.Tuesday, January 31, 2006 ' 4:12 PM Y
What a new year. Everything's been going downhill right from the start. Nothing's been right. Sometimes I really wonder. Is it just so hard for all of us to be happy? Everyone's slowly turning sad, if not depressed. Its as though someone or something has cast a spell over all of us, taking away our past happiness replacing it with a layer of depressing gloom. Everything has become so vague. Our facial expressions do not match our heartfelt emotions. Emotions that we do not dare to express, afraid of making everyone else unhappy. And somehow I feel guilty about it. Perhaps its time I really forgot everything and tried to be truly happy. To put own all my depressed thoughts and stop being so easily affected. Perhaps its time I stopped my heart from thinking and feeling too much. But it just seems so hard. I mean, if I really let myself go and turn into some happy-go-lucky, carefree girl then people might say that I was some insensitive little bitch. That's not what I want to be... But if I try to be sensitive to everyone's thoughts and feelings then I end up getting myself worried and depressed too. Is it really possible to achieve both wants? To be happy-go-lucky and sensitive to others at the same time? Perhaps I should give it a shot. But then what if I fail? What if I end up making everyone else even more upset? I've got so many doubts, but I'm sorely tempted to jsut give everything I've got and just try it out. The thing is, can I really do it? Me. The most depressed and crazy one in the group. Can I really do a 360 degree in such a short time? Sighs... I really dont't know. All I know is that I really want everyone to be truly happy. To really know once more, what happiness feels like. To be comfortable about expressing our thoughts and emotions, no matter how extremely positive or negative. Its what I really want. Even if that means I have to be the rubbish bin for them to dump their unhappiness into, at least I'll be happy to see them all smile.
.Tuesday, January 24, 2006 ' 3:15 PM Y
What's wrong with the new year? So many things aren't going smoothly and everyone's running into problems of some kind. Take me for example. I've been trapped in my own misery so long that I failed to consider the feelings of others. Man... I'm back at this bad point of mine again and I'm really sorry. To Qr, my one and only Jie, I really don't know what I can do to help you. I'm sorry that I've also played a part in causing your hurt, that I haven't really noticed until you actually blogged it out. I've preached of listening with the heart, but I haven't done anything about it. I don't know what to say or do to lessen the pain, but I'll always be here as a listening ear or a crying shoulder should you need me. And you don't have to try and be the perfect girlfriend or the perfect best friend. You just have to be yourself. That's what we all want. You once asked why I just couldn't open up to you. Perhaps its just that I don't want to burden you, perhaps its just that I don't know how to open my mouth, perhaps it is for these same reasons that you are keeping all your unhappiness to yourself. We once promised each other to be completely open and honest about our feelings, and we've both broken our promise. At least, I know I have. I don't dare to say the same for you, but that's jsut how I feel. Along our journey, we've both met with accidents. Along the road, our communication system has once again met with problems. Hopefully everything's not too late. Hopefully, we can repair part, if not all of it. My dear sis, I'm not saying that you have to turn to me all the time, because its not something you're obliged to you. But I just hope for you to talk to someone, a real huamn being. No matter how ridiculous or stupid a thing it may be, at least share. Its called the spirit of sharing wonderful stuff and distributing the lousy parts. I can't promise that I'll be able to do the same as I've preached but I'm willing to try. To find the door of my little world and unlock it. To learn to open up and let the light flow in. I just hope we can learn together.
