.Friday, January 13, 2006 ' 5:00 PM Y
I just realised that the last time I blogged was the last day of last year. Well, school's started and everything's alright so far. My soul is still wandering but at least I'm able to forget my troubles more easily. Like I've said before, I really don't understand the cause of all my unhappiness. I'm still trying to find the main reason. But I just would like to apologise for my extreme behaviour last year. I know that I hurt many of my friends by shutting off from everyone but it was really just that I didn't know how to open out to anyone. Besides, I just couldn't bring myself to do it, not when everyone seemed so happy; I didn't want to act like a wet blanket. I'm still confused now, even though the pain has lessened. But I still see myself sticking out like a sore thumb, intruding where I'm not wanted. I know that I may be thinking too much again, but its actually part of what I am and have been feeling for the past few weeks. I mean, not that I'm crying for attention or anything, its just that I couldn't find my place, my footing anywhere. I simply lost my sense of belonging.
I can't say that I've truly recovered from my wounds, but at least I've started the healing process. I can't guarantee that I'll be able to open up completely but I'll try. I've learnt to accept things that aren't meant to be, or maybe I've just stopped caring. I know now that clinging on too tightly onto a piece of broken rope will only make my fall more painful. With each piece of understanding dawning on me, my heart dies a little. I'm still in the midst of reviving it, so please give me more time. What I'm displaying right now may not be the real me, so please do not judge me badly should I falter.
Last of all. To Qiu Rui, I give you my word that no matter what I will always still be here, not just an empty shell, but as a friend, a sister, and a listening ear whenever you need me. And I trust that it will be the same from you. But please also understand that, by not opening up to you, it isn't that I don't trust you. Its just the simple fact that I don't know how to. I'm learning. Give me time. In the midst, please do not read my little actions as rejection towards you; please do not feel hurt. I never meant to hurt you, or anyone else for that matter. I'm sorry.