.Wednesday, February 27, 2013 ' 1:05 AM Y
I really can't stand it anymore. When he goes out drinking, he has zero problem staying awake till the ungodly hours. But whenever he meets me, he is always sleep-deprived. Thanks for showing me how much I mean to him. I'm like his sleeping pill. As soon as he meets me he wants to sleep. I am so flattered. Not.
I really have no idea how much more I can take. What am I hanging on to? I really don't know. Every time I flare up and speak out, I am deemed to be unreasonable, petty and childish. So am I supposed to keep silent and just let myself be treated so unfairly? Without trying to seek the fairness that I deserve?
I don't know why he cannot see for himself how much he has changed, and I am sick of being the one to point out to him because he is too stubborn to listen. All he can see and hear is me throwing childish and pointless tantrums. There has to be a limit somewhere.
Do I still love him? I don't even know anymore. Because he is no longer the same person and I am having a very hard time accepting who he is now. How do I love such a person? I don't know. He doesn't ill treat me, but he doesn't understand how he is neglecting me and nothing I say can make him understand. What more can I do???!!
I suppose this is a test to me. To teach myself to let go a little bit more every single day, until the day comes where I can stop feeling so worked up and angry about his indifference. There will come a day when I totally don't feel a thing anymore, and that is when I will know that this relationship doesn't matter anymore.
.Tuesday, February 26, 2013 ' 2:38 PM Y
Slowly trying to learn to get used to life without him. No, we haven't broken up, but it is a fact that he does not have as much time for as before, and it is fact that I've got to learn to accept that, no matter how reluctant I am.
First day back from Taiwan was hectic. Work piled up, and I stayed till really late to clear what I had to. Even though I was so tired, even though I really wanted to meet him, I couldn't. I thought perhaps he would be home earlier so we could at least chat awhile on the phone, but again, I thought too much.
I know better now. That instead of being the one the take the initiative and banging into walls over and over again, I shall wait for him to take the first step. I'm officially retreating into my world and if he wants to pull me back out, let him be the one to hold out his hand. I'm really sick of trying to make time for him, only for him to tell me that he isn't free. I'm sick of having to push away my own schedules to accommodate his all the time.
And I realised that, for the first time in many years, I'm really hesitant about the direction of our relationship. I no longer dare to think about a future that looks so uncertain. My 4th aunt's son is getting married this weekend and we're invited to the dinner. Somewhere along the conversation, our wedding was mentioned. I didn't dare say a word.
If you'd asked me months before, I would have told you with the utmost conviction that our wedding date was set. Now if you ask me the same question, I won't know how to answer anymore. The initial plan was to solemnise this coming September. But all along it was only wishful thinking on my part. He never said a word, never popped the question (even with less than 6 months to go), never even thought about buying the rings. Perhaps he took it for granted that I'd do all the planning, perhaps he thought he didn't need to do anything. I ignored all these right to the point during the quarrel when I knew I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Even if he cannot be the romantic kind of boyfriend, even if he cannot be caring enough to sense my needs, he shouldn't be getting away without at least a formal proposal.
I'm really laughing bitterly at myself now. I remember we used to look at some other couples and think that perhaps they wouldn't last long. I know that's a really bad thing to do, but back then I was so over-confident in our relationship, and over-confidence made me arrogant. Well, I'm definitely stuffed to the brim with humble pie now.
Back then I always dreamed about how our future home would be like, how we would be so happy together. Now I honestly do not dare to think beyond the next week. Because I am re-walking this relationship one step at a time and re-adjusting my tolerance limit along the way. I know I promised to give him a chance to strike a balance between spending time with me and with his kakis, but I am firm in the belief that I should always have priority. And if he cannot give me this priority, then perhaps, painful as the decision will be, we should be going our separate ways. I honestly cannot live a future where I am always alone in bed wondering whether my husband will be home this night.
He has really changed a lot. From the time where he truly hated having to go drinking and socialising with them, from when I had to be the one to push him to go out and relax a little, to the point now where he is already totally addicted to drinking and having fun with them, where he cannot resist the temptation to go whenever they ask him along. Which is nearly every single day. Somewhere along this transition I was already slowly losing him. Perhaps I realised too late.
