.Thursday, January 17, 2008 ' 12:46 AM Y
I think I'm coming down with the flu bug or something. My throat hurts, as though I've been shouting out loud for the past few hours, and even though my voice isn't hoarse, my throat still hurts whenever I try to swallow or talk. What a bad time for all this to be happening. Looks like the lack of sleep is taking its toll on my body, but why my throat? Now I can't sing! Something's definitely going wrong with me. My emotions are unstable and I can't even determine whether I'm going to be angry, or happy or sad or docile in the very next minute. Even though there are still 2 major projects to be completed, I find myself wanting to slack off at this super important point of time when two weeks ago I was still working myself into a frenzy at the thought of so many deadlines to meet. Deep down, I know that I still care. I still want to put in my best, and do all I can. I want to do my part well irregardless of all that friction between me and my groupmates. But like my sister said, its 4 against 1. Or rather, if you want to combine the "forces" of both groups, its 7 against 1. Do I still have to make it clear, the odds of standing up against so many? I don't have much self-confidence to start with, and I'm not only facing the stress of so many project deadlines. I also have to worry about schoolwork, about their judgements of me, and my work. Each day of the past few months, I've been worrying about the next day's expenses. Losing my coin pouch and my Ez-link card didn't help either. Surprisingly, taking the initiative to talk to Her did improve my mood alot. Its weird. The formality, the barriers I can feel. I don't dare to go close, but that doesn't stop me from baring my heart out. Maybe because at this point of time, I need all the security, all the comfort and all the understanding I can garner from anyone who's willing to listen and not judge. I give thanks to the selected few people who have done that for me, whether they are conscious of it or not. I'm really tired now, be it physically or mentally. I'm apologetic towards my students, who have been affected by my conflicting schedules not just once or twice, but many many times. I wish I could give the best of my abilities to all everyone, but there's only one of me and only so much I can give and take. I'm glad for the understanding of the parents of my students; I only ask the same of my groupmates. Is it really alot to ask for? I really want to just shrink back into my hermit's shell and avoid all this negative going-ons. Cowardly of me yes, but I don't know what else to do. I probably should discontinue this negative stream of words as well.