.Saturday, February 11, 2006 ' 9:32 PM Y
Ever heard of the saying "The eyes are the windows to one's soul"? Well, I have a question for the person who came up with this saying. What about those whose souls are already dead? What will you see when you look into their eyes? I don't really know why I'm talking about something like this suddenly. It just came to me. Because my soul has died. I don't really understand what has happened to me. I think I've really developed a split personality or something close to that. I can really feel the transformation; the difference in my moods and personality as the day darkens into the night. Its just feels as though my whole being is engulfed by the darkness. I can't seem to do anything. And what makes it worse is that I actually enjoy the darkness. Because at least I know that is when I'm "invincible". That's when the steel gates in my heart clamp down and block any emotions from reaching me. That's when I can protect myself. Stop myself from hurting. Although I don't know what I'm hurting about really. I felt that same numbing pain in me again today. As in everyone around me has been snatched away. As though nothing in the world belongs to me anymore. I know I shouldn't selfish. But is it just so wrong to want to have someone that's solely yours? As in, one who places you in first priority, someone whose heart and soul is focused on you, someone who truly loves and cares for you, someone who can fully understand you even whithout words? Just you alone. No one else. No third party involved. No having to stand aside while he/she rushes off to comfort another. Is it really impossible to find someone like that? Is it me whose habouring high hopes and expectations? Am I asking for the impossible? Is is really that difficult? So many questions. Yet not a single answer. But then again, how can I be asking for others to understand me when I can't even understand myself? My name is just a shield. My body is just an empty shell. My heart beats in monotone. Life's journey looks bleak. So what am I? Ya, I know. I'm not the only one with problems. I'm not blind or deaf or mute or handicapped. I haven't been through major emotional trauma, neither am I insane. I'm supposed to be optimistic. But I just can't find any reason to be happy. I smile because I don't want the people around me to be sad. I crack jokes because I want to see them laugh. I laugh because I don't want to be mistaken as a lunatic. I don't shed tears because I don't have any left. Everytime I see that sentence it just makes my world crash all over again. I really don't understand. Do you really hate me so much? Am I really that hateful? Have I really made such a huge mistake that you must hate me so? If yes then perhaps my disappearance from this world can dissolve your hate and your unhappiness? I just need one word from you. That's how important you are to me. That's how much you affect me. But why do I feel as though I'm being alienated. Is it just me being oversensitive or is it true that we've turned into strangers? Was all that closeness just on the surface? Was all the mutual understanding and caring just an illusion? Was everything that we had, everything that we shared all just a dream? If so, why did I have to wake up? I want to dream on. I want to sleep on. I don't want to wake up. Forever.