I really don't know if this chance will amount to anything; whether things can really get better. I don't know if I can get past my own pride and stubbornness to forget and forgive, but I know this is going to cast a shadow between us for the longest time. If ever the time comes for me to decide to let go, will I be strong enough to make that decision?
Please just kill me now.
.Tuesday, February 19, 2013 ' 4:44 PM Y
Flying off tonight. Everything still feels a little surreal actually. This is the first time in my entire 22 years of existence that I will be stepping out of Singapore alone; its a heady mix of excitement and nervousness.
And this is really the last time I will be so reckless, because I know full well that this sudden trip has put strain on our already-floundering finances. And when I come back in to the office on 25th, I'm going to have a lot of shit to clear. Just the thought of it makes me not feel like going for the trip.
I supposed things are considered smoothed-out between us now. His promises to cut back on the drinking and to maintain his distance with her mollified me somewhat, but I'm still reserved on those promises until I really see a real change. I honestly hope that he can understand where I'm coming from; that he is compromising because he knows what I'm unhappy about, and not just for the sake of it. I really hope things can get better.
Sometimes I still feel awkward around him, because I know that there is still a part of me unwilling to let go of the unhappiness, but I'm trying. Let's hope this trip can clear my head and clear my heart. I know that I do still love him and I know that this is not the end of the relationship yet, because ultimately, we both cannot find it within us to let go.
I will be bringing work with me for this 5 day trip, so that I won't have as much to do when I'm back, and so that I will have something to occupy my lonely nights. And I will still keep on updating this blog because I've realised that no matter how much I've moved on with life over the years, that flair and passion for writing is still there, somewhere. So even if I can't update on a regular basis, even if there are no readers, I will still be back occasionally, whenever I need to write about stuff that I can't easily share for the world to see on Facebook.
.Monday, February 18, 2013 ' 2:55 AM Y
Sometimes a moment of recklessness can have its consequences.
Its been 3 days since our huge fight, and all that's left now is my pride. I know that if only I am humble enough to put down my pride and let go of my already-cooled anger, we can still work things out. But the stubborn-headedness in me is still waiting for him to open his mouth to apologise and ask me to go back to him. Words that I probably would never hear even till the day I die. So the dilemma is, do I want my pride or do I want back my relationship? So many years of memories entwined together; I know I can't let it go.
I'm actually very surprised to realise that I'm very nervous about this solo trip. Although I made my itinerary simple, although I always thought it would be something I would want to do someday, I guess right now I'm not ready yet. Butterflies in my stomach fluttering around. I hope I don't hyperventilate during the flight. Just kidding.
But I miss him. I miss him so much I'm starting to berate myself for quarreling. Would things not have come to this if not for my own insecurities? Was it my fault? But I'm selfish. My boyfriend, my hubby. He should be MINE. Why should I share with other girls?
Gosh, I'm so confused now. I can hardly remember the cause of our fight. All the details of our arguments have blended such that I cannot differentiate one from the other.Why did we come to this? Were we both too stubborn?
If we make up, how do we move on from this? How am I going to remove that block from heart to truly give him another chance without being paranoid?
I really don't know what to do now, but I really hope that we can be together. That there will be a proper future for us together. I truly wish I hadn't been that reckless but there is no turning back now. I will go for the trip and use the time and to sort out my thoughts. To try and persuade my pride to subside.
Its the annual Lantern Festival now in Taiwan, and also coincidentally, the cherry blossoms period. This will be my first time going for the festival and also my first time seeing cherry blossoms in full bloom. I always knew I'd be doing these things someday, but I just never imagined that I'd be doing it alone. I wish for him to be by my side, but I don't think that is going be possible.
To my two good sisters, I'd like to thank them for being by my side through this all. For their quick understanding and their encouragements. For giving me advice and for providing a listening ear. Right now I'm nothing but a vulnerable wreck. I know that at the end of the day, all my pride and strong facade will not stop me from crawling back to him to be that "small woman" at his side, but thanks for allowing me to pretend, even for just a few days, that I am strong enough to live without him.
And now it is only a matter of time. Please let it not be too late.
.Friday, February 15, 2013 ' 9:21 PM Y
After so many months of not blogging (and even when I did, entries were sparse and short), it's really ironic that ultimately, my blog has come the only platform for me to express myself without shouting out to the whole world. What I want is just to write out my thoughts and feelings, not for the whole world to judge me.
