.Wednesday, February 22, 2006 ' 10:34 PM Y
I cried again today. I don't know for what. First was when they called to say that they had lost the concert ticket. Then they found it. But I was still upset. Then came the sms saying that QR had banged her head. I don't know why, but I suddenly felt this huge terrible sadness in my heart, as though she was feeling upset and keeping it inside her again. Maybe she was, but we'll never know. I was so overwhelmed by guilt. Perhaps it was my fault that she's unhappy? Should I even be out there having fun alone without them? Suddenly missed QR alot. I mean, I'm not a lesbian or anything, but... I don't know... I've been getting these really weird emotions lately. They make me seem so freaky. When we got back to Tampines we met QR and Van. I admit I was jealous when I saw the two of them so close. I suddenly got this feeling that I'd been replaced. Van accompanied QR home, and when I turned and got a backview of her, the tears simply came again. This time, it was the vision that QR was really leaving me. Goodness gracious... Now I really sound so lunatic. So corny, so mushy, so lesbie. I don't even know what's going on in my mind. I wrote QR a letter today. In it, I really tried to open as much of my heart as I could to her for the first time. Halfway through writing, I was already hesitating. I was scared. Afraid. That that one letter would mean the end of our friendship. That that one letter would make me lose her forever. But somehow I still managed to pass it to her. I know she has replied. But I have absolutely no idea about the content. And I'm still scared. Now my brain is messed up again. There's still so much that I want to say. To tell her. To let her know. I just really want to let her in to my world. Its the first time I've felt something this strong, and I'm even surprised myself. But I'm afraid. I'm being a scaredy-cat. I don't want to be even more alone than I already am.