.Tuesday, March 16, 2010 ' 12:07 AM Y
Saturday's gathering with TKDJ people was fun and really brought back a lot of good memories. Most significant was when Ricky commented that I'm still the same, after I made a sarcastic comment. Weird thing is, I didn't even mean to be sarcastic, neither did I realise until he made that comment.
And then it struck me that I really did miss that loud, sarcastic side of me.
Ever since starting work, its been a long while since I've been able to unleash that part of my character, and I kinda miss it, even though I know some people actually hate my sarcasm. Heh heh~
Anyway, after much manipulation on my part, dinner was finally fixed at Benten and I finally got to try HUMONGOUS ice-cream. Our table actually ordered 2 of it and the table of Caucasians sitting outside was actually looking in with jaw-dropping expressions on their face. Damn funny! The food there was pretty great, but I didn't like my pasta 'cuz it was too dry. Dear's baked rice tasted fantastic though, and some of the other TKDJ peeps got pretty decent looking food too. I'm definitely going back to try their combo sets and that Chocolate Banana Parfait.
Been having some work-related cock-ups lately and I've been feeling really drained. I've got no idea what to do, and my major concern is only that I don't end up dragging anyone else down with me.
And its during this period of time that I've realised what a huge coward I really am.
All I'd been wanting to do when it all started was to run away from everything. But there's just no way to run. I hate myself for being so damn weak; for not having the courage and the confidence to face the obstacles; for hating myself.
And yet at the same time, all I wished was that if the world really tumbled, no one else would be affected.
Dear kept telling me not to be stupid and shoulder everything myself, but I really can't see how not to. Isn't it my fault that I was too careless? Isn't it my fault that I didn't check properly? Isn't it my fault that it was my job to make sure that the item was supposed to be there and it wasn't?
Yet I really have no idea what I can do. I've tried and tried to recall, check and double-checked through all the documents I have on hand and even stared at the MYOB screen until I saw stars and nothing just falls into place! And then I just hate myself even more.
Again I feel this urge to run. To hurry up and sort out this mess and then run as far away as possible. But where can I run to? Even if I can escape once, what if it happens again? Why can't I be brave enough to face this obstacle and tell myself I'll do better next time? But what if I don't do better next time? Then what?
Today I told Dear that I so want to take a break from working, and he asked me "Why? Your job isn't all that stressful." And I don't blame him really. Because I know I'm just looking for an excuse to shrink into my shell and hide there until I feel better. And because we both know that once we started, the option of not working ceased to exist. Can you imagine either of our parents supporting us? NO.
And oh how I hate that fact. The effing fact that both of us cannot afford to stop working, and probably will never afford to do so until decades down the road. I think I can finally understand how my Sis felt when her business was going through a down period. Because when you smile at the world and you're proud of yourself for being independent, after awhile everyone expects it of you and from then on, you can never look back.
Dear keeps telling me to try and relax; be more laid-back. But I'm suffocating myself with pressure. To hurry up and complete my studies. To prove to the world that I can make the ACCA cut. To move on and truly establish a career. During one of the CNY days, while on the way home from visiting, my dad said to me "I'm retiring after you complete your ACCA. 3 years from now right?"
And that merely added more stress.
I told my mom the other day that I might wanna take a break after I finish my CAT, and she didn't protest. But that would mean dragging my plans by another half a year, and I've gotten sick of back-shifting my plans all the time. Now, I don't know what to do.
I keep promising Dear to try and be more relaxed, but the fact is, I truly don't know how! I keep expecting more of myself and getting disappointed when I fail to achieve my expectations. And all that frustration is affecting my temper a lot.
People say that its best to go through the bitter part of life first and then slowly savour the sweetness of it later but I've never been a fan of bitter stuff.
Sometimes I wished I weren't such a sucker for detail; that I could stop my crazy obsession with planning far into the future. The more I plan, the more frustrated I get when my plans fail to meet. I can't tolerate even when just a tiny detail doesn't go accordingly and it scares me, because I know its mental to be this way.
Crystal once said, "I wish I could be like you. Then perhaps I wouldn't think so much, and I'd be less troubled." and all I was thinking was "If only you knew." Yeah. If only she knew.
Been clocking in only 4 hours or so of sleep this few weeks, because somehow, I just kept tossing and turning in bed. Blogging all that out made me feel so much better, but it still doesn't solve my current dilemma. Guess its time to take all that jumble of thoughts into bed again. Can I PLEASE have a wand and a Pensieve?!
P.S Maybe I should just go for a long long long jog.
Fine that was real lame. xD