Yes, I'm feeling upset again. No idea why, but whenever I feel down, I just can't find it in me to confide in the besties. No, its not that I don't trust them. I love them more than my own sister, but that chunk of pride in me cannot face anyone looking at me with sympathy, no matter who it is. I'm sorry for that fact, because it just makes all the bad feelings well up inside of me with no place to be released. And that is why I write. Because writing is how I express myself best, and thinking and writing out the words in my brain feels like a release of some sort. And therefore here I am.
Somehow the guy I always thought I'd be marrying, is changing into someone I can hardly recognise anymore. I'm not going to go into details, because it would take days and nights to get it all organised and sorted into readable content, but this time round, I really feel like we're at a total impasse. Its exactly like what happened with M back then, but of course, he'd never agree or admit to this reference.
The past few days have been rounds after rounds of argument. Me trying to get him to understand where I come from, him trying to get me to understand and accept his actions. But its really difficult for me, and at this point I really don't know what to do. I brought up the idea of a break-up because I honestly felt that it is impossible for us to reach a compromise; because at the end of the day after so many rounds of arguing back and forth, he is still unable to give me what I want, and I am too proud to be the meek and unquestioning girlfriend. I'm now playing the ostrich game and retreating into my own shell. If I don't peek out, I can pretend that nothing is going on.
I'm hurt, real hurt, and I need to lick my wounds.
The last time this happened, my paternal grandmother passed away at the same time, and amidst the grief and the funeral preparations, I was distracted from feeling the hurt and anger of our quarrels. This time round, there weren't any distractions and I had to create my own.
It had always been a dream for me to do a solo trip to Taiwan (God knows I LOVE that place and could never tire of it), but in a relationship, its almost impossible to travel solo. Somehow I always knew that if I ever got hurt, it'd also be the place for me to go to. I daydreamed about it many times, imagining all sorts of bleak scenarios in my overactive mind. People always say, be careful what you wish for. Its really true.
In a fit of impulsiveness, I booked my ticket for 5 days from now. My first solo trip ever. And yes, its a successful enough distraction because all the planning and research in the middle of my busy work schedule (its closing period!) will be taking up all my time and stop my mind from churning out more negative thoughts.
I haven't mentioned a single word to anyone, nor can I boast about it on Facebook, because this is top secret. MY secret. I'll probably have to lie about some company trip thingy to my parents though. Oops. I know I'm being wilful and reckless but at that point of time when I bought the ticket, I really felt that I had to escape somewhere. I did kind of feel a little crazed out afterward, but the deed's already done and I can't turn back now.
I'll be back on the 24th (yes, 5 days all by myself on foreign soil, but I'll be fine) and let's hope that we'll both be feeling ready to face each other by then. I know I probably sound really crazy but hey, life is short! Let me be this crazy, this reckless, just this once. Maybe I need to get it out my system. Maybe this will help me let go of the little things that don't really matter. Maybe.
Trying to condition a lot of soothing articles into my system to calm my mind. To be honest, I'm also confused to the point that I don't know what I want. But I know the biggest factor holding my anger in place is my pride, but it is also this anger, this fire that is holding my emotions in check. Once the fire dies, so does my heart. The term "heavy heart" cannot apply to me because I cannot even feel my heart. Its not responding to my brain.
I really hope all this will come to pass, even though I don't have a single idea how its going to work out. But I believe everything in life is more or less fated. No matter what happens, it was probably written into our fates long ago. I am preparing myself for the worst, because I don't want to go through the same roller-coaster drop another time.
Last thing I would like to add is that I realised my mentality has really improved a lot, compared to a few years ago. Back then I'd probably be doing really silly things like cutting myself and downing pills, but this time, even though the thoughts did come back to haunt me, I have a stronger subconscious telling me that no, I have a lot more to live for, a lot more to treasure and I have to stay strong. I hope there comes a day when I can really learn the meaning of treasuring my own life, and that such negative thoughts don't enter my mind again.
P.S. Just received a call from his mom. God, I never expected that it would HIS mother giving me words of comfort. And even though I had to stay strong and reassure her, the tears I thought had already dried up came back again. Yes auntie, I will try to put up with him. I sincerely hope too, that we can get through this, but I have my pride too, and if he feels that he would rather spend his time with others instead of me, how could I ever accept that? But thank you for that call, it really meant the world to me.