So did not feel like coming for lecture today. Was even tempted to just tell my project mates that I'm not feeling well and just skip project consultation as well. But here I am forcing myself to do what I'm supposed to do. Urgh.
Feeling quite depressed these few days. I suppose its the stress from the many projects crushing down on us. I just can't wait to complete my 3 years of polytechnic education and then escape somewhere else for a break.
In some way, I suppose I'm being very similar to QR. But there's no way I can force myself to hide behind a false identity. The thing is, honesty is not something everyone can accept. Its okay when I try to be honest with myself, but when I try to be honest with my views, many people think I'm just being a fucking bitch. And it just makes me even more depressed.
In some way, I've lost all that I ever held close to my heart, especially in terms of friendship. Take away Dear from me, and I'm probably left with no one. And yes, I'm afraid. Very afraid. But what else can I do? Everyone is busy with their own lives. And that is what I have to do. Busy myself too. All this depression must have been caused by slacking for too long. And it still has to last for another 3 weeks. Lord help me.
I will NOT break down. Repeat that a zillion times.
And I should probably stop putting hope in too many things as well.
Life is short. I need to stay happy. Repeat that another zillion times.
Yea, I'm really happy. *Pui*
.Thursday, November 29, 2007 ' 12:34 PM Y
I don't think I've ever felt as utterly lonely and invisible as today. And for the first time I realised that loneliness doesn't literally mean being on your own. It means that you're surrounded by hundreds and thousands on people and you know that none of them are people you can turn to. And the only person who cares enough is duty-bound and unable to be by your side.
Its the first time ever since I stepped into NP that I had to try to blink back that bit of hateful, wretched wetness attempting to escape from my eyes. I supposed its my own fault really, because I keep letting the tiniest obstacles get me down. I'm really trying, but its tough. Even tougher than fighting some terminally ill disease. Serious. Because for the latter, all you have are 2 options. Either you get well or you die. Simple.
I guess I should stop being so depressed and find something I can do to cheer myself up, but there is seriously nothing to do. No kidding. Unless I go to the library and load myself with books again. What kind of pathetic existence am I living man... Damn sians.
All this depression probably should be attributed to the monthly Girls-Only privilege, a point of time where we girls/women can just be as bitchy, depressed, crazy and nerve-wrecking(towards others) and get away with it. Why? Because PMS is incurable. Muahahaha. =P
Okay lah. Supposedly time to stop crapping. I know just the thing to cheer me up. Keke. I'm off to Tudou! ^^
.Tuesday, November 27, 2007 ' 2:33 PM Y
So much time but nothing to do and nowhere to go. Sighs. That's the bad thing about studying so far away, I guess. People just can't be bothered to care about whether you feel bored or not. Because that long distance is more important than anything. Urgh! I'm being consumed by boredom!!!
FFA tutorial today was cancelled. Time flies so damn fast lah. Two more weeks and Common Test is here. And I've been slacking for the whole term so far! Even more than last semester. Haha. Have to seriously start mugging for tests, even though weightage is only 20% and questions are mostly MCQs and fill-in-the-blanks kind. Haha.
Decided to stay back in school for the IS briefing later, since I've got nothing better to do anyway. But that also means that I have to rot off 3 hours of my life in front on the PC in the library because I didn't bring my laptop to school today. URGH. And the keyboard here sucks. The keys are placed so close together that I can't type comfortably!!!
Thinking of getting a new laptop next year during the Laptop Fair held in school. My sister's laptop is seriously breaking down soon and Dear's PC still isn't up yet. Anyway, I've long since regretted buying the Acer. Intend to pay off my "debt" of about 2k by next year June, instead of three years later. Haha. I know people are probably gonna spit at me for wasting money again, but seriously, my laptop is my life! So when there is nothing unsatisfactory in my life, I will do all I can to change it for the better. Heh heh. Might also consider getting a better router for my home. The current one I'm using keeps losing signals every now and then.
Oops. Seems like I'm counting my pennies before they're earned again. Hee...
Read SL's blog and saw all this hesitation. Haha. How come so many problems seem to generate from the same source?
Today I confided in Celeste about many many things, and she gave me some really sound advice: When you've done all you can to help and care for someone, but that person still does not appreciate your efforts and deliberately tries to hurt you and others, its probably time to carry on with your journey down life's road instead of stopping at the same spot forever.
In a sense, I guess that's really true. I used to have a very caring sister, but over the years as we both changed, some part of her got too used to being sheltered and spoilt by the people around her. She told me to just let her be the bitch she is, but underneath, we all know she's not. I don't know what else I can do to find that sister back, but I can safely say that if this stranger she's turned into continues to hide behind that bitchy identity, the day she tries to emerge from the shell will be the day that she really no longer knows who she is.
It is still not too late to face reality and do something about the mess of her life. For a start, she could stop looking at criticisms as a form of rejection. She could stop rejecting everyone just because she's afraid of being hurt. She could stop being stubborn and stop enclosing herself in her own shell, hiding behind a FALSE and negative identity and hurting people around her. Or maybe its just me.
Alright alright. This is my last time talking about this. I know she will probably think I'm being meddlesome. But seriously, would someone who didn't care try to say so much just to salvage the leftover ruins of a relationship?
Drag... This is turning out to be a longer entry than I expected. Anyway, I'm looking forward to visiting quite a few places during the 2-week holiday in December. 1st would be the MINT museum of toys at Seah Street. I've got a 1-for-1 ticket coupon so anyone who's interested to go can go with me if you like. =)
There's also that SPI thingy, but I don't think anyone else other than me would be interested, so I'm not going to bother asking. Haha.
And then there's the zoo and the Night Safari to visit, as well as the chalet I intend to book for next year. And not to mention the coin factory thingy as well.
Haha. I know all these involve money, but don't worry I know my limits now. Haha. Although it doesn't seem so, but over the past year, I've actually learnt to manage my money very much better than the past. I admit I still waste abit here and there, but at least after i indulge myself, I am still able to support my basic needs. And I've already made plans to really save up next year, so no worries. Haha.
