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.Friday, November 09, 2007 ' 4:10 AM Y
Its time to say goodbye. I don't know what kind of feeling this is, but I've known all along that this day should have come earlier than now. Don't know why the sudden "feel", but this is just IT.

Regarding my previous 2 entries, I know very well, and I think I've said this before, no possible no one is going to support me as "doing the right thing". And no, please don't assume that I think I'm right. Everyone does rash things in a fit of anger, and this rule applies to me too. You guys most likely have done the same things, although not in the same way. We are not that different; its just human nature.

Neither do I really think I was wrong to write all that. Standing on a 3rd party point of view, I'd fault myself. But standing on my point of view, let's just say that at the end of the day, I can read all I've written and swear to everyone else that those are my most honest opinions. Stuff that I didn't see the need to keep bottled up. I didn't privatise my blog because I don't see the need to hide from the world. If you're unhappy with that, so be it. I'm not the only who's stubborn and insists on doing things my own way.

I don't see any problem with expressing my anger openly. I don't deny I lack control. If a "Sorry" makes everyone feel more peaceful, there you have it. I'm being as sincere as I possibly can, but I still have to face myself. And I'm not sorry.

Enough said. Friends will always remain friends. I still treat BC as a friend despite saying all that. No, don't sneer and look at me like I'm some underling. It is true, and that I swear as well.

I know I've tried to do it over and over again and failed miserably. But I'm still going to try, until the day I succeed, because I'm guessing that day will be the end of the long rainbow journey. I'll finally find my pot of gold and stop looking back and keep being tempted to retrace my steps, which is impossible. Why? Because once you step onto the rainbow of Life, you either reach the end and strike gold, or you die trying. There's no turning back. That's why you get people who die happy, and people who die full of regrets. Because throughout their lives, they kept being pulled back. I don't want to be the latter.

If my brain were a factory, I'd want it to shut down for the next 2 months. When we did a personality test in IAC and I had to opt whether I was a "Thinker" or a "Feeler", I chose the former because I tend to think too much. Not as in depressed and negative thoughts, but somehow, my brain always loves to zoom in and focus on the tiniest thoughts and make me think of ways to do something or just keep tossing that thought around.

If life resembled Harry Potter land, I'd love to draw out my thoughts with my wand and dump all that silvery shit into the toilet bowl and flush them down. On second thought, maybe I should just lock them up, until one day I can face those thoughts without feeling troubled.

Oh my. If only I could do that.


Enough of all that. My spirits are sinking lower and lower. They shouldn't be. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think maybe its just due to the fact that I'm tired, and I'm over-stressing myself. My mind just keeps zooming in on the future 2 months that are going to be without income. Dear keeps telling me not to worry, but I just can't help worrying. I just busted $110 on textbooks on Wednesday, and my sixth sense tells me I'm not going to get reimbursed from my parents for that.

I'm feeling stressed and tired and overworked and upset and frustrated right now. PMS kind of mood. Today I heard on this DJ on 97.2 saying that in Singapore, you don't have time to think about saving money or spending money, because all your energies are focused on how to EARN money. How true that is.

In fact, its so true in my case that I need to working constantly because I cannot stand the feeling of being broke. I can't face myself if I go to the ATM and my account is empty again, and I have no means to mend that whole. It got to this point where one day I was daydreaming again and I realised, what happened to my dream of singing? What happened to wanting to take up vocals lessons? And my inner self told me,"You don't have the money to take up lessons. Dreaming of singing is unpractical, because it can't fill your stomach and afford you small luxuries. Shelve those plans."

And that's what I've done. In a way, I've almost become like my sister, except that I don't love being this way. I still want to pursue my dream, but I can't find the courage. Besides, if I just keep focusing on chasing my dream, who's going to feed me? My parents are definitely not going to say, "Oh. You wanna take vocal lessons? Here's the money. And from now on just focus on singing. Forget about earning your own allowance." Heaven isn't going fall on us anytime within the near future.

SO, I'm heading in the direction of ACCA. Because this is one area of extreme interest that I don't mind developing. Perhaps one day I will have the chance to fulfil my dreams, but for now, practicality is more important. That's why I'm signing up for the CLSF scholarship.

What is the CLSF scholarship? Well first, CLSF refers to Chio Lim Stone Forest, which is actually a local auditing firm. I'm not very sure whether its one of the Big 4, but to able to offer scholarships like this, the company shouldn't be any small fry. What they offer is a 2 year scholarship award of $3k a year throughout my 2nd and 3rd year of polytechnic study, with me having to fulfil my 6-month industrial attachment programme during the 3rd year at CLSF. During this period, they're going to offer me the standard attachment allowance of $600/month, PLUS and additional $400 as scholarship allowance. Which means $1k per month.

I have to have a accumulated GPA of 2.5, something which I don't have. But I hope they can make an exception. Because at least I fulfil the rest of their requirements, one of which states that the applicant must be interested to pursue the ACCA qualification.

Upon graduation from NP, I'm expected to work for the company for 3 years(while taking ACCA), while they will pay for my ACCA course fees. How cool is that?

If I get this scholarship, it's going to reshape my entire future. My original intention was to join Ernst & Young, but that can be postponed. Some basic calculation. I graduate from NP at the age of 19. I join CLSF for the next 3 years and (hopefully) complete my ACCA course of study within these 3 years, and by then I'll be (19+3) 22.

At the end of these 3 years, I can choose to either quit CLSF or just stay on. I still have the chance to cross over to Ernst & Young. Haha. And by then, I'll most probably be in the midst of pursuing my dream. But not to get my hopes high. These are all just "IFs". I'm just praying hard that it will turn into a reality.

Its time to go get some sleep. I have to wake up at 7.30 to get ready for lesson. Anyone knows any way that I can get my brain and body to relax?

Hug me tight and just let me feel your warmth. Help me forget my troubles for a second and I'll love you for an eternity.



*MaKiNo AyAnO TsUkUsHi -
*born 10th November -
*PrOud LittLe ScOrpioN -
*StuBBorN & quIcK-teMpeRed -
*FoRgivEs bUt NeVeR foRgEts -
*cOntAct hEr at tough_jennifer@hotmail.com -


*a New laPpY
*tRaveLs aRouNd tHe wOrLd
*vOcaL lEssOnS
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*to LivE in RiChmOnd,B.C



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