it's lovee;

.Saturday, June 19, 2010 ' 5:31 AM Y

Just got home after watching the match between England and Algeria and boy, what another disappointment. This is the first time I'm truly watching the World Cup and it totally stinks bad! All the top class teams with the top class players are performing like they're playing for the 1st time whereas all the underdogs suddenly dominate the entire spotlight. What.the.bloody.fuck.

Even more pissed by the fact that I had to waste 10 minutes waiting for the Internet to finally connect. No idea whether its because of the laptop, of the distance between my room and where the modem/router is, or because Singtel just sucks.

Just to rant a little before I fall unconscious into my bed... I know my mom doesn't like me to come home this late, but seriously, get used to it! Its been what? Three years, and she's still nagging over the same thing everyday. Brr... Besides, World Cup only comes once every 4 years and I've been such a good girl for the past month. xD

Sometimes I just don't get what they want. Parents. They tell you that you're at a wise old age of 20 and expect so goddamn much from you, yet when it comes to situations where you want them to just leave you alone, they coddle you like some small kid. Contradicting and fucking annoying. Its like, you know, there's really no such thing as getting the best of both worlds. If you expect me to go out and work and support myself whereas everyone else is just having the party of their lives, then in turn, you can turn a blind eye to my late homecomings and other minor whatnots. Afterall, really, be glad your kid ain't some hardcore clubbing "chiongster" coming home nearly everyday reeking of alchohol while maxing out YOUR credit card.

People say its unfilial to talk about one's parents this way; that they just want what's best for me. All I can say in defence is that no one ever came and asked whether I thought this was the best for myself. I started working because this was simply what is expected of me, and because I would be going hungry if I didn't. There was never a choice of "Oh, let's find some part-time to do for the sake of it". Nope. No such luxury.

Don't tell me to stop whining about my circumstances. I don't really want to either, but I think its only fair trade that you leave me alone when I don't bother you. $20 after the last day of O levels, I've never again opened my mouth to ask for allowance. Even when the going was tough, I just had to grit my teeth and bear with it. I'm not privileged enough to juggle an existing social life, so at least grant me the right for this bit of freedom.

Sometimes I think it'd really be better not to have to be alive and struggle through all these obstacles. I'm not suicidal; I just feel really tired and burnt out. Sometimes I feel so frustrated I just wanna scream and keep on screaming, and perhaps smash my fists into a few walls while I'm at it. Violent tendencies. Oh YES. I feel like a 20 year old trapped in a fucking 30 year old body. Or is it the other way round? Too tired to think.

Really gonna start writing soon. I've got to convert all that pent up frustration into some other form of literary expression or I'll be blogging the same stuff for the next millennium, and even I shudder to think of that.

loved

.Tuesday, June 15, 2010 ' 2:05 PM Y

There are just some things in this that can bring out both the best and the worst in people.

For me, a simple thing like taking public transport can be either a very enjoyable journey when the ride is smooth, I've music to listen to or a book to read, and there are no annoying people, or it can turn me into a pissed-off bitch with all the squeezing and smelly odours floating around.

The World Cup is here and this year, more than any other previous years, you've got more people watching the matches at McDonalds and the few selected community centres since the subscription fees are so high. And when more of something is really never a good thing.

At McDonalds, you get inconsiderate fuckers who somehow manage to position themselves (standing) exactly where their heads will block three-quarters of the screen, and still manage to look perfectly incredulous when you politely ask them to ~~fuck~~ move off.

People also don't seem to understand that it is only basic courtesy to at least get a drink or something when you occupy such a huge table for anywhere between 2 to 5 hours at one shot. Don't sit there for the entire duration empty-handed when they're kind enough to let you watch your favourite sport.

Absolutely hate such retarded people.

To be honest, I'm not a die-hard soccer fan- I won't die without catching Man U vs Liverpool- but when countries compete for the same trophy, it somehow makes the entire 'competition' much more interesting. During the UEFA Euro Cup 2 years back, I stayed out late nearly every night to watch the matches, but when EPL rolled around, I just wasn't that bothered except to catch a few Arsenal matches. Then World Cup came, and I've started staying out late again. Pity I've got to work full time now, and can't afford the late nights. Boohoo.

~*~

Just finished reading Xiaxue's blog. http://xiaxue.blogspot.com/2010/06/gay-conversion.html

I've mentioned this before I think, but somehow people just cannot seem to get it that gays don't choose to be that way. Who the hell would choose to be despised and rejected by society on purpose? Siao ah?