Okay lah. Going off to watch some video clips and do abit of reading. Ta-ta.
.Monday, November 26, 2007 ' 1:19 AM Y
Gosh. I'm blogging practically everyday. And flooding my own blog with b-o-r-i-n-g posts. Haha.
My iPod hanged today!!! Hang is in totally not responding, even now, 3 hours later. What the heck. Luckily I wasn't the one who spent a few hundred bucks on it. URGH. But I still have to get it fixed though. Otherwise I'll have to go without an MP3 again. Anyone knows where Apple service centres are located? I know there's one in Ang Mo Kio, but is that the only one???
Tomorrow school will end super duper early because BMGT tutorial is being used up for project consultation. And our group booked a half hour time-slot. Which means I can be out of school by 3pm latest. Haha. Still have to head to town to get my iPod serviced though. Uber sians.
Might consider going to the gym after school tomorrow. Haha.
This is all for today. Going off to watch my Why Why Love dvd. I've been stuck at episode 18 for days. Keke. Goodnight~!
.Saturday, November 24, 2007 ' 11:57 PM Y
I got my nails manicured today!!! Haha. $12, at the Good Earth Nail Bar at Tampines Mall. I chose a metalic purplish-pink colour and had a bit on nail art painted onto 2 nails as well. Haha.
The service was quite good, considering that I had chosen the cheapest package. Lol. And I was quite troublesome about the choosing of colours. Haha. Initially I wanted to get a solid purple colour, but when I saw how it turned out on the sample they showed me, it was too dark for my taste. So in the end, the manicurist very helpfully suggested a mix of metalic pink and light-blue polish and ta-dah!!! A very very nice shade of purple indeed. Muahahaha.
Felt super restless today. Because I had to wake up at a freakish hour of 8am. Imagine not being able to sleep in on a Saturday. URGH. And worse of all, after passing Dear something, I had nothing to do and no place to go because he happily went off to play soccer and I had to wait until my appointment at 3. So I literally rotted my arse off at Tampines Mall.
Dawdled over breakfast, which took 1 hour and then roamed around the mall aimlessly before going to do my nails. The whole time I was feeling super sleepy and ready to doze off anytime. *I didn't go home because I couldn't stand my mom's constant nagging. I swear that woman must have attended nagging classes at some point of time in her life man... She can nag for hours on end and not be tired of repeating the same things over and over again. ARGH.*
Anyways, I took a very long long long route via bus to Sengkang and although I still reached early, there were no customers so I didn't have to wait until 3. Haha. After that, I headed to Yishun.
I tried helping Ben and Van to train their Gods of Time character, but I kept dozing off while waiting for the battle screen to finish loading. After less than half an hour I decided to take a nap anyway. Haha.
And so that's the end of a very boring Saturday. And I'm still feeling very restless. I'm just someone who can't stand having nothing to do and spending even just one day like this makes me very short-tempered and restless. Haha.
Looking forward to tomorrow though. Going window-shopping!!! Haha. I know lah... Can see cannot buy. Its supposed to be torturous, but I enjoy it. Because its the only way I don't end up overspending. Keke. Going to watch TV now. Nighties~!
.Friday, November 23, 2007 ' 12:08 AM Y
Hurray!!! The movie Nanking, which will hit the screens on the 6th of December is rated NC16. Which means I don't have to sneak into the cinema to watch it. Muahahaha. Happy happy.
So many new and good movies scheduled to hit the screens soon too. Happy happy.
Up till today I still find myself puzzling over what I should not be thinking about. I still do not understand what the hell happened, and no one bothered to explain. Sad sad.
I managed to forget my unhappiness for many many hours today. But at the end of the day it all came back to me. Boo boo.
I think I'm such a great actress that I can conceal my real emotions to the extent that others cannot even detect the slightest hint of them. Disappointed disappointed.
Stayed up the whole night again. I'm going to look like a walking zombie during BCA tomorrow. Lucky I don't have to attend BLAW lecture, so I can go home at 1. Wondering where to go. Ben said he and Van have got an interview to go to, so most probably I will be spending the day alone, since Dear's got duty. Haha. Signed up for Free Laughs 3 but don't think I'll be going. Firstly because it seems silly to watch the movie alone with other people I don't know, and secondly, it it even sillier to have to rot in school for 4 and a half hours just to catch a comedy. I think most likely I'll be coming home to sleep. Haha. On second thoughts, I'm so tempted to just skip school tomorrow!!! Sighs...
I didn't know signing up for the PAssion card could get one so many perks. My mom and sister signed up and they each got a mailer with very nice special offers just for members only. Not that I'm a cheapskate or what, but you don't get free spa packages everyday ok? And trust me, the perks are not just those stupid cheap $2 off a bread or something. There's a 1-for-1 ticket to the MINT factory (I'm going to drag Dear there with me), a nice chalet at super cheap rates and many many others. Haha. I was SO tempted that I almost asked my sister to sign up for the card for me. Just to get all those perks! I know I know... I'm becoming such an auntie. =P
Anyway, the deal for my new student fell through, but I'm looking on the bright side. This is the season where parents start looking fervently for tutors and I'm sure I'll be able to get a few more new students.
Dear's camp has this new boss who might be asking them all to stay in during weekdays. Super uber SIANZ if Dear really has to stay in. Haha. What would I do? Work, I think. Maybe then I can even teach tuition and part-time at Fish & Co. Don't ask me why I'm suddenly turning into a workaholic. I'm just feeling restless. I miss rushing here and there just to be on time for work; I miss the feeling of satisfaction when I am paid for my efforts; I miss looking into my wallet and knowing I've earned all that money through hard work.
