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.Friday, March 17, 2006 ' 11:34 PM Y
I guess this time its really over. I'm out, QR's out, WE're out. Of this bloody and cold group. Consisting of people who don't and never have really cared. Of course, I'm only referring to some, not all of them. It has been really tiring how I've always had to be the one taking initiatives, the one to be there for people to lean, to let other expect loads from me. And all I get back in the end is just heartache. Yesterday was really the final straw I guess. I just couldn't sit there at the concert and tell myself that everything was going to be alright when it was just the exact opposite. I simply couldn't put on my "I'm-so-strong" facade anymore. I need a rest. And I've walked away. Into eternal peace. I don't regret walking away just like that. And I don't think I ever will. Its the first time in 15 years and 4 months of my life that I've ever cried right from the start of the concert. And I couldn't even do anything to stop the tears. They just kept falling. I can't believe I've actually been stupid enough to think that I could put my trust, my faith in those people. Within less than 24 hours, they could actually prove me wrong without a single word. My goodness. I must have been possessed or something. I can only extend my apologies to ZX and SK. The rest... I guess I owe a big thank you to Ben for just being there. It really made a huge difference to me. Other than that. Sorry nope. No apologies, no words, no nothing. Sorry if you guys think I'm being bitchy. I don't care. I guess its really time for me to find myself all over again. I can't always be your puppet, your toy. Something for you to cuddle up with when you need me and then throw me aside when you don't. To SQ: If you want me to be fully yours, then yes I will indeed expect the same treatment of me from you. I won't allow you to cast me aside after you decide that you don't need me anymore. To Grayson: Please don't tell me that you care when you don't. I believe that actions speak louder than words. Perhaps you need to start acting like you care. But I believe its a little too late to start now, don't you think? To Van: I'm tired of fighting. You haven't won a thing; I've only just decided to retreat because I can't be bothered to fight you back. To all of you out there: Please don't think that just because I don't show my weak side in front of you, I'm forever that strong. I'm only human too. Please bear that in mind. Van isn't the only one who will cry, although she may be the only one who's weak enough to cry in front of you. That much for acting strong. Woots man... You need acting lessons. And NOPE. Don't try to go all teary on me. It doesn't work on me. 'Cause I'm NOT a guy for heavens' sake.

I don't care if I've written ugly words here today. I won't regret. Its finally time for me to release myself totally. To let go of what I've been hanging on so tightly to for nearly three years. To give myself a chance to live as myself. I read QR's latest entry. Wow. My confidante. My twin sister. Woots. Someone who understands. Well Jie, I've finally crossed over to your world. But don't bother questioning them. You should know by now that the only answers they're ever going to give will be defensive ones. I'll give you some examples:
1. It wasn't my fault. You can't expect me to stand there, watch her cry and do nothing right? If the one crying was you, I'd be concerned too. ( Yea right... Get a life.)
2. I'm really sorry I didn't notice. I guess we were having so much fun I just didn't notice. (Well carry on having fun. I shan't intrude any longer.)
3. Crap. You're thinking way too much again. It isn't the way you think it is... (Oh really? And how would you know which way I'm thinking?)
4. Nah. You're just jealous. (So sue me. Which G-I-R-L doesn't need love, care and attention? Its just the way one goes about getting it. Even robots need maintainence okays?)

Pardon me if I've made any unaccurate predictions. I'm only assuming based on what you guys show us. The impressions you give me. I'm just going to let myself be a total bitch for today. Sue me if you must, but get a good lawyer. 'Cause this will be one fight I'm willing to go all out for. To ZX and SK... I'm taking a huge risk in putting whatever I have left of my heart with you. I really hope you can treasure and protect it well. I don't think it can undergo anymore damages. If you think you can't... please let me know beforehand, thank you. So that I won't be taking stupid risks. I've truly understood the meaning of the word "disappointment" yesterday. I don't need another lesson on that. To BC... I guess you haven't actually offended me. Yet. But people normally hold the parents responsible for what their children do. Not that I'm saying you're in the wrong. But maybe next time, learn to source for details for pointing fingers at anyone. That goes for SQ as well. You can say that its irresponsible of me to pull you back into the group and then leave. But I should let you that firstly, I did not pull you back to let you cast me aside like that.To watch you care and shower attentions on another while forgetting about me. Exactly what YOU didn't want me to do. I wanted you back in the group because I needed you to be there for me, because I felt that you were the only one that truly cared. But I was wrong. You merely showed me that you treated me like your tissue. To wipe away your tears and unhappiness. Then throw me into the bin. Perhaps the old me could have tolerated that. But now I can't. You say you're tired. What about me? You're right. Its really time I let go. And I'm not the one who's "not wanting" you right now. Its the other way round. So stop trying to blame me. I won't accept that.

Last thing before I end off. I walked out of that place yesterday without any intentions of turning back. It also means that I'm leaving the group for good. I won't sit there and watch you all flirting, playing and laughing with Van as though I'm your backdrop again. Its like watching the lousiest movie ever produced in modern day history. I won't allow you guys to hurt me like that again. If, and I really mean IF, you guys want to pull us back, go sit there for a few hours and think of some really good reasons. We're not gonna settle for lousy excuses again. And try to add in a little bit more sincerity. It might work. I'm not saying it will definitely work. Or maybe you guys are happier with us gone. To each his own then.

loved






































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