.Monday, November 19, 2007 ' 11:09 PM Y
This incident actually made me realise that my thinking is somehow very warped. I can be thinking in one direction today, but tomorrow, I might have changed direction completely. For example, initially I thought by clinging on, there would be hope for change. Then as the days passed, I kept changing my ideas, because I developed the mentality that friendship shouldn't have to be like this. If at one point of time the other party finds you a burden then there is no point going on, is there? Besides, she has already found someone else who can take my place. So who am I to keep on hounding after her?
One thing I hate most, is being treated like an invisible, and that was how I had been feeling over the past few months with them all. Perhaps this is finally over. For now, this chapter of my life closes. I know that no matter what I say will be rebutted back to look as though I made the world crash. I don't know how or why, but somehow, in her own special way, she just always manages to make people feel guilty, especially me. But not this time. Say what you want. I don't acknowledge what I think isn't true.
I don't know what is her definition of a let-down, neither do I see how friends always have to be constantly in touch every single day or week. I didn't know just because I couldn't be there at her beck and call when she needed so, it became a brush-off. So be it. After all, its always been about how she feels and how she thinks.
I'm not turning vicious just because this whole thing didn't work out. Everytime she thought of herself being tired, she didn't think of others being tired. But since she loves pushing everything to me, I can accept all with graciousness. Bleahs. This is all becoming childish squabbling again. Well you've found your replacement. So I gladly give up that special place because I know its gone to a better candidate. Hope that other candidate does better than you thought I did. Remember, if one day you become tired of her too, tell her straight to her face instead of beating around the bush.
I've finally gotten a new job offer. 2 students this time. Muahahaha. Sisters actually. If everything goes smoothly, I start work again this Thursday. And next month I get back to my old student. Still waiting for calls from another 2 past students.
Finally things are picking up. Its amazing the amount of laziness that can build up simply by not working for half a month. I must not let myself become lazy! Haha. Can't wait for work momentum to be in full swing. People call me stupid, but I simply love travelling back in forth from student to student. Haha. And if nothing unexpected happens, I might be reaching my target monthly income by start of next year. What better way of starting the New Year than having one of your goals reached so fast? Heh heh.
Class today was fun. Its been so long since I've been so talkative in class. In secondary school, most of the class avoided me like the plague. But in tutorial today, I ended up chatting away happily here and there. I guess its also attributed to the fact that I've finally opened up. I'm still guarded and defensive at times, but I've also learnt that if you want to be heard, you have to speak up. And contrary to what my own circle of friends think, I'm not that hard to hang around. Just don't allow me to feel left out and you get a bubbly and chatty me. Haha. But then I've also realised not to expect too much from others, no matter who they are, because they might not realise my expectations and then I get disappointed all over again.
Actually, I could almost say that I'm somehow detaching myself from the world. I find pleasure in burying myself in work because it stops me from thinking about mundane problems. I stop involving myself in so many things because it only causes more problems and obstacles in my life. To many, my way of handling things might be wrong. To others, I might just be looked upon as the one with poor attitude. To each his own. I can never be perfect to everyone, so I can only to my best to satisfy myself.
If you have any suggestions on self-improvement for me, you're more than willing to drum them into me. Ben and BC's words did more than impact me, even though they were said out of silly quarrels. Thanks to them, they totally changed my way of perception to some extent. And it sort of allowed me to slow down my pace and do more reflection. Haha.
Looking forward to music lessons next year. I'm getting them, by hook or by crook. Muahahaha.