I don't remember ever bothering much about whether they chose to be gay or not, even before I found out the truth, but I've never understood why people cannot all these so-called "freaks". Just because its not a =o match does not make it a sin or a crime. Weirdly, even after this fact has undergone scientific studies and yielded quite significant results, people still don't get it. For a wonderful example, just look at our lovely legal system.

There are people around me whom I suspect are gay but are still in the closet. Haha.

But somehow I observe that lesbians are kinda more accepted than gays. People hardly bat an eye an lesbian couples cuddling each other but when gay couples so much as move slightly too close together, brows get raised and the whispering starts. What the heck.

Alright. Time to do a little packing up. I specially took half a day off just to go to the clinic to get an injection. Hopefully it will stop all those itchy, mosquito-bite looking lumps to stop popping up. Anything that will work, I will try. Haha. Ironically, I've still not called KK to rebook that appointment I missed that year, even though everyone's been nagging me about it for months. Procrastination. Yep, that's me. =)

loved

.Saturday, June 05, 2010 ' 12:50 AM Y

Exams start immediately after this weekend. I'm nervous. So very very nervous. The kind of feeling is comparable to O levels, and it totally sucks. Because O levels end after 2 weeks of continuous exams whereas CAT & ACCA exams happen every 6 months. Shucks.

I suppose I really should be studying, but my head is so crammed with costing and performance measurements and all that shit that I'm really exhausted. Revision for today involved a lot of crazy mutterings to myself as I tried unsuccessfully to figure out why I had to divide by 10,000 units for a certain question. Hmph!!

Today while on the way to work, one of the mandarin radio stations was doing this segment that discussed customer service levels in Singapore as well as basic courtesy between people. They accepted call-ins and you got the usual complaints like fucked-up drivers, uneducated RUDE people and all the what-nots.

IMO? I think none of us have the right to call in and complain. I can rattle on and on for probably HOURS about all the ugliness and rudeness of fellow Singaporeans, be it on the road, at public places, or even on the Internet. But if you really wanna nitpick, what right do I have to do so?

I don't really approve of the aunties rushing for seats on buses and MRTs, but I sometimes still try to be the first to board, although I don't literally plaster myself to the doors in MRT stations, like some people do. I'm not beyond "chopping" seats at foodcourts or coffeeshops, although not that stupid as to use things like tissue paper.

I absolutely HATE people who walk and walk and suddenly stop. Liken it to a scenario on the road where a car on the highway suddenly hits the brakes. What do you get? Chain accidents, that's what. And that is exactly what happens when people just stop in the midst of walking, without any awareness to the people who may behind them. Bloody irritating, I tell you. But still, sometimes, not very often, really, I still do that. For what, I can't remember. But I have recollections of doing so.

To cut a really long and boring old grandmother story short, I'm not flawless and not without my faults too. I think this goes for each and every single individual person, not just Singaporeans or people from any specific nationality, but every single human being that exists on this Earth.

Instead of complaining about all those ugly things we see, making such huge efforts to call in to radio stations or newspapers or to the police to complain about so much shit, perhaps what we all need is a little bit of self-reflection. If everyone could use all the time we spend complaining and bitching about the irritating, annoying habits of others on self-reflecting about our own irritating and annoying habits, I think the world would be a wonderful place indeed.

But as we all know, saying is so so SO much easier than doing. And let's be honest. We all LOVE bitching sessions. Yes. Even the men. They try to act cool and give the "I-don't-care" attitude, but they're just as much a sucker for gossip as women are. They're just better at concealing it. No. Women are more honest with their true feelings. xD

Bitching sessions. There is just something extremely satisfying about ranting on and on about some person or persons whom we dislike or have some horrifying habit to nitpick on. Its like how chocolate and sex triggers all the happy glands in our system. Oops. Too much of Barbara & Allan Pease (recommend Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love. Lovely book to discover about the sexes).

I think I need to do quite a lot of self-reflection. And more than that, I need to do implement a lot of changes to my entire self. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm setting the period immediately after exams to start a brand new lifestyle, which is gonna include more self-motivation and discipline as well as to start learning how to build my confidence and stop being the emo "blame-it-all-on-me" kiddo.

Somehow, I've just got to learn to halt those tendencies to blame myself for everything. Its making my whole mental and emotional side unhealthily unbalanced.

Hopefully this time it just might work.

Wish me luck! =)

loved