And I want to save up. I recently started becoming really crazy about saving money. Because I can't save up very much now, I'm starting with coins and $2 notes. At the end of every day, I empty the coins and the $2 notes in my coin pouch into my piggy bank and my former wallet. In fact, I even made Dear invest in this huge "My First Piggy" for me to slot my coins in. Haha. Its getting heavier and heavier everyday! At last count there was about $60 in it. Heh heh.
Wondering why I keep talking about saving up, about earning money and all? That's because there are so many things I want to do that need funds. Like setting up my own shop. Like investing in different banks and perhaps one day, invest in property. I want to save so that if there are suddenly anymore dry periods like this one whereby I don't have any form of income, I can still get by with life comfortably. Okay lah. Enough about that.
I don't think I'll be able to concentrate during lesson later. I think what I'll do is to just pack my bag and then sit at the table and nap a little before Dear wakes me up.
This post was basically crap talk because my brain isn't focusing due to the lack of sleep. Looking forward to 1pm. Haha. Good morning!
.Wednesday, November 21, 2007 ' 1:16 AM Y
Today must have been a real special day, because I witnessed quite a few heartwarming events on the way to Yishun from school. The bus was super crowded to point where we the passengers were squeezed like sardines near the door. Then there was this elderly couple who got on the bus and a few of the Nan Chiau Girls' students on the bus were standing near the entrance and they were like, Be careful!, because the bus was moving quite jerkily. Haha. And the couple happily started to chat with the girls. The man started telling them that his father used to teach at their school long long ago. Like, fifty or sixty years ago, before WWII started. So cool lah. Haha.
Just nice I was reading this book entitled Price of Peace (和平的代价), which is a compliation of past accounts given by ex-Force 136 members as well as others who fought in the war against the Japanese. I know most people will nod off at the very first page of such a book, but I'm the kind who's interested in all these sort of history stuff. Haha. I'm almost finished with the book.
So anyway, sorry for digressing. After a few people started alighting, there was more room to move inside the bus. And then there was this guy with a tattoo on his arm and an Ah-Beng face who actually gave up his seat to the old woman. Haha. What a perfect example of the saying that looks can be deceiving. On the contrary, those perfectly decent-looking people just went on sticking their butts to their seats even though there were actually quite a few other elderly people on the bus.
And that's the end of the whole story. LOL. A little lame I know, but the main point is, its nice to witness such things, because it shows that the world isn't as cold as it seems. Haha.
I really need to go to a professional manicurist. I simply suck at doing my own nails. Haha. Oh and last thing before I log off, here are the lyrics to my blog's background song. Its sung by Alec Su, who also wrote the tune, and is actually the song for some anti-depression campaign in Taiwan or China (I don't know which.) The lyrics are really actually meaningful; they're basically saying that life is full of ups and downs, but so what? Start each day as a fresh new day and don't let little things get you down so easily. Most importantly, love yourself! Haha. Enjoy~!
苏有朋-大不了 词:文雅 曲:苏有朋 ☆大不了ep
睡醒了一切都不同 解开了被束缚的身躯和灵魂 每一天都有新心情 不再为你天天失眠
锁上了记忆放轻松 让时间来决定我未来的旅程 是谁说过去的阴影 无法将他一切归零 so baby 同样是你的嘴角 往下时苦得已经无可救药 so baby 改变方向往上翘 让我能看到你的微笑
This incident actually made me realise that my thinking is somehow very warped. I can be thinking in one direction today, but tomorrow, I might have changed direction completely. For example, initially I thought by clinging on, there would be hope for change. Then as the days passed, I kept changing my ideas, because I developed the mentality that friendship shouldn't have to be like this. If at one point of time the other party finds you a burden then there is no point going on, is there? Besides, she has already found someone else who can take my place. So who am I to keep on hounding after her?
One thing I hate most, is being treated like an invisible, and that was how I had been feeling over the past few months with them all. Perhaps this is finally over. For now, this chapter of my life closes. I know that no matter what I say will be rebutted back to look as though I made the world crash. I don't know how or why, but somehow, in her own special way, she just always manages to make people feel guilty, especially me. But not this time. Say what you want. I don't acknowledge what I think isn't true.
I don't know what is her definition of a let-down, neither do I see how friends always have to be constantly in touch every single day or week. I didn't know just because I couldn't be there at her beck and call when she needed so, it became a brush-off. So be it. After all, its always been about how she feels and how she thinks.
I'm not turning vicious just because this whole thing didn't work out. Everytime she thought of herself being tired, she didn't think of others being tired. But since she loves pushing everything to me, I can accept all with graciousness. Bleahs. This is all becoming childish squabbling again. Well you've found your replacement. So I gladly give up that special place because I know its gone to a better candidate. Hope that other candidate does better than you thought I did. Remember, if one day you become tired of her too, tell her straight to her face instead of beating around the bush.
I've finally gotten a new job offer. 2 students this time. Muahahaha. Sisters actually. If everything goes smoothly, I start work again this Thursday. And next month I get back to my old student. Still waiting for calls from another 2 past students.
Finally things are picking up. Its amazing the amount of laziness that can build up simply by not working for half a month. I must not let myself become lazy! Haha. Can't wait for work momentum to be in full swing. People call me stupid, but I simply love travelling back in forth from student to student. Haha. And if nothing unexpected happens, I might be reaching my target monthly income by start of next year. What better way of starting the New Year than having one of your goals reached so fast? Heh heh.
Class today was fun. Its been so long since I've been so talkative in class. In secondary school, most of the class avoided me like the plague. But in tutorial today, I ended up chatting away happily here and there. I guess its also attributed to the fact that I've finally opened up. I'm still guarded and defensive at times, but I've also learnt that if you want to be heard, you have to speak up. And contrary to what my own circle of friends think, I'm not that hard to hang around. Just don't allow me to feel left out and you get a bubbly and chatty me. Haha. But then I've also realised not to expect too much from others, no matter who they are, because they might not realise my expectations and then I get disappointed all over again.
