.Wednesday, March 15, 2006 ' 11:20 PM Y
I had a breakdown last night. I don't know what got into me. I just couldn't help it anymore. It was as though someone or something had finally pushed me over the brink. I can only remember being slapped and slapping myself. Sounds sick huh? There was blood. Its was as though I was under a spell. I sat there for almost 2 hours. I listened. I tried to explain myself. But they couldn't understand. And I finally realised. They would never understand. I'm so sick of trying to explain now. I hate myself for breaking down. Why couldn't I have just let it go? Why did I have to burst out like that? Why? Now my face has an obvious bruise and I have to hide it with my hair. I still can't forgive myself. And I never will. For bursting out like that. Now I've really died. I don't think I'll ever let anything get to me again. Its as though I can't feel a thing anymore. I've simply given up everything. So now all you can see of me will just be my walking corpse. Cool huh? Its not everyday that you see a walking zombie on the streets. Even when I hear all the details of them having so much fun outside, I don't feel much. Except maybe a tinge of some unexplainable emotion. It used to hurt so much, but now I'm like, numb. Do I sound like QR? I think so. But I can't get myself out. Its like I've sunk so deep into the darkness that I can't find my way out. I know it sounds just so dramatic. I'm on the phone with QR now and I'm laughing. But I know my heart feels empty. We're takling serious talk and yes, what I'm telling her is from the bottom of my heart, but it still feels empty. Even ZX can't hurt me now. Lol. Because I guess what he said is true. It doesn't really matter whether I'm around or not. I myself don't feel the difference. Haha. My mind's running around in circles again. Just one last thing. I don't really mind about what goes on anymore. Even if one day I'm out of the group, I don't I'll feel anything much. It may take time, but I'll just get used to it. And I know who I can rely on. I think.
