.Tuesday, January 08, 2008 ' 1:30 AM Y
At this point, my whole body is so numb that I am moving almost mechanically. My hands are freezing cold and my spine so stiff that it feels brittle. I've been accused of being a free-loader, of all things in the world. I can swear upon my soul and everything that I hold dear to me that I definitely do NOT free-load. I may not do as much as them but that does not mean that I did not contribute a single thing. And let's not mention the point that my views are never listened to and any effort that I try to make is dismissed lightly.I seriously don't know what to do. This is the first time I've been so upset before. I just sat there and continued doing my PBL like a robot operating a machine. My mind kept brooding over the subject and my whole body just felt super numb. I wanted to cry, but I'm not willing to let myself break down just yet. For the first time in ten years, I took the initiative to confide in my sister, and I'm grateful that God actually gave me a sister like her. For 2 hours we just sat there and talked. I told her everything; my fears, my confessions. Everything. For 2 hours, she advised all my worries and told me of her own experiences, telling me that the world isn't as blind as I think it is. And even though I'm still upset, I have been comforted. My very own personal counselor has actually been living under the same roof as me all this while. I can't lie and say that I have done alot for the project, but I want to defend one point and that is that I really have tried to do the tasks delegated to me. Over and over again I tell them that if there is anything that they need me to do, just drop me a message. I feel bad that I have to leave early for meetings, and even miss one of them, but I do try and make up for it. Just because you don't see my effort and my struggles doesn't mean that they don't exist. I try to stay until the very last minute but then I'd also appreciate if they could stop fooling around and only settle down half an hour later. This is like a repetition of secondary school, only so much worse. Because this time, there is no library where I can call my own turf and no friends whom I know I can turn to. None. I don't want to burden Dear because I know that if I had called him 2 hours ago, I'd most definitely have broken down. And I can't. Not at this crucial moment. No matter how hard it is, I have to grit my teeth hard and just pull through somehow. Because if I lose control, I'm falling back into that dark abyss called depression once more, and I won't allow that to happen. I am not a weakling. Give me all you've got, but don't turn coward when I fight back. But before that, let's just focus on getting what needs be done DONE. So drained and tired. Disappointed that some people can only judge what they see on the surface. They know nothing of your background or of your thinking, but instead, put you into the picture frame that they've customed for you. For now I have only one wish. Just one. And that is to complete this semester as fast as possible. For time to pass much faster, because I don't know for how long I can continue to hold on.
