.Wednesday, April 05, 2006 ' 12:05 AM Y
Somehow I ended up trapped in the deep blue sea. I can't swim. And the water's so cold its unbearable. I'm so tired even though I continue to hang on. To that one piece of drifting wood. Telling myself everything's going to be alright. But hours have passed and I'm still hanging on...Haha... Somehow that didn't really turn out right... Lets see... Actually wanted to just post a simple entry about today's events, but I just finished reading QR's blog. And there's so many things to say that I don't know where to start. I'll try, but don't blame me if I end up making things worse, afterall, that's all I seem to be able to do. Here goes...Yea, maybe I'm really running away. That much I admit. I don't even know what I'm running away from actually. I just know that I'm afraid of asking questions. Because I'm scared of the answers I may get. And more importantly, I'm scared of being laughed at. Yea hell. Doesn't that sound like a pathetic excuse? Okay nevermind, lets carry on. Please don't make untrue assumptions, especially when you're hurting. Sorry to be harsh. I'd just like to clarify that it isn't because I trust BC that much that I choose to turn to him whenever something crops up. But its just that purely coincidental that he happens to be there when I find out that there is something going on. And he happens to be the only one who's willing enough to give me details. Point number 1: Don't ask me who I trust. Because right now I can't give you any answers. I don't dare to put my trust in anyone now. Yes. Not even SK, not even you. I know it sounds crazy, but could somebody please define the word 'trust' for me? Because at this moment, the only definition as I see it is: Allowing others the chance of hurting you once again. Okay that aside. Another excuse yea? Point number 2. I don't know why either. Why I can't just ask you in person. Maybe because everytime I try to anticipate your reactions, and I always end up conjuring something negative. And even when I try to turn to Ben, he clamps up like its something so sacred. So naturally I tell myself; since I'm not supposed to know about it, then I might as well pretend that there's nothing going on right? At least this way, I don't have to think and think and think so much like I used to do. And nope. No one shoots at you like a machine gun. Even that night when I was talking to BC about the Friday thingy, all that ran through my mind was, why would QR think that way? And I guess I just accepted it. To prevent more fuss, to stop myself from being oversensitive again. The only question I asked myself was. Have I really done that much to make you dislike me so? Even to the point of the word 'hate'. But then I'm not asking for any answers. Or so I'm trying hard to tell myself that. I learned a very valuable lesson today. That hope brings none but pain. Or rather, I've learned that very long ago, only that I chose to ignore it. But today. It was finally etched into my brain for good. I was alone at SunPlaza Park. Whee... how high the swing goes. And as I sing, my brain goes: They're not going to turn up, so stop hoping they will. Yea I know. That it sounds unreasonable for me to be asking for anyone to be there, especially when you guys are in the middle of having fun. But perhaps I might have felt just that little bit of warmth if just one person had turned up. But no. I waited for almost an hour. And only met a pervert. And a super ugly-looking one at that. Okay back to the subject. All the while I was swinging away, I had to keep telling myself not to hope for too much. Not to expect anything. And even though my heart was begging for a miracle to prove that I was wrong, it just didn't happen. Lesson number 2. Miracles don't happen. It took me a hard knock in the head to finally understand that. I must have looked like an idiot just now. Sitting on the swing, singing and talking and laughing to myself. Or rather my so-called "imaginary" friend. And for the first time I realised that I'm actually capable of separating my facial emotions from that of my heart. I found that I was actually able to sit there and smile at everyone and everything, and pretend that my heart wasn't weeping. That the world is a beautiful place. Okay crap. And then this totally embarrassing thing happens. I fell off the swing. Yea that sounds so hilarious. I slipped okay? Out of the seat. And ouch, my butt still hurts. And dammit. The stupid swing had to take another swipe at my head. Double ouch. But what is that pain compared to what I'm feeling inside? Oh whatever. I'm bull-shitting again. But it took that fall and that knock to finally jolt me out of my daydream. To finally wake up from my self-induced hypnosis. To stop telling myself that everything's not as bad as I'm imagining it to be. And for the first time in weeks, I wept along with my heart. I must have looked like some inexperienced pontianak to that road sweeper. But like. Who cares. Oops. I forgot what I wanted to say. But please just stop trying to decide for me who I'm supposed to trust. Because there isn't anyone whom I've given my trust to right now. And there's no one in "top priority" as you call it. To me, everyone's equal now. I can't tell the difference between "special" people and "normal" friends anymore. So I'll just pretend that there's no hierarchy at all. I know this makes me sound like some sick humanitarian but all I'm really asking is for you guys to be happy. Without me. Because for me, its really that difficult to find true happiness. Why? Because my expectation are simply too high. To the point where they reach impossibility. I know I'm being stupid again. Because you're going to ask me. How are we going to be happy when you aren't? Hmm... I don't have an answer for that actually. I guess I'm just asking for the impossible again. Shit me. And even now at this moment I'm still running. I've tried to put myself down already. So as to save the job for you. But if you feel that I'm supposed to go lower than this... Okay go ahead. Shoot. Okay okay. I know this has been a long entry. Just to end off here. I'm just a stupid confused teenage girl who doesn't know her priorities. Happy? I don't know who I'm trying to kid here, but I DO-NOT-FEEL. And lets keep repeating that until I get it into my system. I just have one last question. I'm wrong whenever I try to voice myself. I'm wrong if I choose to keep quiet. So what am I supposed to do? Okays... I'll be your robot. Just programme me the way you want to. I finally let go of that piece of wood. And I do not struggle as the coldness engulfs my whole being. I simply let the water cover me. I close my eyes, my soul, against the inevitable future as I allow myself to sink into oblivion. I won't go whereI'm unwantedI won't cry becauseI have no tearsI won't hateFor there's no love.
