.Saturday, March 11, 2006 ' 11:35 PM Y
How come it just seems harder for everyone to be happy? Like, so many problems have cropped up everywhere. Even at home. I mean, sure I did ask for some of them. But... oh I don't know. My thoughts haven't been organised since god knows how long. Maybe god doesn't even know. I'm kind of losing faith in everything and everyone. I'm losing faith even in myself. I admit that yes, I am tired. But I really need someone for me to hold on. Someone to pull me back, to tell me that everything's going to be alright. So please don't walk away from me right now. Because I may just collapse. My blog entries are getting shorter and shorter. 'Cause I simply don't know what to say. There's so many things going on, so many thoughts whirling around in my brain right now, but I simply don't know how to put them into words. Or maybe I just don't want to. I don't think I'm numb, more like I'm afraid of people misunderstanding what I say. I've really tried not to think too much, to be what I want and to just go ahead and say what I feel. But I just can't do it. I know I've promised many times, not to cut myself. And I've broken that promise many times too. But I really can't stop myself. Its the only way for me to stop my tears. To feel what pain actually is like, so my heart and brain can just shut up. Its as though there's this huge fist clamping on my heart making it so difficlt for me to breathe. I guess seeing the wounds on my wrist makes it easier for me to relax myself. So that my mind can actually focus on something else and not think about the tightness in my heart. I'm really appreciative of the care and concern you guys have given me, and its not a plea for attention. So please don't misunderstand. Its just another form of release. Just like you guys choose to hit the wall or something. I simply choose another form of release. And I really don't look upon it as self-abuse because I don't feel that I'm taking out my anger on myself. I don't even feel angry. My emotions have become so mixed up that I don't really know what I'm actually feeling. All I know is that I've been crying a lot lately. I don't even know where I manage to find so many tears. Imagine listening to a song and the tears simply start falling. That's how weak I am. Isn't it ironical? That I try to appear so strong, as though nothing can get to me, but the tiniest things can start my emotions roller-coasting around. I'm not asking you guys to stop caring about me. In fact, I'm asking for the direct opposite. I know you guys are really tired of asking me to stop cutting myself. I know that by doing so, I'm hurting a lot of people. But I can't stop. Its just like when you're really starving and there's this plate of food in front of you. Even if you know that its past its expiry date you'll still rush for it right? And Jie, I've never taken you for granted. I can't explain here so you'll just have to wait until i return the book to you. My brain's feeling empty again so I guess I'll just stop here for now. I'm not asking for anyone to understand what I've written. Maybe I blogged just so you guys can't say that I didn't update. =P