Actually, I could almost say that I'm somehow detaching myself from the world. I find pleasure in burying myself in work because it stops me from thinking about mundane problems. I stop involving myself in so many things because it only causes more problems and obstacles in my life. To many, my way of handling things might be wrong. To others, I might just be looked upon as the one with poor attitude. To each his own. I can never be perfect to everyone, so I can only to my best to satisfy myself.
If you have any suggestions on self-improvement for me, you're more than willing to drum them into me. Ben and BC's words did more than impact me, even though they were said out of silly quarrels. Thanks to them, they totally changed my way of perception to some extent. And it sort of allowed me to slow down my pace and do more reflection. Haha.
Looking forward to music lessons next year. I'm getting them, by hook or by crook. Muahahaha.
Why like that? I also don't know. Haha. But since its your choice, I respect it. Funny thing is, I wasn't even directly angry at you in the 1st place.
Sometimes I really find us too melodramatic. I think maybe because we've watched too many idol dramas until we got brain-washed to think very dramatically. But in reality, its just one small insignificant quarrel. Haha. True to say that both of us are stubborn, but in this case I don't even think there was a quarrel between us. If even Ben and I can sort out our differences the day after quarreling, how come we have to talk about breaking friendships or not out of the sudden blue moon?
Don't know what else to say lah. Haha. New goal now is to stop being so dramatic all the time.
If you're unwilling to reconsider, then its a real pity that our 5 and a half years were just broken up over $33.
歌手：苏永康 歌曲: Sorry Sorry... i am really sorry. 我又一次把你气哭在陌生街头 爱你...我当然爱你 自从第一眼到现在 甚至没人敢预测的将来
Quoted from kennysia.com: what seperates the kind of fights that break relationships and the ones that make couple grow closer together is how you resolve it, and also how sincere you are in resolving it. Every couple fights. But every fight is also an opportunity to get everything you want out of your system and to learn more about one another. Every cold war is a time for us to reflect on our own actions and our partner's words. After that, there should be a phone call or a text. No matter how stubborn a person is, no one can be so stubborn until they'd turn down a chance to genuinely compromise, reconcile, and make things better.
Lol. I know I didn't call/text you, and for that I apologise. Just wanna say that friends will always remain friends. There is no such need to talk about breaking or making up. ^^
.Friday, November 16, 2007 ' 10:05 AM Y
So freaking tempted to get the new iPod Touch. Courts is selling the 8GB version at about $500 and the 16GB at about $700. Its considered pretty cheap already, I think, taking into consideration brand, style, and popularity of the product. I might just save up and get one for myself next year. Haha.
I'm wondering. If you get the iPhone, would you still need the iPod Touch? I mean, I think both are actually quite similar right? Except that you can make calls on the iPhone. But then the iPhone is so freaking expensive~! There are dealers selling unlocked iPhones for $1200 on Mocca. That's like, close to 3 times of an iPod Touch! Besides, if I had $1200, I would rather use it to pay off my laptop loan. And the largest storage capacity is only 8GB! I'm not saying that's too small, but if you get the 16GB iPod Touch at $700, that still leaves you another $500 to get a good and new handphone.
I need more convincing to buy the iPhone!!! Haha. Dear is so gonna kill me if he knows that I'm intending to splash a few hundred bucks on an MP4 player. But STILL!!! Its very very nice you know??? Haha. If by next year the price of the iPhone drops to less than a thousand bucks, I might just consider saving for that. Hmmm... So many temptations lah! Haha.
.Thursday, November 15, 2007 ' 11:42 PM Y
Friends will always remain friends. We all need time to leave behind past episodes, and perhaps, this is one of those instances. Maybe one day, I will remove all those defensive armour again and all barriers will be dissolved.
To be honest, I don't even know how come we end up being angry at each other. To me, I'm just pissed that everytime, people are approaching me on your behalf instead of you coming to me yourself. Is is really so hard to come to me and say that you really need help?
I need to reflect too. Did Ben and BC really mean what they said? Because those 2 sentences keep replaying themselves in my mind like some out-of-order video tape. If it was said in a moment of anger, does that make it any less true? After all, don't people normally blurt out their actual feelings when they're feeling angry?
Its not that I wasn't sincere in talking things out. But if you ask me, I don't even where the whole problem is. So what is there to talk out about? Suddenly, when you ask me to talk, I couldn't think of anything. So at the end of the day, are we just kicking a fuss out of nothing? The foundation is there. Right. So are we doing too much or too little, to the point that we keep thinking that something is wrong? Could it be that we were just too senstive and let our thoughts run in all sorts of dramatic directions?
.Wednesday, November 14, 2007 ' 5:29 AM Y
Something happened today that really upset me. I don't know how to describe that kind of feeling, but it was as though I totally gave up. On everything that had mattered over the past years; everything that had ever existed. What they said were true. I changed until I didn't fit in anymore. Just like how a rotten apple will cause the rest of the apples to rot, they didn't want me pulling them into the quicksand.
I was talking to SL the whole incident and when I told him what I planned to do, he told me this: If this friendship was meant to break, it would have broken long ago. Hence if it can last till now, it means that there is a foundation there already. It just lacks some making and repairing and it will be the strongest thing you've ever built in your life.
真的是这样吗? Is there really a foundation? You keep asking me to take the first step, because it might just salvage everything. But why bother, when further down the road, there will the same roadblocks again? To continue walking down a bumpy road filled with obstacles, there must be something worthwhile waiting at the end of the journey. But what will be waiting for me at the end of the journey?
Why not just take the easy way out and travel comfortably down the other road, where there are no obstacles or roadblocks until I wish for them to appear? So that even if there is only emptiness at the end of the road, I wouldn't have wasted that much time and energy?
Maybe the drama should have ended long ago, just that we kept writing continuations because we couldn't bear to let go? Every drama and every story has a start and an end. Maybe ours should have ended long ago, just that we refused to acknowledge the original script.
