.Friday, June 01, 2007 ' 12:10 AM Y
I have blogged so much over the past few months. This is my 80th post. And it is not going to be a happy one. Something happened today that made me start questioning my happiness. Something happened last night that brought back so many memories for me and made me yearn for what can never be. Ever again. I guess it might just be the monthlies, but I'm not feeling very cheerful today. I don't know if she remembers, but there was this red-and-blue NIKE wristband that QR and I bought when I was just in Secondary 1. We had barely known each other for half a year then. But I remember it was the day that SK and SQ left that each a letter and a bottle of saga seeds, making us choose between sticking with BC or with them. Seems so long ago. But I still remember. And that was the day the SK returned me all the money that I had been saving all along. It was a whole whooping 90 bucks, and at that point of time, it was the largest amount of money I had ever possessed at any one time. It should have been much lesser, because while I asked SK to save the money for me, I told him to deduct from that "savings" whenever I spent. But he never did. And I ended up with a "fortune". Angry at the two of them for making us so upset, QR and I headed off to TM for a huge shopping spree to make ourselves feel better. And that was when we bought the wristbands. One each. Exactly the same. And yesterday night, while packing my bag, I came across my wristband. By instinct, I slipped it on and suddenly realised that it had become very much looser than it used to be. Almost as if it were a reminder of the huge change in our friendship. A reminder that was what ever closeness there was between us is now all in the past. We moved on in directions so different that we simply lost track of each other except for the occasional glimpse every now and then. All I want to say is that I miss you, QR. I miss you as I miss the rest of our clinche. And I miss you as much as I miss the old days when we could sit at McDonald's for a whole 3 hours chatting about nothing. But the present you is not the same QR I knew 3 years ago. And perhaps it is time to for me to stop clinging onto the past. But can one ever really stop looking back to wonderful times and hope to bask in that joy once more? Can one ever really forget suck beautiful memories and move on as if they had never happened before? I seriously doubt so. And yet, I have no idea what I should do. Let go? Or hold on? Both choices equally antagonising, both equally painful.
~*~Already feeling very down, Elvis' words were of no comfort to me either. I shall not quote him or even mention what he said, but the impact of his words was enough for me to questioning whatever I have now. I cannot lie and say that I am actually hiding under the mask of happiness, for I truly am happy with what I have now. But I am actually starting to question whether others actually look upon me as a fool. In some ways, I am my own person. But in other ways, I have almost become a shadow of Regina. No. I don't mean that I've lost myself. Its just that I'm not longer the one who speaks up anymore. Even when I do, I find that people seldom notice me. I'm not trying to vie for attention; I just feel that I no longer bring significance into others' lives. Yes, I can find a place in the class. But sometimes I feel that my place is only because of Regina. I started wondering where I would be if Regina wasn't here. Would it be like a repeat of secondary school? I'm not jealous of her lah. For I know she is a wonderful friend. I'm just starting to doubt myself. Insecurities again. Its like the same old cycle of questions circling my mind. Are they actually laughing at my stupidity behind my back? Are they nice to me only because of Regina? I know I sound so very depressed like I used to be. But pardon my being so "EMO" all of a sudden. Like I said, maybe its the monthlies. Add on my own oversensitive nature and tah-dah! A million insecurities. I know I will feel better again by tomorrow. But whatever I have written on this post is absolutely true of what I am feeling. Especially the first part. I really do miss you guys. We have gone through so much together in 3 years, more than any pair of friends could have gone through in a lifetime. It would really be such a pity if this was truly the end of our friendship.