.Friday, December 16, 2005 ' 3:54 PM Y
I'm slowing learning to let go of what isn't supposed to belong to me. I used to try and hold on to everything and everyone, because I was afraid to lose them. It was a lesson for me, a painful one, when I realised that it was simply time to accept fate as it was and let go. To avoid hurting more. I had my last cry that day, and now I'm coming to terms with it. And now I've starting to accept that invisibility may well be a very good thing for me. Its time to just hang back and relax a little. I know I'm running away from something. But I don't know what. My brain is in a mess and I don't know how to clear it up. I'm starting to reject everything around me again. Love, care, concern... Whatever. I don't know how many people I'll be hurting again, but right now I really can't seem to pick myself out. This has got to be one the worst holidays yet. Everytime I think I've run out of tears, something else crops up to make me cry again. Its also the first time I've cried so hard while watching a drama serial and it's really stupid. I've totally lost control of myself again. My thoughts are all just whirling around. Okay. Back to this whole invisibility thingy. I used to try so hard to find my place in the group. To make myself feel that I actually belonged somewhere instead of just being an odd angle protruding out where I wasn't wanted. But get this. Every movie and every show has only one main lead actor. The rest have to be content with settling for second best. And that's what I've got to do right now. It should have been that way long ago. But its okay. Its still not too late to learn. Just like how I've learnt to loosen my hold on what isn't supposed to be mine. Vying for things out of reach is just like trying to pluck the stars from the sky and keep them in a bottle so that they belong solely to you. Not only is it impossible, its also crushes your inner soul when you finally realise how silly you've been. And now its time for me to wake up from my stupor. Whatever. Maybe this whole entry sounds confusing. Perhaps it sounds depressing. My apologies. Please ignore me.