.Sunday, March 26, 2006 ' 1:42 AM Y
I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this. Haha. For the second time in two nights, I turned to you when I really needed someone and for the second time, my hopes were smashed. I guess I'm the one being crazy here. I suppose I'm asking too much, expecting too much. But why tell me I can turn to you and then push me away when I do exactly that? What makes it even more painful is that you hurt me without even knowing it. Am I just that unimportant to you that you can brush me aside without even thinking about how I feel? I really thought I could rely on you to be there for me. I really tried to tell myself that I could put my faith in you. But can I still do that? Maybe its just my fault. For loving you too deep. So much that I end up hurting myself. But I don't know what to do to stop myself. Even now when my heart's aching like this, I still can't help liking you. I still can't stop myself from loving you. I've really tried to stop myself from expecting anything at all from you. But even between friends, there are certain expectations right? I know by posting this I risk losing you totally but I don't want to keep it inside anymore. But then again, its not as if you will be reading it. And I guess I'm sorry for acting like this.
.Saturday, March 25, 2006 ' 10:08 PM Y
I've read QR's blog. And I'm really glad you're thinking that way. Its really past time that all of us sat down for a heart-to-heart chat. There's been so many misunderstandings. All of us have made mistakes. All of us have erred. No matter how major or minor a role, we've all played a part in causing all this nonsense today. In we, I refer to people directly involved. And I think you know who you are. Lets just talk about me for now. Perhaps its really like the way QR said. I've been so blinded by all that hurt and pain that I simply lashed out at everyone. I didn't care that they tried to explain. I could only see explanations as excuses. But I simply couldn't bring myself to put myself in their shoes, to think for them. Because I didn't want to see reason. Because I didn't want my heart to soften, and then forgive them and give them the chance to hurt me again. I didn't want to leave my heart and soul bare to them again, because then I'd be risking hurt and pain again. And yes Jie, I do accept that I'm at fault too. For causing this whole mess. Like I've said too many times, I've never regretted my actions and I probably never will. But I really do hope that all of us can still be normal friends, instead of harbouring negative feelings towards each other. I don't know if I will ever forgive, but I can be sure I will never forget. I know this sounds petty, but to me, I've never been one to forget things easily, especially not major stuff like this. But I'm willing to take the gamble along with QR. To try and make peace and rebuild the bridge that's been broken between us. I can't promise that this bridge will be made of high quality material, but I can only hope that it will be durable enough for us to cross. Maybe you guys will think that I'm only trying to imitate QR, to follow her. I don't know. Maybe I really am. But I know that I don't want to walk away just like that. I know that I'll never be able to truly let go, to truly forget. Because its been carved too deep into my heart to ever heal completely. There's been many wonderful memories with you guys, and that I really treasure. And there have been gloomy ones too. But that's the thing. If we've been able to work things out for almost three years, why not now? I don't know my next move anymore. I don't know if I'll be able to be persuaded to return to this group or whether I'll just leave forever. I've lost my powers of prediction. I know I'll be following QR wherever she decides to go. Blame me for being weak. Scold me for not having my own opinions. Sue me for being mushy. But to me, I'm really stuck to her. There's no way I can just unglue myself like that. And I'm not sure if I even want to. Maybe I should hate myself for being like this. But I'm scared of losing her, more than I'm scared of losing you guys. And I'm tired of making decisions for myself. Because I always seem to be making wrong decisions. I rather leave her to decide for me. Jie... Sorry if I'm being a burden to you, but let me lean on you for awhile can? Because I really don't know who to turn to anymore. You've always been the stronger of us two. But don't worry. I know you have your weak moments too. So I'll be here for you if you need me too. Haha. Sounds so corny. But who cares. At least I know that I'm speaking from the bottom of my heart. Lastly... for SQ, my dearest Gor. I've never thought of detaching myself from you. Because I know I cannot. I'm sorry if I haven't been contacting you, but that doesn't mean that I don't think of you. Maybe I needed a wake-up call to tell me I've been neglecting you. But please don't leave. I'm not trying to pull you back into this group. I'm trying to tie you down to me. Yea, I know. Yucks. There I go sounded so mushy again. But please allow me to be selfish once more. To keep you by my side. I know we've drifted apart alot. I know I've also taken you for granted. But I can't apologise. Because we've both made the same mistakes. But I'm not blaming you either. Because we both have our faults. Today when I saw you at soccer, I finally realised how much I've missed you. I'm not lying. When you just arrived and I greeted you and you didn't look at me, it was really O-U-C-H. Because this is the first time you've ever ignored me like that. And even after that when you were resting and I tried to talk to you, I could still sense some sort of barrier between us. Just like you said to me when I wanted to leave: please keep in contact. I know its hard for you to contact me, but at least don't give me the cold shoulder can? Sorry again.
