.Tuesday, January 31, 2006 ' 4:12 PM Y
What a new year. Everything's been going downhill right from the start. Nothing's been right. Sometimes I really wonder. Is it just so hard for all of us to be happy? Everyone's slowly turning sad, if not depressed. Its as though someone or something has cast a spell over all of us, taking away our past happiness replacing it with a layer of depressing gloom. Everything has become so vague. Our facial expressions do not match our heartfelt emotions. Emotions that we do not dare to express, afraid of making everyone else unhappy. And somehow I feel guilty about it. Perhaps its time I really forgot everything and tried to be truly happy. To put own all my depressed thoughts and stop being so easily affected. Perhaps its time I stopped my heart from thinking and feeling too much. But it just seems so hard. I mean, if I really let myself go and turn into some happy-go-lucky, carefree girl then people might say that I was some insensitive little bitch. That's not what I want to be... But if I try to be sensitive to everyone's thoughts and feelings then I end up getting myself worried and depressed too. Is it really possible to achieve both wants? To be happy-go-lucky and sensitive to others at the same time? Perhaps I should give it a shot. But then what if I fail? What if I end up making everyone else even more upset? I've got so many doubts, but I'm sorely tempted to jsut give everything I've got and just try it out. The thing is, can I really do it? Me. The most depressed and crazy one in the group. Can I really do a 360 degree in such a short time? Sighs... I really dont't know. All I know is that I really want everyone to be truly happy. To really know once more, what happiness feels like. To be comfortable about expressing our thoughts and emotions, no matter how extremely positive or negative. Its what I really want. Even if that means I have to be the rubbish bin for them to dump their unhappiness into, at least I'll be happy to see them all smile.
