.Friday, December 16, 2005 ' 3:54 PM Y
I'm slowing learning to let go of what isn't supposed to belong to me. I used to try and hold on to everything and everyone, because I was afraid to lose them. It was a lesson for me, a painful one, when I realised that it was simply time to accept fate as it was and let go. To avoid hurting more. I had my last cry that day, and now I'm coming to terms with it. And now I've starting to accept that invisibility may well be a very good thing for me. Its time to just hang back and relax a little. I know I'm running away from something. But I don't know what. My brain is in a mess and I don't know how to clear it up. I'm starting to reject everything around me again. Love, care, concern... Whatever. I don't know how many people I'll be hurting again, but right now I really can't seem to pick myself out. This has got to be one the worst holidays yet. Everytime I think I've run out of tears, something else crops up to make me cry again. Its also the first time I've cried so hard while watching a drama serial and it's really stupid. I've totally lost control of myself again. My thoughts are all just whirling around. Okay. Back to this whole invisibility thingy. I used to try so hard to find my place in the group. To make myself feel that I actually belonged somewhere instead of just being an odd angle protruding out where I wasn't wanted. But get this. Every movie and every show has only one main lead actor. The rest have to be content with settling for second best. And that's what I've got to do right now. It should have been that way long ago. But its okay. Its still not too late to learn. Just like how I've learnt to loosen my hold on what isn't supposed to be mine. Vying for things out of reach is just like trying to pluck the stars from the sky and keep them in a bottle so that they belong solely to you. Not only is it impossible, its also crushes your inner soul when you finally realise how silly you've been. And now its time for me to wake up from my stupor. Whatever. Maybe this whole entry sounds confusing. Perhaps it sounds depressing. My apologies. Please ignore me.
.Tuesday, December 13, 2005 ' 3:01 AM Y
One day, this I promise myself, I will really leave this house and never step into again. Never to face all these nonsense and never have the take all this crap from her. Ever. Sometimes, living in that place is simply hell for me. Never a moment of peace. Its so tiring. Sometimes I honestly believe that it would be simply easier to die in my sleep or something like that. But no. Not now. I have other things to achieve in my life; I have yet to experience many new and fun things. I still want my revenge. Oh god. That sounds so damn serious its scary. But I can't think of any other way to put it. Oh whatever. Lets just leave this alone for the time being. I am so damn pissed off. My powerpets account. Frozen just like that. What is this? Almost two year of effort and time. Gone. Just like that. As in, *poof* and everything's gone. And all this, the doing of a trusted friend. Almost like a brother. I don't care what explanation he gives. I don't care whether he did it on purpose or whether it was purely an accident. He's got me on his warpath. I can't believe it. Its as though something inside me has gone numb. With what? I don't know. The next three days. Our chalet. Finally. But will I really be able to enjoy myself? I am so very tired. 4 hours of sleep is taking its toll. All these f***ing problems are taking its toll. When can all this end?
.Thursday, December 08, 2005 ' 3:28 PM Y
I'm feeling much better. I'v got myself under control again. Just read my godsister and godbrother's blog about 5 minutes ago. And realised how aboslutely selfish I have been. Me and my friends. Firstly I would really like to apologise for trying to bring them together again after so many unhappy episodes, especially since we used to try to separate them all the time. I completely failed to understand how they were feeling. Until they had to present the facts in front of me. I feel so guilty. But i have to defend that the reason we keep trying to bring them together is simply because we know that they DO have feelings for each other still. I mean, who wouldn't like to see happy endings, especially between treasured friends? I mean, both of them are very important people in my life and yes, I would love to see them together. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm trying to excuse myself from all blame. I do sincerely apologise, again, for trying to bring them together and of course, from the fact that I feel some pleasure from seeing the two of them together. Is that sick? I don't know. Really. I mean, surely it isn't wrong to want to see happiness between two people? Especially between two people who COULD have a very bright future together if they really tried hard enough and stopped running away from their problems. From my point of view, they could just sit down and discuss their own emotional barriers and truly understand the fears of the other party, instead of keeping everything all bottled up or turning to other people instead. This is what makes the other party feel hurt and rejected. A side step here: this theory could also prove to be useful in friendships. What I'm trying to put across is, no matter what kind of relationship it is between two or more parties, honesty is the very best policy. I suppose this sounds corny but when one actually thinks about it carefully, it is actually very true. Okay, I'm going out of point here. Back to the main topic. I do admit that I definitely do not have the right to try and involve myself in matter which only concerns the two main parties. I'm truly sorry. Now for the second thing. My godbrother. I don't know... Its like... I feel that I'm losing him. He slowly but definitely drifting away from me, from all of us. I don't like what's going on, but I can't stop it. I don't know how to. What he presents to the world. Is that really the real him? Because I seriously doubt it. He's changed so very completely. And it isn't for the better. But I still love him. As a friend, as a sister. I really wish he could stay with the group forever, but I know some things are very hard to hold on to. But I just can't bring myself to let him go. Maybe I will if that is what he really wants, but no guarantees. What I know is, the day he leaves is the day when he brings a portion of my heart with him. I don's care how corny it sounds. Its the truth, but I don't dare to let him know it. Here goes for being a coward. *Sighs* No more mood to blog. I'm signing off. Hope everything will work out correctly. Carpe Diem.