.Friday, March 24, 2006 ' 11:37 PM Y
Everyone's feeling stressed out. I seriously don't know what to say or do anymore. All I can suggest is that we meet out one day and sit down to discuss this. All I can firmly reinstate now is that I will NOT come back to this group. I am not going to allow myself to be hurt by the same kind of things thrice. And I can bet that history will always repeat itself. I know QR may not like the idea of meeting out. Yes I can sense it. But that's the only solution I can think of. It may be selfish of me. But this is an important year to me. I really want to focus all I have on my O Levels, no matter how much I seem not to care. I don't want to have to bothered by such stuff anymore. To SQ... I've read your blog. Yes. That so-called hidden one. I don't know how to stop you and I don't think I have that right anymore. If you really think that by walking away just like that, you can find true happiness, so be it. I won't stop you anymore. I apologise for pulling you back into the group the other time. I caused you more hurt than anything else. To me you will always be the closest gor I've ever had. And like you said. Please keep in contact. To QR... I don't know whether I'm thinking too much. But my sixth sense tells me that you're really afraid that I will be weak and return to the group, dumping you again. I can only hope that you will trust me when I promise that I will be by your side forever. The bond between us is not something that I can or will ever break. To the rest... Maybe we can remain normal friends? I don't know. Towards Gray, ZH, BC and SK... I also don't know what to say. Lolx... I sound like some idiot. I don't know this I don't know that. I'm not confused, just that I don't know what my heart feels anymore. Its like so many emotions mixed up in there that its no longer able to differentiate them all. To Van. I think that the email you sent to me should also have been sent to QR. Maybe you think its useless. And yes, is it useless in a way that its not going to convince us to return to the group. All I can argue is that, since you yourself also can say that you really need alot alot alot of attention, then why bother asking me and QR back? I must say that I feel happier now. A lot more free than last time. Because I don't have to worry about being left out by anyone. Because I know that QR, Ben and ZH won't do that to me. My only regret is that I've almost totally stopped contact with SQ. But seriously, I don't know what to do. One is my jie, one is my gor. Tell me what to do please? I'm not blaming them or anything. Maybe I just don't know how to juggle both of them. End up I'm neglecting SQ. I'm really sorry. I don't want to continue with this entry anymore. Pointless. I think I've ended up making everything even more complicated. What the heck.
.Friday, March 17, 2006 ' 11:34 PM Y
I guess this time its really over. I'm out, QR's out, WE're out. Of this bloody and cold group. Consisting of people who don't and never have really cared. Of course, I'm only referring to some, not all of them. It has been really tiring how I've always had to be the one taking initiatives, the one to be there for people to lean, to let other expect loads from me. And all I get back in the end is just heartache. Yesterday was really the final straw I guess. I just couldn't sit there at the concert and tell myself that everything was going to be alright when it was just the exact opposite. I simply couldn't put on my "I'm-so-strong" facade anymore. I need a rest. And I've walked away. Into eternal peace. I don't regret walking away just like that. And I don't think I ever will. Its the first time in 15 years and 4 months of my life that I've ever cried right from the start of the concert. And I couldn't even do anything to stop the tears. They just kept falling. I can't believe I've actually been stupid enough to think that I could put my trust, my faith in those people. Within less than 24 hours, they could actually prove me wrong without a single word. My goodness. I must have been possessed or something. I can only extend my apologies to ZX and SK. The rest... I guess I owe a big thank you to Ben for just being there. It really made a huge difference to me. Other than that. Sorry nope. No apologies, no words, no nothing. Sorry if you guys think I'm being bitchy. I don't care. I guess its really time for me to find myself all over again. I can't always be your puppet, your toy. Something for you to cuddle up with when you need me and then throw me aside when you don't. To SQ: If you want me to be fully yours, then yes I will indeed expect the same treatment