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.Wednesday, February 15, 2006 ' 11:23 PM Y
I'm so totally messed up. I don't even know where my line of thoughts are heading. No directions. So many close shaves. I almost let the adults in school into my dark world. Especially when they come up with silly essay and journal topics like "Describe a change you have gone through within the past year". I mean, there haven't been much changes in me... I still look that well, ugly, and I'm still fat and depressed. So ya, basically that's all. What's just changed is my mentality I guess. And I can't even spot any major changes. I mean, haven't I always been like that? Okay whatever. I've got night study this Friday and I'm definitely not looking forward to it. 3 whole hours of English. No would do pretty well for me. Surprise. Hallelujah. Hasn't it been a long time since I blogged about anything UNdepressing here? I don't know how I'm feeling now really. There's still a tiny spark of hope in my heart. But should I continue holding on to that spark? Or is it already time to truly let go and spare myself all that heartache? I really don't know whether I can walk away just like that. I don't know if I can move on. My mind's in a mess and I don't know what I want to express......

Oh well... we'll just leave the unknown to their mysteries. While I'm still in a more positive frame of mind right now, I'd just like to tell everyone to stop worrying about me. I'm okay. I'm strong. I'll be fine. One day but not now. So just stop worrying and asking if I'm okay. Because I don't really know either. One moment I am, the next moment I'm not. So don't even ask. There're no fixed answers. Don't ask me to stop thinking too much, because my brain was born to be occupied by crazy thoughts. Its not something that I'm in control of. If I were, I wouldn't be as messed up as I am right now. Oh... And I remembered what I wanted to blog about. Its another depressing thing. But here it goes. Have anyone of you ever experienced a time when you were so happy and someone just crashed your happiness in a split second? I did. I'm not saying that it was caused by any specific someone, just that... I don't know... The lack of response perhaps. I mean... Imagine being on top of the world, just wanting everyone to share in your happiness but their reactions are like "Oh... okay... that's good..." It was like a total slash into my happiness meter, but I couldn't show it. I mean, I don't want to be some oversensitive bitch. Years of experience have trained me into something I'm not. I cannot allow myself to be weak. I know I have to be strong to prevent myself from collapse. I know I cannot be whiny about anything because that isn't supposed to be part of my nature. So I whine to myself. I complain to my pillows and lash out at my bolster. That's life as it is and I resign myself to it. The standards and expectations have been set. Both by myself, my family, and the people around me. And so I have to meet them. Failure to do so would only result in even more severe depression. Or perhaps worse. Can't allow that can we? But so anyways, I'm just going to sign off here because I can't think of anything else I want to blog about. And yea, I'm really feeling a little abnormal today. What? Another change of personality? Perhaps.

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