This time, I don't know what that first step to take is. If I lift my foot to take that step, I wouldn't know where that foot would land. I'm hesitating. I'm confused and I'm struggling with the Good and Bad in me. But I'm tired, and the Good is losing. I don't want to fight anymore.
I'm finally 17~!!! Now to start the countdown to 18. Keke. Free access to alcohol and no more sneaking into cinemas to watch M18 movies. Muahahaha.
I'm freaking happy because people whom I didn't expect to wish me Happy Birthday are actually the first few. The most kiasu guy has got to be Gabriel (Gabrylo). And it was his birthday wish that touched me the most. It was nothing but just a simple "Hey, just in case I don't see you tomorrow, I'll just wish you Happy Birthday first".
Why touching? Because here is a friend whom I've never met in real life before. We don't know each other all that well, neither do we contact each other outside of MSN and blog tagboards. And he was the FIRST to greet me. The funny thing is that he actually went to tell Cindy that today's my birthday. I got a huge shock yesterday when I joined Cindy's class in the morning for MAEC tutorial and she suddenly turned back and said, "Eh, tomorrow's your birthday ah?" I was like, "How you know???" But anyway, the whole main point is, THANK YOU VERY MUCH GABBIE!!! You really made my day. ^.^
And also a huge thank-you to Jacklyn and Evelyn for the birthday wishes. Keke. We're only classmates, and not really that close yet (well except Evelyn? Haha.), but they were so sincere in their greetings lah! Thank you thank you. Haha. Don't know what else to say already, except that I'm really really really sorry (x100) that I can't join you guys for project at Causeway Point. I promise to do my part as well as I possibly can, okay? =)
And with that I'd like to thank these 3 very kind and nice people for making the start of my birthday so very very happy. Oh, and also thanks to QR and the usual gang for organising the Kbox "party" for me. I'll make sure I enjoy myself alot alot so that I don't waste your efforts. I'm going to sleep already. Meeting Dear in the morning. Will try to remember to take pictures during Kbox and post them up asap. ^^
P.S. Yesterday's entry was a little emo. I guess the lack of sleep got to me and made my brain fuzzy. Lol. But I'm impressed that even in such a state, my brain could still come up with that rainbow theory. LOL. Seems like I should sleep lesser, then my brain can churn out more of these theories. Haha.
.Friday, November 09, 2007 ' 4:10 AM Y
Its time to say goodbye. I don't know what kind of feeling this is, but I've known all along that this day should have come earlier than now. Don't know why the sudden "feel", but this is just IT.
Regarding my previous 2 entries, I know very well, and I think I've said this before, no possible no one is going to support me as "doing the right thing". And no, please don't assume that I think I'm right. Everyone does rash things in a fit of anger, and this rule applies to me too. You guys most likely have done the same things, although not in the same way. We are not that different; its just human nature.
Neither do I really think I was wrong to write all that. Standing on a 3rd party point of view, I'd fault myself. But standing on my point of view, let's just say that at the end of the day, I can read all I've written and swear to everyone else that those are my most honest opinions. Stuff that I didn't see the need to keep bottled up. I didn't privatise my blog because I don't see the need to hide from the world. If you're unhappy with that, so be it. I'm not the only who's stubborn and insists on doing things my own way.
I don't see any problem with expressing my anger openly. I don't deny I lack control. If a "Sorry" makes everyone feel more peaceful, there you have it. I'm being as sincere as I possibly can, but I still have to face myself. And I'm not sorry.
Enough said. Friends will always remain friends. I still treat BC as a friend despite saying all that. No, don't sneer and look at me like I'm some underling. It is true, and that I swear as well.
I know I've tried to do it over and over again and failed miserably. But I'm still going to try, until the day I succeed, because I'm guessing that day will be the end of the long rainbow journey. I'll finally find my pot of gold and stop looking back and keep being tempted to retrace my steps, which is impossible. Why? Because once you step onto the rainbow of Life, you either reach the end and strike gold, or you die trying. There's no turning back. That's why you get people who die happy, and people who die full of regrets. Because throughout their lives, they kept being pulled back. I don't want to be the latter.
If my brain were a factory, I'd want it to shut down for the next 2 months. When we did a personality test in IAC and I had to opt whether I was a "Thinker" or a "Feeler", I chose the former because I tend to think too much. Not as in depressed and negative thoughts, but somehow, my brain always loves to zoom in and focus on the tiniest thoughts and make me think of ways to do something or just keep tossing that thought around.
If life resembled Harry Potter land, I'd love to draw out my thoughts with my wand and dump all that silvery shit into the toilet bowl and flush them down. On second thought, maybe I should just lock them up, until one day I can face those thoughts without feeling troubled.
Enough of all that. My spirits are sinking lower and lower. They shouldn't be. I'm supposed to be happy.
I think maybe its just due to the fact that I'm tired, and I'm over-stressing myself. My mind just keeps zooming in on the future 2 months that are going to be without income. Dear keeps telling me not to worry, but I just can't help worrying. I just busted $110 on textbooks on Wednesday, and my sixth sense tells me I'm not going to get reimbursed from my parents for that.
I'm feeling stressed and tired and overworked and upset and frustrated right now. PMS kind of mood. Today I heard on this DJ on 97.2 saying that in Singapore, you don't have time to think about saving money or spending money, because all your energies are focused on how to EARN money. How true that is.
In fact, its so true in my case that I need to working constantly because I cannot stand the feeling of being broke. I can't face myself if I go to the ATM and my account is empty again, and I have no means to mend that whole. It got to this point where one day I was daydreaming again and I realised, what happened to my dream of singing? What happened to wanting to take up vocals lessons? And my inner self told me,"You don't have the money to take up lessons. Dreaming of singing is unpractical, because it can't fill your stomach and afford you small luxuries. Shelve those plans."