of me from you. I won't allow you to cast me aside after you decide that you don't need me anymore. To Grayson: Please don't tell me that you care when you don't. I believe that actions speak louder than words. Perhaps you need to start acting like you care. But I believe its a little too late to start now, don't you think? To Van: I'm tired of fighting. You haven't won a thing; I've only just decided to retreat because I can't be bothered to fight you back. To all of you out there: Please don't think that just because I don't show my weak side in front of you, I'm forever that strong. I'm only human too. Please bear that in mind. Van isn't the only one who will cry, although she may be the only one who's weak enough to cry in front of you. That much for acting strong. Woots man... You need acting lessons. And NOPE. Don't try to go all teary on me. It doesn't work on me. 'Cause I'm NOT a guy for heavens' sake. I don't care if I've written ugly words here today. I won't regret. Its finally time for me to release myself totally. To let go of what I've been hanging on so tightly to for nearly three years. To give myself a chance to live as myself. I read QR's latest entry. Wow. My confidante. My twin sister. Woots. Someone who understands. Well Jie, I've finally crossed over to your world. But don't bother questioning them. You should know by now that the only answers they're ever going to give will be defensive ones. I'll give you some examples:1. It wasn't my fault. You can't expect me to stand there, watch her cry and do nothing right? If the one crying was you, I'd be concerned too. ( Yea right... Get a life.)2. I'm really sorry I didn't notice. I guess we were having so much fun I just didn't notice. (Well carry on having fun. I shan't intrude any longer.)3. Crap. You're thinking way too much again. It isn't the way you think it is... (Oh really? And how would you know which way I'm thinking?)4. Nah. You're just jealous. (So sue me. Which G-I-R-L doesn't need love, care and attention? Its just the way one goes about getting it. Even robots need maintainence okays?)Pardon me if I've made any unaccurate predictions. I'm only assuming based on what you guys show us. The impressions you give me. I'm just going to let myself be a total bitch for today. Sue me if you must, but get a good lawyer. 'Cause this will be one fight I'm willing to go all out for. To ZX and SK... I'm taking a huge risk in putting whatever I have left of my heart with you. I really hope you can treasure and protect it well. I don't think it can undergo anymore damages. If you think you can't... please let me know beforehand, thank you. So that I won't be taking stupid risks. I've truly understood the meaning of the word "disappointment" yesterday. I don't need another lesson on that. To BC... I guess you haven't actually offended me. Yet. But people normally hold the parents responsible for what their children do. Not that I'm saying you're in the wrong. But maybe next time, learn to source for details for pointing fingers at anyone. That goes for SQ as well. You can say that its irresponsible of me to pull you back into the group and then leave. But I should let you that firstly, I did not pull you back to let you cast me aside like that.To watch you care and shower attentions on another while forgetting about me. Exactly what YOU didn't want me to do. I wanted you back in the group because I needed you to be there for me, because I felt that you were the only one that truly cared. But I was wrong. You merely showed me that you treated me like your tissue. To wipe away your tears and unhappiness. Then throw me into the bin. Perhaps the old me could have tolerated that. But now I can't. You say you're tired. What about me? You're right. Its really time I let go. And I'm not the one who's "not wanting" you right now. Its the other way round. So stop trying to blame me. I won't accept that. Last thing before I end off. I walked out of that place yesterday without any intentions of turning back. It also means that I'm leaving the group for good. I won't sit there and watch you all flirting, playing and laughing with Van as though I'm your backdrop again. Its like watching the lousiest movie ever produced in modern day history. I won't allow you guys to hurt me like that again. If, and I really mean IF, you guys want to pull us back, go sit there for a few hours and think of some really good reasons. We're not gonna settle for lousy excuses again. And try to add in a little bit more sincerity. It might work. I'm not saying it will definitely work. Or maybe you guys are happier with us gone. To each his own then.
