.Friday, February 15, 2013 ' 9:21 PM Y
After so many months of not blogging (and even when I did, entries were sparse and short), it's really ironic that ultimately, my blog has come the only platform for me to express myself without shouting out to the whole world. What I want is just to write out my thoughts and feelings, not for the whole world to judge me.
Yes, I'm feeling upset again. No idea why, but whenever I feel down, I just can't find it in me to confide in the besties. No, its not that I don't trust them. I love them more than my own sister, but that chunk of pride in me cannot face anyone looking at me with sympathy, no matter who it is. I'm sorry for that fact, because it just makes all the bad feelings well up inside of me with no place to be released. And that is why I write. Because writing is how I express myself best, and thinking and writing out the words in my brain feels like a release of some sort. And therefore here I am.
Somehow the guy I always thought I'd be marrying, is changing into someone I can hardly recognise anymore. I'm not going to go into details, because it would take days and nights to get it all organised and sorted into readable content, but this time round, I really feel like we're at a total impasse. Its exactly like what happened with M back then, but of course, he'd never agree or admit to this reference.
The past few days have been rounds after rounds of argument. Me trying to get him to understand where I come from, him trying to get me to understand and accept his actions. But its really difficult for me, and at this point I really don't know what to do. I brought up the idea of a break-up because I honestly felt that it is impossible for us to reach a compromise; because at the end of the day after so many rounds of arguing back and forth, he is still unable to give me what I want, and I am too proud to be the meek and unquestioning girlfriend. I'm now playing the ostrich game and retreating into my own shell. If I don't peek out, I can pretend that nothing is going on.
I'm hurt, real hurt, and I need to lick my wounds.
The last time this happened, my paternal grandmother passed away at the same time, and amidst the grief and the funeral preparations, I was distracted from feeling the hurt and anger of our quarrels. This time round, there weren't any distractions and I had to create my own.
It had always been a dream for me to do a solo trip to Taiwan (God knows I LOVE that place and could never tire of it), but in a relationship, its almost impossible to travel solo. Somehow I always knew that if I ever got hurt, it'd also be the place for me to go to. I daydreamed about it many times, imagining all sorts of bleak scenarios in my overactive mind. People always say, be careful what you wish for. Its really true.
In a fit of impulsiveness, I booked my ticket for 5 days from now. My first solo trip ever. And yes, its a successful enough distraction because all the planning and research in the middle of my busy work schedule (its closing period!) will be taking up all my time and stop my mind from churning out more negative thoughts.
I haven't mentioned a single word to anyone, nor can I boast about it on Facebook, because this is top secret. MY secret. I'll probably have to lie about some company trip thingy to my parents though. Oops. I know I'm being wilful and reckless but at that point of time when I bought the ticket, I really felt that I had to escape somewhere. I did kind of feel a little crazed out afterward, but the deed's already done and I can't turn back now.
I'll be back on the 24th (yes, 5 days all by myself on foreign soil, but I'll be fine) and let's hope that we'll both be feeling ready to face each other by then. I know I probably sound really crazy but hey, life is short! Let me be this crazy, this reckless, just this once. Maybe I need to get it out my system. Maybe this will help me let go of the little things that don't really matter. Maybe.
Trying to condition a lot of soothing articles into my system to calm my mind. To be honest, I'm also confused to the point that I don't know what I want. But I know the biggest factor holding my anger in place is my pride, but it is also this anger, this fire that is holding my emotions in check. Once the fire dies, so does my heart. The term "heavy heart" cannot apply to me because I cannot even feel my heart. Its not responding to my brain.
I really hope all this will come to pass, even though I don't have a single idea how its going to work out. But I believe everything in life is more or less fated. No matter what happens, it was probably written into our fates long ago. I am preparing myself for the worst, because I don't want to go through the same roller-coaster drop another time.
Last thing I would like to add is that I realised my mentality has really improved a lot, compared to a few years ago. Back then I'd probably be doing really silly things like cutting myself and downing pills, but this time, even though the thoughts did come back to haunt me, I have a stronger subconscious telling me that no, I have a lot more to live for, a lot more to treasure and I have to stay strong. I hope there comes a day when I can really learn the meaning of treasuring my own life, and that such negative thoughts don't enter my mind again.
P.S. Just received a call from his mom. God, I never expected that it would HIS mother giving me words of comfort. And even though I had to stay strong and reassure her, the tears I thought had already dried up came back again. Yes auntie, I will try to put up with him. I sincerely hope too, that we can get through this, but I have my pride too, and if he feels that he would rather spend his time with others instead of me, how could I ever accept that? But thank you for that call, it really meant the world to me.
