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.Saturday, April 01, 2006 ' 9:50 PM Y
Haha... Haven't been blogging for quite some time. Just didn't have the mood, and I didn't know what to blog about. Went to the zoo yesterday. Quite fun actually, just that I had to rush back to school because of that stupid night study session. So sorry to the others. Its ironical. There're so many things going on in my mind right now, but I don't how to put them into words. I guess I've been thinking alot lately. Over everything's that happened. All that fuss and ruckus that's been kicked up these past weeks. I don't think anything has really been settled. Except that I finally understand that some things cannot be controlled by how our feelings. I mean like... take this thing about fighting for attention with Van... It got me nowhere. I don't know how QR feels exactly, but for me, I know that I don't want to fight for anything anymore. Well maybe except for my freedom. Other than that... Let's just take it day by day. I don't want to think too much. Towards Van, I guess its now that sort of nothing-has-happened sort of attitude. I can't exactly describe what I'm feeling right now, because its all mixed up. To the point where I don't know what to name it.

I'm trying to hide myself again. Perhaps to me, as long as I don't face up to facts, everything's going to be alright. Life can remain happy and nothing will go wrong. Maybe if I choose to ignore everything, I can lessen the amount of hurt I might receive at the end of the day. I used to be looking for someone for me to lean on. But now I can stand on my own feet again. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. And I've also learnt that pinning high hopes mean risking higher chances of getting hurt. I'm not pointing any fingers, and I apologise if I've offended anyone, but I guess past experiences have taught me to depend myself instead of others. I know I've posted stuff that other people feel uneasy about. But all I can say is that this my my blog. For heaven's sake don't take away the only place for me to vent out all my feelings. I'll even throw in a PLEASE and a THANK YOU. Is that enough?

To QR. PLease don't be offended by what I'm going to say. Its just what I truly feel. Its like, everytime we try to pull the gap between up closer, it somehow widens by itself. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much again, but I really feel as though the gap has been pulled open again. I don't really know how to put it, but I really need to know how we can "connect" again. I know I sound like I'm crapping here, but I really don't know how else to explain. Maybe its because I've lost you again. Or maybe I'm the one who's lost myself. Most probably the latter. I just hope things do work out. Oh and another thing. Don't hit me like that anymore. I hate it when people hit me on the head, especially when they slap me. It might be unintentional, but I still don't like it. It may be a just-joking kind of thing, but I still can't accept it. I've had enough of treatment like that since young. I really don't like it. And it hurts more on the heart than on the face, because its the least expected from you of all people. Sorry if I made you angry or anything, I just feel that its time I spoke up now and then.

I think I'll just stop here for now. There's still alot I want to say. But I don't know how. I don't think I'll be blogging much from now on, because it always makes my mind confused. I am now.



*MaKiNo AyAnO TsUkUsHi -
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