。如今,卻變成了最熟悉的陌生人。

原來深愛卻得不到是這麼痛苦的。


原來痛哭是可以無淚的。

原來把自己按壓在水缸的那一刻,身體還是不想放棄的。 

原來人的生存慾望真的那麼的強,但現在我真的不知道有什麼理由生存下去。

知道這麼做非常的傻,但就是累得好像放棄一切。感覺好像整個世界都塌下來了。真的不知道要怎樣去面對。。。

第二天:
到了東京,Check-in 了去年來的時候,同樣的一間飯店。房間裝潢沒有改變,但感覺卻完完全全的不一樣了。好糟糕的心情。原本計畫的行程因為睡過頭而沒照着走。

哭得好痛,哭得好累。

姐妹們說,算了,當作最後一場美好的回憶。姐妹們罵我傻,我何嘗不知?姐妹们说,醒醒吧,別再發白日夢了。可是我沒力氣讓自己從那谷底站起來。一個我那麼愛的人,一個曾經愛過我的人。 

曾經的愛,曾經的山盟海誓。

曾經說過要一起到老,一起退休環遊世界。

曾經為他做的那麼多,都不算什麼了嗎?

多十天的等待。他的答案真的會是我想聽的嗎?如果真的不是,我能忍住不崩潰嗎? 

做人真的好煩。。。

loved





.Tuesday, March 19, 2013 ' 2:46 PM Y
All these while, I thought it would be him that wouldn't be able to live without him, but now I finally realise that no, I am the one who would be totally broken. 

So much regret, so many apologies. Why did I let it come to this? 

Will I ever be able to walk out of all this unhappiness? 

Right now I just wanna curl up in a hole until someone can tell me that its safe to crawl out. That there will be no more pain, no more sadness, no more loss. 

I don't know if I can ever love again.

loved





.Sunday, March 17, 2013 ' 8:25 PM Y
2 more days to the trip. Things are still at a standstill, and we're still quarreling everyday. I know its mostly my fault; I just can't seem to control myself. I think we are considered to be split for now. 

My heart refuses to believe that my future could be without him, but my mind tells me to be rational and stop clinging onto false hope. I'm so confused that I really don't know what to do. We have so many things linked together; how are we going to separate all of it just like that? 

Its going to be tough telling the whole world that we're no longer together. I feel like a goddamn failure; I won't know how to face the world. And the flat. The dream home I always thought would be ours someday. Do I really have to give it up? 

How I wish I could have a whole span of time away from this world. Maybe travel around on my own so that I don't have to face all these nasty things. I hope my parents can love and understand me enough to accept the bad news. I hope my relatives can be kind and understanding enough to not laugh and point fingers. I hope the world in general can be understanding enough to not judge and make it harder for me to face them. I hope one day my heart can be warm again, and that I can still find my Mr. Right, that love will find me again and I can find happiness again. 

And the vehement side of me hopes that one day he will utterly regret losing me. I may not be the best girl in the world, but I dare say I have been more than a fantastic girlfriend to him. I hope one day he wakes up and realises what a dickhead he was to treat me like he did. 

I'm going to need a ton of time to move on. I don't know how long I'll need to pull myself out of this, and its drains all my strength every single to just keep going, to bring myself out as per normal to face the world. I really hope that one day I will fully recover from this, enough to seek love again. In the meantime, I shall set myself to the task of improving myself. I'll take this period to be the caterpillar in its cocoon and hope that in time, I will emerge as a butterfly. 

Top things on my list: 
  - Slim down
  - Take up Japanese language classes again
  - Return Dad's money asap
  - NO more being lazy. Push myself to actively find and do my freelance accounting. I need money!!!'
  - Take up vocal classes in the near future
  - Continue exploring the world!

Throughout all these, I've realised that I really have very bad split personalities. One very extremely negative, and one slightly more positive and rational. The latter keeps me going strong, and I hope one day my dominant personality can be the latter one. I will try my very best to walk the straight path, although the devil's been whispering in my ear for weeks now to let myself go and stray into the dark. Its been really tempting to just give up on myself but I suppose life is just like that. How many of us can just do what we want and ignore the repercussions? I know I definitely can't. I don't want to wake up one day hating myself even more than I already do now. 

