.Monday, April 19, 2010 ' 5:03 PM Y
I think I can finally understand why women choose to remain in abusive relationships. Why they take each beating in stride and still believe that everything is going to be fine. Because sometimes, that belief is probably the only thing that keeps them sane.
Don't misunderstand. Dear treats me wonderful. Its just me. Me and my stupidity.
I just HATE HATE HATE that I can never control my emotions right. When I'm angry and frustrated, I CRY. Yes. I FUCKING CRY. Can you believe that? I mean, ME? Do I look like that kind of helpless and stupid girl? HECK. How could I possibly LOOK helpless?
Sometimes I wish I could be cold and removed and detached. A bitch, in short. Sure people argue that bitches get hated by people. But if you're a bitch you probably already don't care about that fact. And its so much better than caring and caring. Than having to cater to everyone's emotions. Like who is going to cater to mine? I'm laughing and sneering so hard at myself my insides hurt.
But somehow I just can't help myself. Dear tells me I have to stop being so fucking naive about the world. He tells me I've got to change my way of thinking, my character, if I want to make something out of myself. I know. I fucking KNOW. But I don't know just how to do that.
I wish I knew how to stand up for myself instead of letting everyone trample on me and still smile at them. I wish I could learn to say no when people ask me to do favours for them, no matter how big or how small. I wish I could stare *him* down and tell him to call my name and look at me when he talks to me, instead of trying so fucking hard to pretend I don't exist. I wish I knew how to be stern instead of worrying about hurting everyone's feelings. I wish I was made of much stronger stuff than I am now, and I wish I would just stop crying. Each time I do, I hate myself just a bit more. And that hate level in me is already very high as of this very moment.
But if wishes were a dime a dozen, I'd be pretty fucking rich. That's probably why rich people don't tell you "I wish".
And since I've bitched so much today, I might as well just pour everything out.
That day while talking to Vincent on MSN, I tried to console him because he sounded so depressed. Yet all the time I was laughing at the irony. ME. Actually counseling someone when I'm such a huge fucking mess myself? Who am I trying to kid? I'm the LAST person in this world to have the rights to be counseling people.
Over the years, the only person that has kept me going is Dear. Not trying to sound corny or whatever, but sometimes I really wonder. If I hadn't met him, and we hadn't gotten together, where'd I be now? Over those years when I did so many stupid things, no one ever succeeded in trying to pull me back, until Dear came along and I finally listened and stopped. But what if he hadn't come along? Seriously, where'd I be? Its not a very nice thought, but it's been nagging at me for quite some time now, and especially at times when I'm feeling down down down.
And sometimes I think it'd actually have been better if he hadn't come along. Because then I wouldn't have anything or anyone pulling me back.
All that shit about loving myself a little bit more? Just didn't work.
There was even one point of time when I told Dear that maybe I shouldn't bother wasting time and money furthering my studies. Not because I don't have the enthusiasm to study anymore, but because I was really afraid I wouldn't be able to put all the education to good use. I mean, can you really imagine me in a superior position? I can't.
But fine. I've decided I'll continue studying.
I've got no idea whether its stress or just PMS but I've been burying myself in my novels and music lately. In the past month I think I've gone through at least 2 dozen novels. Perhaps more. Its been such a long time since I've thrown myself into such a reading frenzy and this is the longest its ever lasted. I don't know whether its a good or bad thing, but the books have been truly awesome. I love Christina Dodd's new series. All of them. Sure, its all about romance, but there's also mystery and thriller parts. People should stop looking down on girls who read romance just like how gamers don't deserved to be sneered at having such "childish" pasttimes. FYI. Most games out there require you to strategise and utilise your brain cells more than all those so called "adult" pasttimes. And nope, I don't mean porn.
I'd really love to continue bitching but I've got to force myself to start wrapping and sending out the stuff my sister's customers bought or I'll never get to bed. Really can't wait until the 30th to meet up with Xiaohui and company but I hope Yuu doesn't start her "You've got depression" shit again. No offense but unless you've been officially certified and have truly examined me as your patient, you've got no right to "diagnose" me, even if yes, I do feel depressed. BOO.