And that's what I've done. In a way, I've almost become like my sister, except that I don't love being this way. I still want to pursue my dream, but I can't find the courage. Besides, if I just keep focusing on chasing my dream, who's going to feed me? My parents are definitely not going to say, "Oh. You wanna take vocal lessons? Here's the money. And from now on just focus on singing. Forget about earning your own allowance." Heaven isn't going fall on us anytime within the near future.
SO, I'm heading in the direction of ACCA. Because this is one area of extreme interest that I don't mind developing. Perhaps one day I will have the chance to fulfil my dreams, but for now, practicality is more important. That's why I'm signing up for the CLSF scholarship.
What is the CLSF scholarship? Well first, CLSF refers to Chio Lim Stone Forest, which is actually a local auditing firm. I'm not very sure whether its one of the Big 4, but to able to offer scholarships like this, the company shouldn't be any small fry. What they offer is a 2 year scholarship award of $3k a year throughout my 2nd and 3rd year of polytechnic study, with me having to fulfil my 6-month industrial attachment programme during the 3rd year at CLSF. During this period, they're going to offer me the standard attachment allowance of $600/month, PLUS and additional $400 as scholarship allowance. Which means $1k per month.
I have to have a accumulated GPA of 2.5, something which I don't have. But I hope they can make an exception. Because at least I fulfil the rest of their requirements, one of which states that the applicant must be interested to pursue the ACCA qualification.
Upon graduation from NP, I'm expected to work for the company for 3 years(while taking ACCA), while they will pay for my ACCA course fees. How cool is that?
If I get this scholarship, it's going to reshape my entire future. My original intention was to join Ernst & Young, but that can be postponed. Some basic calculation. I graduate from NP at the age of 19. I join CLSF for the next 3 years and (hopefully) complete my ACCA course of study within these 3 years, and by then I'll be (19+3) 22.
At the end of these 3 years, I can choose to either quit CLSF or just stay on. I still have the chance to cross over to Ernst & Young. Haha. And by then, I'll most probably be in the midst of pursuing my dream. But not to get my hopes high. These are all just "IFs". I'm just praying hard that it will turn into a reality.
Its time to go get some sleep. I have to wake up at 7.30 to get ready for lesson. Anyone knows any way that I can get my brain and body to relax?
Hug me tight and just let me feel your warmth. Help me forget my troubles for a second and I'll love you for an eternity.
.Wednesday, November 07, 2007 ' 11:01 PM Y
Nice comments. I never said I wouldn't rebutt. So here goes.
Are your DUMB?
-[wat u wan me to do? just tell me.. btw.. i treat every ppl diff.. i may treat u like this but toanother ppl another way... if u really nt happy.. i nth to say..]-
I'm asking you to treat your friends as FRIENDS. Its not just one incident. Its not just me. I'm not asking you to treat everyone the same, because everyone is biased. But surely, basic friendship behaviour is NOT too much to ask from you. Or is it?
Of course I'm not happy about being treated this way. Who would? I'm not being respected as a friend. As YOUR friend. I may not worship you like royalty, but at least I know not to piss you off unreasonably. So what if you're in a bad mood? Is THAT reason enough to snap at others? Then I can also say I was in a bad mood, that's why I've said all this. Excuses.
-[if u so unhappy of how i have become.. dan that too bad... dun ask me to change... coz if i change i will onli be the perfect person in ur eyes... nt other ppl.. if i change.. i am changing to ur need]-
I'm NOT asking you to change to suit my needs. I'm asking you to change your attitude TOWARDS ME. Because no matter what, we will still be meeting somehow, and I don't see the need for ME to put up with YOUR attitude. Geddit? I don't want you to be perfect in my eyes. That would be way TOO disgusting and anyway, you're never going to achieve perfect status. Even God isn't perfect.
-[and expectation... nt my own expectation of myself... i ask u to change u also dun change.. so dun ask me to change even i change for the worst..]-
You don't have to change just because I asked you to change. I just need you to CONTROL your attitude. How you treat others and offend others is not MY problem. See? I'm being selfish here. So what? I don't appreciate being pissed off everytime I happen to be out with you. *Rolls eyes*
-[ like i gave u lots of advise and feedback.. abt changing u to a beta person? u ever change? no.. ask u dun be so stunborn u change? no... ask u to dun do no brain stuff u listen? no...]-
Stubborness is a trait that is inborn. Try asking QR or SQ not to be so stubborn. Come on. Even you yourself are stubborn. Eh? No brain stuff like what? If you're referring to cutting myself, let me assure you that THAT is HISTORY. You know? The past? Like, 2 years ago? I'm interested to know what other no-brainers you are referring to. =)
-[so dun kao bei me.. for who i am... maybe on that nite i wasn't in a gd mood.. due to the waiting... so i wasn't in the mood to do alot of stuff... i may shoot ppl.. but at least i am saying the fact]-
For the final time I'm not picking on you for who you are. I can understand perfectly well that everyone has flaws. Sometimes the 'facts' have got NOTHING to do with you. If you're that righteous, go be a policeman. Or find a profession that will allow you to MEDDLE with other people's affairs as much as you want. Afterall, that's what you do best: Poke your nose into things which do not need YOUR concern. Ouch? Heh.
-[in a sacarstic way... if u can't take it.. shut me up.. i wun say...]-
God only knows how many times I've tried to shut you up. That's all I have to say.
