.Tuesday, February 26, 2013 ' 2:38 PM Y
Slowly trying to learn to get used to life without him. No, we haven't broken up, but it is a fact that he does not have as much time for as before, and it is fact that I've got to learn to accept that, no matter how reluctant I am.
First day back from Taiwan was hectic. Work piled up, and I stayed till really late to clear what I had to. Even though I was so tired, even though I really wanted to meet him, I couldn't. I thought perhaps he would be home earlier so we could at least chat awhile on the phone, but again, I thought too much.
I know better now. That instead of being the one the take the initiative and banging into walls over and over again, I shall wait for him to take the first step. I'm officially retreating into my world and if he wants to pull me back out, let him be the one to hold out his hand. I'm really sick of trying to make time for him, only for him to tell me that he isn't free. I'm sick of having to push away my own schedules to accommodate his all the time.
And I realised that, for the first time in many years, I'm really hesitant about the direction of our relationship. I no longer dare to think about a future that looks so uncertain. My 4th aunt's son is getting married this weekend and we're invited to the dinner. Somewhere along the conversation, our wedding was mentioned. I didn't dare say a word.
If you'd asked me months before, I would have told you with the utmost conviction that our wedding date was set. Now if you ask me the same question, I won't know how to answer anymore. The initial plan was to solemnise this coming September. But all along it was only wishful thinking on my part. He never said a word, never popped the question (even with less than 6 months to go), never even thought about buying the rings. Perhaps he took it for granted that I'd do all the planning, perhaps he thought he didn't need to do anything. I ignored all these right to the point during the quarrel when I knew I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Even if he cannot be the romantic kind of boyfriend, even if he cannot be caring enough to sense my needs, he shouldn't be getting away without at least a formal proposal.
I'm really laughing bitterly at myself now. I remember we used to look at some other couples and think that perhaps they wouldn't last long. I know that's a really bad thing to do, but back then I was so over-confident in our relationship, and over-confidence made me arrogant. Well, I'm definitely stuffed to the brim with humble pie now.
Back then I always dreamed about how our future home would be like, how we would be so happy together. Now I honestly do not dare to think beyond the next week. Because I am re-walking this relationship one step at a time and re-adjusting my tolerance limit along the way. I know I promised to give him a chance to strike a balance between spending time with me and with his kakis, but I am firm in the belief that I should always have priority. And if he cannot give me this priority, then perhaps, painful as the decision will be, we should be going our separate ways. I honestly cannot live a future where I am always alone in bed wondering whether my husband will be home this night.
He has really changed a lot. From the time where he truly hated having to go drinking and socialising with them, from when I had to be the one to push him to go out and relax a little, to the point now where he is already totally addicted to drinking and having fun with them, where he cannot resist the temptation to go whenever they ask him along. Which is nearly every single day. Somewhere along this transition I was already slowly losing him. Perhaps I realised too late.
I really don't know if this chance will amount to anything; whether things can really get better. I don't know if I can get past my own pride and stubbornness to forget and forgive, but I know this is going to cast a shadow between us for the longest time. If ever the time comes for me to decide to let go, will I be strong enough to make that decision?
Please just kill me now.