I sometimes still wonder what sin I committed to deserve all this shit, but I don't wanna dwell too long on that anymore. I can't possibly spend the rest of my life in this cloud while he moves on happily, can I? I still have to pursue my own dreams and live my own life. Everything still feels so unreal, even though its not the first time this has happened. I've forgotten the pain from the past, and how I overcame it, but I shall have to pull myself through once more. 

loved





.Thursday, March 14, 2013 ' 2:48 AM Y
I realised that, completely opposite to a lot of other people, my period comes when I am particularly stressed or upset about a certain issue. When I'm relaxed and life is normal, it doesn't come. After going for so long with having regular periods, its become a bother to have to deal with them instead of routine. 

I've been a huge bundle of contradictions the past few weeks. One moment I'm the "small woman" who is content to wait quietly for him to sort his thoughts out, the next moment I'm the independent girl who doesn't need to take selfish shit from a guy. And yes, I think he's just being selfish and indecisive. I honestly don't know what they've been feeding into his system over at his company but I think he's sunk in so deep that he's being blinded to a lot of things. I don't know how to get through to him anymore. 

At the end of the day, he is still naught but a man. Smart brain on top, stupid brain below. I can't stand him spending any single minute of his time with her. Call me crazy, call me jealous, call me a control freak. Whatever. I don't care whether she is plain dumb or if she's smart and has ulterior motives. All I know is that I fucking cannot stand her presence near him. If you fucking know that someone is attached and near the point of marriage, don't be a bitch and step your leg in, intentionally or not. 

Its getting really tiring; all this dragging, all this time spent in uncertainty. I just want to know whether he still loves me. I know I'm being uber impatient but hello? Does one really need such a long time to wrestle with that question? I know for sure that if we decide to go our separate ways, I'd never be able to do what he expects: Pretend nothing went wrong and remain good friends. Sorry but I will definitely need to retreat somewhere to lick my wounds and I don't know when I can finally emerge from that cocoon. Whenever he brings up anything relating to the future that includes both of us in it, I hesitate because I truly don't dare to hope. And it does shit to me, because when I hesitate it hurts. When I don't hesitate, I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt worse. So what do I do?!!

To be brutally honest, I'm not even looking forward to the trip much anymore. But I'm still going ahead because I've talked about the trip for so long. We've invested so much money, I've spent so much effort on the itinerary. It'd be stupid to let all that go to waste just for one undeserving guy. 

I don't know how to get my mind out of this whirling pool of confusing thoughts. On one hand I don't want him to give up this opportunity to switch over to the marketing department because I know he really wants it. I don't want to be the one to force him to give up the opportunity and years down the road blame me for it. But for selfish reasons, I want him out of that company. I want him far away from her, from all those distractions. I know full well that if he stays on, our relationship will just be full of quarrels. Even if we manage to stay together now, we'd still end up apart. 


Given a choice, who wouldn't want to be rich? But if this is what it takes to reach that peak, if we have to go through even greater suffering and pass through more obstacles then no thanks I'd much rather be contented with what we have. I think I finally understand why rich people will always tell you that no matter how much money you have, happiness can't be bought. Along that climb to the top, you've probably sacrificed a lot of time and people, and when you reach the top and look back, there are probably so many regrets that you can't help but ask yourself, what was the purpose of the climb? 

I know he's too stubborn to listen to all this now. Like I said, I honestly don't know how to get through to him anymore. Whenever we talk, I can't help but bristle like a hedgehog and keep making barbed comments. I know its an irritating trait of mine, but its also my way of protecting myself. Even if I'm weak and all mush inside, I've still got to present a tough facade. This is the most basic layer of self-defense. 

The only thing I have left to bank on and put my hopes upon is that 6 and a half years of going through thick and thin will prove to be strong and solid enough to break through that fog in his brain and heart. If not... I want to find a faraway place to go and be alone and not face the world for a little while. I can say with a clear conscience that over this past 6 years, no matter how bad my temper has been, no matter how unreasonable or how "princessy" I've been, I have given him and our relationship a fully whole and complete me. My entire heart, my entire soul. Maybe its too much to expect the same from him? 