.Wednesday, March 15, 2006 ' 11:20 PM Y
I had a breakdown last night. I don't know what got into me. I just couldn't help it anymore. It was as though someone or something had finally pushed me over the brink. I can only remember being slapped and slapping myself. Sounds sick huh? There was blood. Its was as though I was under a spell. I sat there for almost 2 hours. I listened. I tried to explain myself. But they couldn't understand. And I finally realised. They would never understand. I'm so sick of trying to explain now. I hate myself for breaking down. Why couldn't I have just let it go? Why did I have to burst out like that? Why? Now my face has an obvious bruise and I have to hide it with my hair. I still can't forgive myself. And I never will. For bursting out like that. Now I've really died. I don't think I'll ever let anything get to me again. Its as though I can't feel a thing anymore. I've simply given up everything. So now all you can see of me will just be my walking corpse. Cool huh? Its not everyday that you see a walking zombie on the streets. Even when I hear all the details of them having so much fun outside, I don't feel much. Except maybe a tinge of some unexplainable emotion. It used to hurt so much, but now I'm like, numb. Do I sound like QR? I think so. But I can't get myself out. Its like I've sunk so deep into the darkness that I can't find my way out. I know it sounds just so dramatic. I'm on the phone with QR now and I'm laughing. But I know my heart feels empty. We're takling serious talk and yes, what I'm telling her is from the bottom of my heart, but it still feels empty. Even ZX can't hurt me now. Lol. Because I guess what he said is true. It doesn't really matter whether I'm around or not. I myself don't feel the difference. Haha. My mind's running around in circles again. Just one last thing. I don't really mind about what goes on anymore. Even if one day I'm out of the group, I don't I'll feel anything much. It may take time, but I'll just get used to it. And I know who I can rely on. I think.
.Sunday, March 12, 2006 ' 9:48 PM Y
1. Thou shalt not cry in a crowded shopping mall.2. Thou shalt not look at tall buildings and start developing funny ideas.3. Thou shalt learn to erase all flicker of emotions from your face, especially in front of certain people.4. Thou shalt learn to depend solely on yourself5. Thou shalt learn to stop pining for what thou can't have.
.Saturday, March 11, 2006 ' 11:35 PM Y
How come it just seems harder for everyone to be happy? Like, so many problems have cropped up everywhere. Even at home. I mean, sure I did ask for some of them. But... oh I don't know. My thoughts haven't been organised since god knows how long. Maybe god doesn't even know. I'm kind of losing faith in everything and everyone. I'm losing faith even in myself. I admit that yes, I am tired. But I really need someone for me to hold on. Someone to pull me back, to tell me that everything's going to be alright. So please don't walk away from me right now. Because I may just collapse. My blog entries are getting shorter and shorter. 'Cause I simply don't know what to say. There's so many things going on, so many thoughts whirling around in my brain right now, but I simply don't know how to put them into words. Or maybe I just don't want to. I don't think I'm numb, more like I'm afraid of people misunderstanding what I say. I've really tried not to think too much, to be what I want and to just go ahead and say what I feel. But I just can't do it. I know I've promised many times, not to cut myself. And I've broken that promise many times too. But I really can't stop myself. Its the only way for me to stop my tears. To feel what pain actually is like, so my heart and brain can just shut up. Its as though there's this huge fist clamping on my heart making it so difficlt for me to breathe. I guess seeing the wounds on my wrist makes it easier for me to relax myself. So that my mind can actually focus on something else and not think about the tightness in my heart. I'm really appreciative of the care and concern you guys have given me, and its not a plea for attention. So please don't misunderstand. Its just another form of release. Just like you guys choose to hit the wall or something. I simply choose another form of release. And I really don't look upon it as self-abuse because I don't feel that I'm taking out my anger on myself. I don't even feel angry. My emotions have become so mixed up that I don't really know what I'm actually feeling. All I know is that I've been crying a lot lately. I don't even know where I manage to find so many tears. Imagine listening to a song and the tears simply start falling. That's how weak I am. Isn't it ironical? That I try to appear so strong, as though nothing can get to me, but the tiniest things can start my emotions roller-coasting around. I'm not asking you guys to stop caring about me. In fact, I'm asking for the direct opposite. I know you guys are really tired of asking me to stop cutting myself. I know that by doing so, I'm hurting a lot of people. But I can't stop. Its just like when you're really starving and there's this plate of food in front of you. Even if you know that its past its expiry date you'll still rush for it right? And Jie, I've never taken you for granted. I can't explain here so you'll just have to wait until i return the book to you. My brain's feeling empty again so I guess I'll just stop here for now. I'm not asking for anyone to understand what I've written. Maybe I blogged just so you guys can't say that I didn't update. =P
.Saturday, March 04, 2006 ' 10:31 PM Y
Don't know what to do anymore. Everything seems so bleak. Death looks like the best thing that could ever happen to me. And no. Please don't think that I'm trying to gain sympathy or anything again. I'm really tired. I don't know what to do. I want to understand you, but you're shutting me out. Tell me what I should do. And no. Please don't get upset or offended by this post. Its the shortest ever. Because I don't know what to say anymore.