.Monday, January 16, 2006 ' 1:12 PM Y
Which is more important? If I'd listen to my family, I probably wouldn't be sitting in front of the computer and blogging right now. If I'd listened to my parents, I would probably be dead right now. I woke up this morning feeling as though death would really take me away from everything. I had the pills, the bottle of water, and the shard of glass all by my side. I was just that ready to die. Throughtout the whole morning, that was the only thing I could think. The images, the feeling. Of just dying, of just letting go. It suddenly made me feel lighthearted. For that moment, I really believed that death was the only possible solution. The only way out. I don't know what diverted my attention, but I suddenly started thinking about my friends, my life, my future. Pardon my vanity here, but I've just bought a new dress and I don't want to die without having the chance to actually wear it yet. Sure, I've thought dying in it, but I simply can't bear for it to be stained. By blood or anything else. Well then, for the whole day I was indecisive. I was really strongly tempted to just end it all. It seemed so easy. All I had to do was swallow a couple of pills alongside some water, and slash my wrist with that little piece of glass and I would have the chance to find my release. But something stopped me. I don't know what that something was, but I decided that I really didn't want to die. I still don't know whether I made the right decision, but I'm willing to put it off for now. As a matter of fact, the pills are still in my drawer. I apologise. I don't have any sleeping pills at home so I pilfered what I could from the stock of medicine. I'm telling myself now, that I've only got 10 more months to freedom. I hope I can gather enough strength to last me through this period of time. I'm truly ashamed that I have such a family. With members who do not understand me. I'm sorry towards my friends because they sometimes have to bear their wrath. I can only hope that they understand that this is not what I want. I am sorry to have to declare that from now on, my life will not include my family. That I am officially without parents and siblings. It may seem cruel or unfilial of me, but it is the only way to stop me from becoming insane. From this second onwards, my heart has no place for them.
