.Saturday, March 25, 2006 ' 10:08 PM Y
I've read QR's blog. And I'm really glad you're thinking that way. Its really past time that all of us sat down for a heart-to-heart chat. There's been so many misunderstandings. All of us have made mistakes. All of us have erred. No matter how major or minor a role, we've all played a part in causing all this nonsense today. In we, I refer to people directly involved. And I think you know who you are. Lets just talk about me for now. Perhaps its really like the way QR said. I've been so blinded by all that hurt and pain that I simply lashed out at everyone. I didn't care that they tried to explain. I could only see explanations as excuses. But I simply couldn't bring myself to put myself in their shoes, to think for them. Because I didn't want to see reason. Because I didn't want my heart to soften, and then forgive them and give them the chance to hurt me again. I didn't want to leave my heart and soul bare to them again, because then I'd be risking hurt and pain again. And yes Jie, I do accept that I'm at fault too. For causing this whole mess. Like I've said too many times, I've never regretted my actions and I probably never will. But I really do hope that all of us can still be normal friends, instead of harbouring negative feelings towards each other. I don't know if I will ever forgive, but I can be sure I will never forget. I know this sounds petty, but to me, I've never been one to forget things easily, especially not major stuff like this. But I'm willing to take the gamble along with QR. To try and make peace and rebuild the bridge that's been broken between us. I can't promise that this bridge will be made of high quality material, but I can only hope that it will be durable enough for us to cross. Maybe you guys will think that I'm only trying to imitate QR, to follow her. I don't know. Maybe I really am. But I know that I don't want to walk away just like that. I know that I'll never be able to truly let go, to truly forget. Because its been carved too deep into my heart to ever heal completely. There's been many wonderful memories with you guys, and that I really treasure. And there have been gloomy ones too. But that's the thing. If we've been able to work things out for almost three years, why not now? I don't know my next move anymore. I don't know if I'll be able to be persuaded to return to this group or whether I'll just leave forever. I've lost my powers of prediction. I know I'll be following QR wherever she decides to go. Blame me for being weak. Scold me for not having my own opinions. Sue me for being mushy. But to me, I'm really stuck to her. There's no way I can just unglue myself like that. And I'm not sure if I even want to. Maybe I should hate myself for being like this. But I'm scared of losing her, more than I'm scared of losing you guys. And I'm tired of making decisions for myself. Because I always seem to be making wrong decisions. I rather leave her to decide for me. Jie... Sorry if I'm being a burden to you, but let me lean on you for awhile can? Because I really don't know who to turn to anymore. You've always been the stronger of us two. But don't worry. I know you have your weak moments too. So I'll be here for you if you need me too. Haha. Sounds so corny. But who cares. At least I know that I'm speaking from the bottom of my heart. Lastly... for SQ, my dearest Gor. I've never thought of detaching myself from you. Because I know I cannot. I'm sorry if I haven't been contacting you, but that doesn't mean that I don't think of you. Maybe I needed a wake-up call to tell me I've been neglecting you. But please don't leave. I'm not trying to pull you back into this group. I'm trying to tie you down to me. Yea, I know. Yucks. There I go sounded so mushy again. But please allow me to be selfish once more. To keep you by my side. I know we've drifted apart alot. I know I've also taken you for granted. But I can't apologise. Because we've both made the same mistakes. But I'm not blaming you either. Because we both have our faults. Today when I saw you at soccer, I finally realised how much I've missed you. I'm not lying. When you just arrived and I greeted you and you didn't look at me, it was really O-U-C-H. Because this is the first time you've ever ignored me like that. And even after that when you were resting and I tried to talk to you, I could still sense some sort of barrier between us. Just like you said to me when I wanted to leave: please keep in contact. I know its hard for you to contact me, but at least don't give me the cold shoulder can? Sorry again.
