.Monday, February 18, 2013 ' 2:55 AM Y
Sometimes a moment of recklessness can have its consequences.
Its been 3 days since our huge fight, and all that's left now is my pride. I know that if only I am humble enough to put down my pride and let go of my already-cooled anger, we can still work things out. But the stubborn-headedness in me is still waiting for him to open his mouth to apologise and ask me to go back to him. Words that I probably would never hear even till the day I die. So the dilemma is, do I want my pride or do I want back my relationship? So many years of memories entwined together; I know I can't let it go.
I'm actually very surprised to realise that I'm very nervous about this solo trip. Although I made my itinerary simple, although I always thought it would be something I would want to do someday, I guess right now I'm not ready yet. Butterflies in my stomach fluttering around. I hope I don't hyperventilate during the flight. Just kidding.
But I miss him. I miss him so much I'm starting to berate myself for quarreling. Would things not have come to this if not for my own insecurities? Was it my fault? But I'm selfish. My boyfriend, my hubby. He should be MINE. Why should I share with other girls?
Gosh, I'm so confused now. I can hardly remember the cause of our fight. All the details of our arguments have blended such that I cannot differentiate one from the other.Why did we come to this? Were we both too stubborn?
If we make up, how do we move on from this? How am I going to remove that block from heart to truly give him another chance without being paranoid?
I really don't know what to do now, but I really hope that we can be together. That there will be a proper future for us together. I truly wish I hadn't been that reckless but there is no turning back now. I will go for the trip and use the time and to sort out my thoughts. To try and persuade my pride to subside.
Its the annual Lantern Festival now in Taiwan, and also coincidentally, the cherry blossoms period. This will be my first time going for the festival and also my first time seeing cherry blossoms in full bloom. I always knew I'd be doing these things someday, but I just never imagined that I'd be doing it alone. I wish for him to be by my side, but I don't think that is going be possible.
To my two good sisters, I'd like to thank them for being by my side through this all. For their quick understanding and their encouragements. For giving me advice and for providing a listening ear. Right now I'm nothing but a vulnerable wreck. I know that at the end of the day, all my pride and strong facade will not stop me from crawling back to him to be that "small woman" at his side, but thanks for allowing me to pretend, even for just a few days, that I am strong enough to live without him.
And now it is only a matter of time. Please let it not be too late.