Maybe all this is just retribution. 6 years ago I was the 3rd party between him and Van. I can make all sorts of excuses to comfort myself, that they weren't really in love; that he was already planning to call it quits with her. But nothing can deny the fact that he was still with her. So maybe this is my punishment. Maybe this is retribution. That I am fated to have a 3rd party destroy my relationship too. I can still recall many things. Like how he dragged his feet opening his mouth to initiate the break up with her, like how he once promised me long ago that he'd never make me cry every again. Empty words, childish promises that probably never meant anything to him. God knows I've cried my fair share of tears over the past years for him. 

No matter how strong and independent I put myself out to be, at the end of the day I am just a very normal girl. A hopeless romantic wanting to love and to be loved. Who do I have to pray to to obtain my answers? Please, whoever or whatever, if he is not the one for me, give me a sign so that I don't foolishly hang on. When I look up I cannot see what exactly is it that I'm hanging on to anymore. 

loved





.Tuesday, March 12, 2013 ' 11:00 AM Y
Nothing describes how I feel right now more aptly than this song:

I really hope we can have a future together.

loved





. ' 2:33 AM Y
Had quite a long chat with Issey today, and she really helped to sort out a lot of my thoughts. Basically, she delivered that long overdue slap that I've been needing to wake me up. I admit that I'm still that lost little girl waiting for his heart to open up to me once more, but I've also finally opened my eyes to the fact that I probably need to make a lot of changes to myself, both on the inside and the outside at the same time. 

All these years, because of him, I've been letting myself slowly slide into a slump. I lived my entire life for him and forgot that I'm also a living, breathing human who needs love and care to shine. I showered all these on him but left nothing for myself. I've been so busy wanting to take care of him that I didn't even realise that I've neglected myself. 

And perhaps because he has been so safe and secure in the knowledge that I'd be there for him no matter what, he started taking me for granted, whether consciously or not. I truly don't believe that there is no love left, just that the spark is fizzling out because things were getting too routine. It was a comfortable routine, but then distractions came onto his path and roused his interest. 

I can't continue slumping in my corner waiting for him to come back to me. I still want him back of course. I still hope that he can tell me that he loves me with all his heart, that if we ever do marry, it will be based on our love for each other, and not out of a sense of habit or obligation to each other. I still hope that we can be the world for each other, just as we used to be. 

But this time I won't allow myself to neglect myself anymore. I can't let myself go to waste. I really have to pick myself up, stop being that lazy bum and really set about effecting the change that I keep daydreaming about. Things like my appearance, my lifestyle, my social circle and broadening my own horizons. 

I know its impossible to do a 180 degree change overnight but step by step, I have to start improving myself for myself and not for anyone else. I know it sounds way easier than it seems but I've got start somewhere don't I? 

And if the worst case scenario really happens (please, if there is justice in this world, don't let it happen), I've got to distract myself as much as possible because I know I will simply fall apart if I don't. I really don't want to imagine that but I'm really so afraid. I don't really know how I'm going to truly enjoy the trip when the only thing that keeps weighing on my mind is whether he will be able to give me the answer I want to hear. 

Off to bed now. No tears tonight I hope. So far nothing to trigger them, but my emotions have been an unstable roller-coaster for the past few weeks. Please let me get through this ride unscathed

loved





.Monday, March 11, 2013 ' 2:06 AM Y
Blogging on a new laptop after my old VAIO died. This new one takes a little getting used to, but 2 hours into it, I hate Windows 8 already. I'm not the kind who likes so much detailed customisation. I don't fiddle in-depth with IT products. I want it easy and straightforward and figuring out Win8 kills too many of my brain cells. 

People say that if you cry too much, your eyes might go blind. I hope mine aren't taking too much damage. 

How did we come to such a pass? I really don't know. Its really pointless to try and blame anyone or anything now; I just hope that at the end of the day things can really work out. Please, if there's really a God out there. I may not be an angel, but I don't believe that I'm really so sinful that I don't deserve to have a happy ending.  

