.Monday, June 05, 2006 ' 12:30 AM Y
Hurray! I got a new phone yesterday! Okay. Most of you probably know about it already, but well... I want to announce it to the whole world! Haha... Well anyways... heard QR updated her blog a few times today so I went to check it out. Okay... Some really crappy entries... No kidding. You'll be wondering why she's even wasting time and electricity blogging about such stuff. Haha. No offense. Well anyways... that comment about friendship being fragile... Okay I can take a hint... But hey... Some self-defense here... You're attached! I know when I'm supposed to butt off okays... I don't mean to totally disappear or anything. Its just that well... If you need me I'll still be here, but when you don't need me... You seriously don't expect me to hang around... I just feel like an odd angle sticking out... Sorry but its just me. So don't worry too much about that. Okay I'm bullshitting here. Whatever. Haha. I just went to Bugis with my sister and my parents after dinner just now. My sister went there to change her contact lenses because they were giving her problems... The shop has these really nice spectacles... But I couldn't find a single pair that suited me... Contact lenses don't suit me either... Because I don't know how to put them in. Hyuk hyuk... Maybe I'm just destined to let my eyes rot... Ewww.... Anyways... SK FINALLY updated his blog... After so very very very long a time... Well... thanks for your not-so-short "note" to me... Okay I'm guilty of that part about not having enough confidence in myself... But that "recent incident" you mentioned? Erms... I think I need your help in refreshing my memory. Because I really can't remember!!! What boiling up??? Haha... And sorry... I've really been a lousy mei... That I didn't even notice that you were having problems... Well... Guess I can't do anything about them anyways... So... Nevermind... Its really funny how I only seem to have things to blog about after reading other people's blog... And even then I have to spend at least half an hour organising all the "data" and figuring how to put them into appropriate words. Well I have to go now... I still have some schoolwork to finish up for tomorrow's lesson...Okay whatever I'm going to say here will sound immature that's why I'm going to make it "invisible"... Well remember my past entry about finding myself? I mentioned that I feel like I'm drifting in space... That I don't seem to belong anywhere... Well... I think its time to elaborate... Just to "pen" it all down instead of keeping it inside me... Well you see... This problem of not belonging anywhere... Well... QR's got SY and Van's got Gray... I don't know why but somehow I just developed this idea that its time for me to butt off... I simply reject the idea of hanging out in groups of three... As you all know... Three's a crowd. Okay nevermind about that. I'm not jealous or anything... I'm seriously happy for them that they've found their "dream guys". That's why I feel that its time for me to stand aside and be the "camera woman" instead of the one being in the picture. Get what I mean? Maybe its a case of insecurities... I just feel very "extra". Like I said... An odd angle sticking out where I'm not wanted... Seriously... I just feel that I just don't fit in anywhere anymore... Even SQ... who used to be my dearest gor... He makes me feel like he doesn't want me to stick around anymore... The rest... ZH, SK and BC have to study... I can't possibly turn to them for every single tiny thing right? I really want to believe that I can handle my emotions well enough for me to survive. Even to the point of deceiving myself... I mean... just last Saturday I was entertaining suicidal thoughts again. Just because of one stupid quarrel with my parents. Yes. Again. Its like what? Once per month. I don't want to either okay... But somehow I never manage to restrain myself. What the hell... The only comfort is that this time the quarrel wasn't that serious... At least I didn't ask them to just kill me there and then... But it didn't stop me from thinking about jumping off the building. Crap right? But yea, its just so crazy of me. Self-control? Please... I wish I had some too... I mean... what's wrong with me? I used to be able to at least keep myself from blowing up, from showing everyone how weak I really am... especially towards my parents... But now its like I can't even stop myself anymore. It sounds really crazy I know... Truly... when I talked about finding myself, I didn't have a single idea where to start. And I still don't have any idea now... Its like I've totally lost myself or something... I completely have no idea of what the real me is like. And SK was right in saying that there isn't anyone who understands me fully, completely, hundred percent. I know that. That's the problem. You guys don't understand me, I don't understand myself... So how am I ever going to find the real me? And that thing about having no self-confidence? Yea its true. Totally and completely true. I just don't dare to have self-confidence. I make blunders out of everything I do. And I'm like some bird-brained girl who doesn't know what she wants. Okay... there I go... putting myself down again... Sorry... Well you know those few times when I'm being what you call, thick-skinned? Well... its just my way of trying to tell myself that I'm not really as lousy as I think I am... Self-delusion I know... But it works for me... Even though its for just a few minutes... I'm content enough... Okay I don't want to keep harping on that. I'll just stop here before I make my brain even more jumbled up.