.Monday, January 16, 2006 ' 1:12 PM Y
Which is more important? If I'd listen to my family, I probably wouldn't be sitting in front of the computer and blogging right now. If I'd listened to my parents, I would probably be dead right now. I woke up this morning feeling as though death would really take me away from everything. I had the pills, the bottle of water, and the shard of glass all by my side. I was just that ready to die. Throughtout the whole morning, that was the only thing I could think. The images, the feeling. Of just dying, of just letting go. It suddenly made me feel lighthearted. For that moment, I really believed that death was the only possible solution. The only way out. I don't know what diverted my attention, but I suddenly started thinking about my friends, my life, my future. Pardon my vanity here, but I've just bought a new dress and I don't want to die without having the chance to actually wear it yet. Sure, I've thought dying in it, but I simply can't bear for it to be stained. By blood or anything else. Well then, for the whole day I was indecisive. I was really strongly tempted to just end it all. It seemed so easy. All I had to do was swallow a couple of pills alongside some water, and slash my wrist with that little piece of glass and I would have the chance to find my release. But something stopped me. I don't know what that something was, but I decided that I really didn't want to die. I still don't know whether I made the right decision, but I'm willing to put it off for now. As a matter of fact, the pills are still in my drawer. I apologise. I don't have any sleeping pills at home so I pilfered what I could from the stock of medicine. I'm telling myself now, that I've only got 10 more months to freedom. I hope I can gather enough strength to last me through this period of time. I'm truly ashamed that I have such a family. With members who do not understand me. I'm sorry towards my friends because they sometimes have to bear their wrath. I can only hope that they understand that this is not what I want. I am sorry to have to declare that from now on, my life will not include my family. That I am officially without parents and siblings. It may seem cruel or unfilial of me, but it is the only way to stop me from becoming insane. From this second onwards, my heart has no place for them.
.Friday, January 13, 2006 ' 5:00 PM Y
I just realised that the last time I blogged was the last day of last year. Well, school's started and everything's alright so far. My soul is still wandering but at least I'm able to forget my troubles more easily. Like I've said before, I really don't understand the cause of all my unhappiness. I'm still trying to find the main reason. But I just would like to apologise for my extreme behaviour last year. I know that I hurt many of my friends by shutting off from everyone but it was really just that I didn't know how to open out to anyone. Besides, I just couldn't bring myself to do it, not when everyone seemed so happy; I didn't want to act like a wet blanket. I'm still confused now, even though the pain has lessened. But I still see myself sticking out like a sore thumb, intruding where I'm not wanted. I know that I may be thinking too much again, but its actually part of what I am and have been feeling for the past few weeks. I mean, not that I'm crying for attention or anything, its just that I couldn't find my place, my footing anywhere. I simply lost my sense of belonging.
I can't say that I've truly recovered from my wounds, but at least I've started the healing process. I can't guarantee that I'll be able to open up completely but I'll try. I've learnt to accept things that aren't meant to be, or maybe I've just stopped caring. I know now that clinging on too tightly onto a piece of broken rope will only make my fall more painful. With each piece of understanding dawning on me, my heart dies a little. I'm still in the midst of reviving it, so please give me more time. What I'm displaying right now may not be the real me, so please do not judge me badly should I falter.
Last of all. To Qiu Rui, I give you my word that no matter what I will always still be here, not just an empty shell, but as a friend, a sister, and a listening ear whenever you need me. And I trust that it will be the same from you. But please also understand that, by not opening up to you, it isn't that I don't trust you. Its just the simple fact that I don't know how to. I'm learning. Give me time. In the midst, please do not read my little actions as rejection towards you; please do not feel hurt. I never meant to hurt you, or anyone else for that matter. I'm sorry.
.Sunday, January 01, 2006 ' 4:03 PM Y
So many things have happened since I last blogged. Just when I thought things were taking a turn for the better, everything had to go haywire. I suddenly don't know how to express myself again. My mind has become a total blank again. Man... I'm losing it again... Why do I feel that I'm losing everyone and everything around me? Why has her appearance taken everything away from me? My heart is only half-beating now. Suddenly I really hate her a lot. She's really taking away everything and everyone from us. I feel unsure of myself now. I don't know what is going on, but I still want to say thank you to those who have been there for me right from the start. There have been people who broke away just when I needed them most, and there were those who never were there at all. And now I finally realise who have been here with me all this while. I finally understand that some things were never meant to be mine. No one really understands me right now. I cut myself again. A deep wound to match the one on my heart. I've been stabbed so many times now that I've become numb. By those whom I trusted so much, by whom I thought were the closest to me. I feel so betrayed, but no one really knows. I can't even begin to describe how I feel now. My release has yet to come. Oh god... I'm delirious. I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm really going insane. I don't trust in anything anymore. What's the use? Promises made are easily broken. Words given are easily taken back. Is there anything more in this world worth sacrificing for? Can I ever learn to trust again? By the way. Happy New Year to all those reading my blog.