=========================================================== A few hours later... I blogged all that during LMS lesson. Haha. And of all ironies, we were having a lesson on Anger Management. So the recent "update" is this:
-[oh ya.. just to add on... ever wonder y ppl treat u the way dey r? eva tink of it? all stuff that happened, happen for a reason nt becoz of no brain stuff and it happen.rmb u use to tell me.. reflect wat i did when u r angry? my turn to tell u.. reflect wat u did and y u get this kind of treatment... all happen for a reason.. and time for u to realise that..nt wait for us to tell u..btw.. dun tink u freaking mature.. coz u r nt. if u r.. that wat u tink. i can onli say u grow up.. but nt mature yet to say other ppl childish and u urself a mature gal.noe wat to do and tink wat u do is mature... to many.. that is childish.i wun say i am a mature man.. coz i am nt.. but i am mature enough to tell u that is childish.. i mayb childish wif wat i do.. but u nv noe wat i am tinking.. telling ppl off saying ppl childish and saying u mature?dun happen that way. a person is mature or nt is ppl say de nt u say u r.. andget a life la. use blog to kao bei ppl.. go to that person tell him la. hide behind a blog. yak all the way.. gtg work le bb.. shall read ur tagboard when i get bak]-
Um. I just copied and pasted the whole chunk because I don't have the time.
There are just some main points I'd like to highlight, colour-coded into 3 different colours. Meaning 3 different points lah. Lol.
Purple:I could very clearly tell you what I was unhappy with. I could very honestly state my unhappiness with YOU. Can you please do the same instead of generalising with the word "stuff"? What "stuff"? Drug addicts refer to their "stocks" as "stuff" too you know?
Yellow:Eh... In which part of my entries have I ever said that I'm mature? Please enlighten me, in which SPECIFIC entry have I ever used the word "mature" to describe me. I thank you for repeating my words. I merely said I changed, and yes, I've grown up. Why are you using what I've said to REBUTT me?
You yourself admit that you're childish in your actions, when I didn't even use that word to describe you. Hah. Guilty conscience? Besides, haven't you ever heard of the saying that people JUDGE you based on your ACTIONS? No one is that free to sit down and keep thinking, "I wonder what he is thinking." I repeat. I've NEVER said I was mature. In fact, if you like to know, I'm childish and naive too. In my thinking, in my actions too. That I've never tried to deny.
Pink: Um. Do I really seem to be hiding behind my blog? Well. So sorry. This blog just happens to be the venue where I vent all my frustrations and happiness on. You got a problem with that? I didn't do anything to block anyone from reading. I'm keeping this blog open to EVERYONE. IF I were truly hiding, I wouldn't have specially dedicated the entry to your name. I know TOO well the reactions I'm going to get.
IF you deem THIS as hiding, then how many other bloggers are also hiding, eh? Besides, aren't you also hiding behind MY tagboard to rebutt back at me? Isn't this a case of the pot calling the kettle black?
Freedom of speech comes at a price. And now the right to express your emotions is a crime. So sue me.
I posted my very first LMS blog post today. Can't wait to see Ms Sen's comments. Haha. I revealed quite alot about me, something I've never done to an adult before. I think I went a little out of point though. Haha. Hopefully, its not as thrashy as I think it is.
Oh yea, before you're wondering why I can still happily blog about school stuff, its because I'm not really angry (anymore). The second part of the rebuttal was actually done in a lazy mood. I'm 3 days away from being 17, in the hopes of getting a CLSF scholarship, and I might even have a part time job. I don't have time to remain angry.
I know you guys are probably pissed, thinking I'm childish and stupid and rash and everything lousy for starting this sort of a quarrel. But I'd like to reinstate that my original intention was not to start a quarrel, but rather, to just express my unhappiness about how I'm being treated by someone I consider a friend. If you think that is so very wrong, I give you my sincere apologies.
I can promise that I won't rebutt anymore. Like in my reply to Ben, there's this coverage in BLAW that says that the plaintiff will serve the papers, the defender will well, defend, and then the plaintiff replies and that is it. The rest will be left for the official hearing.
Haha. So in this case I'm supposedly the plaintiff, so I won't be rebutting anymore. Swear on my life. And even though the "defender" is supposed to shut up, I'm guessing that he won't be able to control his mouth (or rather, fingers) so let's just scrap that.
For some reason, I'm feeling really happy today. I don't know why. And oh by the way, I'm getting a manicure over the weekend. Keke. My birthday present from Dear. ^^ And I'm getting a new bag from him too. Haven't chosen the one I want though. Haha.
Okay lah. This entry is getting way too long. I'm off to Maple. Maybe I'll blog again in the mid-morning period, since I'll be staying up to do my BCA assignment. Tata for now~!
.Tuesday, November 06, 2007 ' 2:05 AM Y
Today's entry is directed at BC and QR. For once, I just don't feel like beating about the bush. Why be so pretentious and act as though you're not really talking about that certain someone when in actual fact, the whole world probably knows who you're referring to?
I leave it to you to judge whether I'm being harsh or just blabbering nonsensical crap, but as of now, its my most honest opinion/thought. I have absolutely no intention of starting a quarrel, because I'm not making up stories. If anyone thinks what I'm saying is completely fictional, you're free to rebutt me with the ugliest comments.
I know we've ALL drifted apart over the past 2 years or so, but does that mean that our friendship no longer exists?
Just because I'm no longer the childish girl who will cuddle up to you guys and act cute, does that mean that we can no longer communicate like normal human beings?
Is it because of the fact that we no longer keep in touch so often that you've forgotten how to be a real friend even when we meet up on those few occasions?
I'm talking about attitude, favouritism, un-gentlemanliness, and negligence.
Attitude as in the way you talk. You know, BC, sometimes you really got to keep in check, the way you "communicate" with others. Perhaps you may not realise, but your tone is definitely of the calibre suitable for starting up arguments and fights.
Favouritism, as in can you stop being so overly-protective of QR? (Sorry QR, that I had to mention your name as well. No offense.) I'm positively sure that we all care about her as much as you dom but there is a fine line between caring and being possessive.
She's not a baby. Do you really have to act like she's made of fragile porcelain? She's not going break because of a fall. Do you really think you're a caterpillar spinning a cocoon? Like, sometimes, when its not your place to speak up, it would be very much appreciated if you can just shut up. I'm sure you're well aware of what I'm referring to? If you like, I can give you examples too. =)
Okay, I cancel out "un-gentlemanliness", because after considerable thought, I suppose it can be classified under favouritism as well.