Nowadays I can hardly do much without thinking and thinking about our relationship. Obsessing about how we can move forward and truly find happiness. I cry more easily than a pregnant woman. During the day, I have to be strong. I have to hide the tears and put on my smiles. But at night, the tears flow and I find myself crying for hours on end. What will remain of me if he decides to let me go? I really can't imagine. 

loved





.Friday, March 08, 2013 ' 4:58 PM Y
I feel like I opened a can of worms by telling him the truth, that I cannot feel the love in my heart anymore. I got a huge shock when he told me that he had similar thoughts too. Never in my wildest imagination would I envision such a scenario. Have I been too confident in his love for me? 

Its going to be a very trying period of us now, and this upcoming trip to Japan is going to hold so much more than just a simple holiday. It will be the time for us to try and salvage this relationship, and if we are unable to do that, to sit down and truly decide how to move on from here. I really hope with all that's left of me that it won't come to this, that we can still find back that love. And this time I really have to put down my pride and try to make it work. I am just afraid that at the end of the day  I will end up being the one left heart-broken. Really afraid. 

The only positive thing about all this is probably that we had the most honest and heart-to-heart conversation in a long time. No holds barred. Its true, that the truth really hurts. I know I hurt like hell. The tears that had dried up over the past few days came back again. But I can imagine it isn't any easier for him either. 

I really hope that we can get through this hurdle and that if we do, it will strengthen our relationship. I honestly never want to go through such an obstacle again for the rest of my life. I truly cannot imagine my life without him in it, no matter what I said or thought when we were at loggerheads. Should I try to help him along during this period or just leave him to it? 

Maybe I'm fickle, or just screwed up. But I know that as of right this moment, I still want this guy. I'm not ready to give up so many years of love, of shared memories and shared dreams. I will do my very best to give this relationship another shot. I can only hope he can give me the answer I want to hear. 

loved





.Wednesday, March 06, 2013 ' 1:28 AM Y
For so long I've felt like the 3rd party instead of her. For so long I've been struggling and debating over whether to reassert myself as the real GF or to just hide quietly in my corner and leave them alone. I said as much to him, but as usual, I don't think he could grasp how I felt. 

We quarreled again in the morning. I felt bad about it because I knew he was really sick and unwell, but I just couldn't control myself. But then I think I finally sorted out my thoughts. 

Somewhere, somehow, between the journey out to lunch and back, the pieces of the puzzle clicked into place. 


I now realise that my jealousy and insecurity over her, and the fact that he is so unwilling to allow me into that part of his world is actually interlinked. For many days I've been thinking and wondering whether it really was my fault. Am I too insecure? Am I too jealous? If so why? I compared myself to a lot of other attached people I know whom are also close to friends with the opposite gender. And then I realised. That it is because that he tries so hard to keep me apart from his friends that makes me all the more suspicious, even when he isn't really doing anything wrong. 

If only he were willing to include me in his social circle. If only he had given me and them a chance to be friends too. If only he could have shown me that there was nothing to be jealous over. If only... But I suppose this is all too late now. Once distrust has taken root, it is very difficult to remove it. I chose not to reveal this "revelation" to him because I don't want him to think I'm forcing him to include me in his clique and because I really don't want to fight and argue over the rights and wrongs anymore. 

During lunch, while waiting for my food to be ready, Faye Wong's 我愿意 kept playing in my mind. Googling the lyrics, I came across this line: 我愿意为你被放逐天际 只要你真心拿爱与我回应, 什么都愿意 什么都愿意为你.

I recalled the nights sobbing my guts out, remembered all my suicidal thoughts over this huge obstacle in our relationship and then I realised that if I can be willing to give up my own life for him, what more can I not tolerate? It was as though a huge rock had been lifted from my heart. I still find it hard to accept him spending so much time with her. I still hope against hope that at the end of the day, his choice will still be me. But I'm not going to cling on so tight anymore. As I said, what's meant to be mine will be mine. If I've got to fight so hard to keep him by my side, I'd rather let the both of us go. 

