.Sunday, November 27, 2005 ' 4:50 PM Y
My heart's bleeding. I've cried till there're no more tears left. I'm still left confused. Am I once again being oversensitive? Or is it the truth that I'm afraid to face? I've even lost my senses to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm searching, but there're no clues. Its stressful. And I have to act like everything's normal in front of my friends. Many times I just want to break down and cry. But I just can't find the tears. Like now. Not since that night. When I spent hours letting the tears stream down my face and just staring into space. Blankly. I don't understand what life holds for me anymore. I open the window and stare into the night sky. Thoughts of plunging down whirls throughout my mind. But I'm scared. And I dun want to hurt anyone else. Again. I'm afraid of everything now. I reject love, care and concern. I'm seeking to push everyone away from me again. Even though deep inside I'm hurting like crazy. I know I sound so very depressed. But I can't help it. Can't stop it. I hate acting strong in front of everyone else. But I can't show my weakness. I'm so drained of everything. Everything I'm displaying outside is all false. My cheeriness, my laughing chatters, EVERYTHING. I feel so darn hypocritical but do I have any choice? Crap. No I don't. If I had the choice, I'd have turned back time and tried to set everything right. If I had the choice, I would have pleaded with God to never have created me. But here I am. Ranting away aimlessly. I don't know what tomorrow holds for. I don't want to find out. I dread the future. I just want to hide and crawl under my blanket. But that isn't going to be possible. So here I am. Stuck. Trapped. CRAP!