Negligence as in the failure to consider the feelings of your friends, OTHER THAN QR, and in some situations, their needs and wants. Is it moral to shoot your mouth off without bothering to consider the opposite party's feelings? Again, this links back to attitude.
Is it kind to see someone plodding home with a HUGE stack of books and pretend you don't know a shat? You really think people cab because they're CHEAP? Or is it because of the convenience of not having to lug a huge burden home?
What more do you want me to say?
I'm not perfect. In fact, I might have more flaws than most people, be it physically or otherwise. But at least I know how to be a real friend. Even if the friendship is no longer that deep.
I might not be able to be there to support them 24/7, but at least my conscience pricks at me. Does yours do the same?
Do you even have one?
Disclaimer: Feel free to hurl the ugliest gossip about me in between yourselves, either in front of me or behind my back. At least I have been honest with myself, and with you, regarding how I feel. But can you say the same for yourself? If you think I've been a liar, feel free to point out my lies.
I'm so tired. Sometimes high expectations cause unnecessary stress.
Why should trying to maintain a friendship be so tiring? Sure, effort is needed. But does it have to drain you empty of all emotions at the end of the day? Not just him, but everyone else as well.
Does one really have to be so weighed down with guilt just because you weren't free at the right time? I can't predict the future. I can't look into a crystal ball and know that you're going to need me at exactly this day and this time. The saying that "You get what you ask for" is actually quite true sometimes. If you don't ask, who is to know what you really need? If you don't say anything, who can guess what you're really thinking.
I know QR keeps feeling that she's being consumed by darkness right now. I suppose this is a form of depression too? But if don't make the first step to reach out for a helping hand, how would you know how many pairs of hands are waiting to pull you out of the dark well?
Its the same theory as making self-introductions to new people, isn't it? If you don't make the first attempt to introduce yourself, how many people are you going to end up not knowing, because they too, are to shy to introduce themselves?
Ask and we will be there. This, I dare to say for Ben, Van and I. We may not physically be there, but we will always be glad to lend a listening ear. Even if we are there and you choose to remain silent, does it make any much more difference? It is a choice, your choice, whether to shoulder your burden on your own, or enlighten yourself. You have friends. We are your friends. Are we yours?
Will you turn to us?
.Saturday, November 03, 2007 ' 6:25 PM Y
I've been wanting to blog for the past 2 days, but I keep putting it off to do other stuff. Haha. So now that Dear is away playing soccer and I've got nothing better to do, I'm using the time to blog. ^^
I spent 1 whole freaking hour last night tidying up my collection of secondary school practice papers. Will be sending them for photocopying and binding later on. Oh yea. Anyone who still has your secondary school exam practice papers or know where to get them can please help me photocopy one set and pass to me? I will definitely pay up. Collecting all subjects, especially E-maths, English, POA and Science. Thanks in advance. =)
Been feeling quite happy lately. More like... engrossed in my own world. Haha. Mood swings? Maybe.
I'm going to out of job for 1-2 months. =(
Secondary students no need tuition anymore, and primary students are all taking breaks. I guess its time for me to take a break as well. But or some weird reason, my whole body just feels very restless. Maybe because I'm too used to busying myself with work almost everyday, to the point where my body has already been attuned to the rush and the stress. Now, all of a sudden, I have to slow down and take things easy, it just seems a little... weird? Haha. To sum it all up, I'm just not used to not having to work lah. Besides, I really enjoy my job.
I'm considering taking up the Prudential savings plan next year, once I start working again. When my monthly income reaches about $700 or so, then I'll probably take up the plan. Need to find out more details though. Keke.
I'm getting a new handphone soon!! Haha. Just nice. My birthday is coming, and my sister's handphone contract also ends around this time. Keke. Happy happy.
I think the problem with me is that sometimes I tend to be too dramatic. As in, when I'm feeling upset, I just focus on the sadness part. But after that, I sit down and think, and then I realise, EH? Why am I so mad about all that? At the end of the day, who cares? I'm the only one who's getting all worked up over nothing. Its not that big a deal anyway, once I get used to it.
Looking for a shopping partner for the next few weeks. Especially on Thursdays and Fridays when I end school at 1pm. Haha. No money to buy, but can window shop. Haha. Going out for dinner soon. Feel like eating Pastamania...
Recently developed a strong craving for pasta. No idea why. I'm going to look for a book or some other reading material. Later can eat and read. Mmm... My favourite way of enjoying food. Keke. Okay lah. Time to prepare to go out. Looking forward to Kbox next week. Woohoo~! ^^
.Thursday, November 01, 2007 ' 12:46 AM Y
This morning I ended my blog post with a "Blog again soon". How was I to know that I'd be in the mood for blogging again tonight?
I know LMS lesson today taught us about self-awareness. I know Ms Sen lectured us about being positive, about understanding oneself and about some Johari Window and shit. But now all I wanna do is just withdraw back into my shell and just shut everything and everyone around me out.
Its been quite some time since I've had this kind of feeling. Like major depression right?
I'm seriously considering going for counselling. Today during IAC I was very tempted to go up to Ms Quah and ask her whether she'd be my counselor. But I didn't dare to. And she had another class waiting for her anyway. Therefore, I'm going to have to remain this psychotic until the day I pluck up the courage to look for someone who will counsel me. For free. Haha.
Don't know what else to blog about. Just feel very drained all of sudden. I guess all the rushing here and there has gotten to me. And now I have to worry about the next 2 months. My income is at a pathetic $170.
... ... ... ...
I give up.
THE LOVED ONE;
*MaKiNo AyAnO TsUkUsHi -
*born 10th November -
*PrOud LittLe ScOrpioN -
*StuBBorN & quIcK-teMpeRed -
*FoRgivEs bUt NeVeR foRgEts -
*cOntAct hEr at
*a New laPpY
*tRaveLs aRouNd tHe wOrLd
*to LivE in RiChmOnd,B.C