This evening while out with Simin for dinner and movie, I felt so self-conscious when the topic of marriage and HDB came up. The idea that we could possibly still get married and move into our flat. The one we've I've been waiting and dreaming of. Once again I caught myself thinking too far in the future. So quickly, I changed the subject because I didn't want to think about it. If its meant to happen, it will happen. 

Tonight I realised that the numbing, aching feeling I got in my heart whenever I got upset at knowing they'd be spending time together again has somewhat lessened. I don't know if that is a good or bad sign. I also realised that we both probably have a long way to go if we wanna find back our love as it used to be, but I'll be taking a shot. I'm still going to tamp my hopes down just in case, but I'll try. 

In the meantime, I think I'm just going to continue to ignore what I don't want to face. Life is easier this way. 

loved





.Monday, March 04, 2013 ' 4:59 PM Y
I think I haven't cried as hard and as long as I did last night. Only when the fact sink in that there might really be a break up did I realise that its really not what I want. So I just have to work harder to condition myself not to care about his actions anymore. 

I am trying my best to surround myself with work and lots of different activities to take my mind off all this shit that's been happening. I feel as though I haven't been truly happy in a long while and I miss my own laughter. So now after so many tears, I've decided to let go and just let myself be carried from day to day by the flow of life. If at the end of the day he really decides that he really cannot let me into his world then there will come the day that we really have to walk our own paths. 

It hurts a lot trying to let go. Afterall over the past 7 years, we've been meeting almost every single day. A lot of the things I've done, the place I've gone to and the people I've meet, are all inter-linked with memories of him. Everywhere I turn to I inadvertently think of him. And its really taking a very huge effort to try and block that out. I'm also blocking out any shred of hope that is looking to weasel into my heart because I know from experience that the higher the hopes, the harder the fall. For a while I forgot, and I fell so hard that I don't know how to pick myself up. But still I have to try. 

I was feeling suicidal again last night. For those long hours all I could think of was to jump out the open window, or to slit my own wrists again (I still have those shards from glass from many years back), or to down pills. So silly, and so weak. But I know at the end of the day, these are just silly thoughts. I won't let myself act so recklessly anymore. Now that I have one less person to depend on, I have to be stronger for myself. 

One day at a time, one step at a time. Harden my heart, numb out my feelings. I can be stronger. 

loved





. ' 12:27 AM Y
After another major quarrel yesterday, my heart is truly dead. For some unfathomable reason he finds it really difficult to include me in his world and I am sick and tired of hoping to join in. I gave him my word that from now on I will not attempt to control or complain about his actions, his whereabouts and his companions. I have truly given up.

I cannot understand why he continues to claim to love me when he is the one who keeps keeping me apart from his friends and colleagues. Is it too much to ask to want to be a part of his group of friends too?

I don't wish to think any more. The more I think the angrier and more heartbroken I become. Perhaps its best for both of us to not ask, not know and not care about each other's actions. There is no happiness to be shared because he refuses to be a part of mine and does not allow me to be part of his. Therefore let's just save me all the tears of anger and heartache. I'm slowly numbing my heart to all this now.

Yesterday during my cousin's wedding dinner, when they played the video of him and his bride saying the wedding vows, all I could think of was "Its all so meaningless."

And yes, if we ever marry its just going to be an empty shell of a marriage with him leading his life with his friends and I living my life with mine. How sad. I still wonder what exactly I've done wrong to deserve all this but lately I've become adept at conditioning my mind to block out thoughts that I don't wanna think about.

I'm taking life one day at a time now. Planning too far into the future cost me a huge heartache and I'm not ready to think so far again. Today in JB with the girls, I saw that my favourite jewellery store Love & Co had opened a branched in City Square. For a while, out of old habit, I was happy and automatically wanted to peek at the range of wedding rings. And then I remembered that its pointless any more. I think this is the first time in about 2 years that I've ever walked past so many jewellery shops without peeking into the windows. Wish I had that kind of steely determination to fully focus during work and not give in to the urge to surf the Net when I should be working.

Let Fate decide my future. Let him be the one to take the initiative this time. I'm done always being the to put in time and effort that no one appreciates.


loved






































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