.Sunday, March 17, 2013 ' 8:25 PM Y
2 more days to the trip. Things are still at a standstill, and we're still quarreling everyday. I know its mostly my fault; I just can't seem to control myself. I think we are considered to be split for now.
My heart refuses to believe that my future could be without him, but my mind tells me to be rational and stop clinging onto false hope. I'm so confused that I really don't know what to do. We have so many things linked together; how are we going to separate all of it just like that?
Its going to be tough telling the whole world that we're no longer together. I feel like a goddamn failure; I won't know how to face the world. And the flat. The dream home I always thought would be ours someday. Do I really have to give it up?
How I wish I could have a whole span of time away from this world. Maybe travel around on my own so that I don't have to face all these nasty things. I hope my parents can love and understand me enough to accept the bad news. I hope my relatives can be kind and understanding enough to not laugh and point fingers. I hope the world in general can be understanding enough to not judge and make it harder for me to face them. I hope one day my heart can be warm again, and that I can still find my Mr. Right, that love will find me again and I can find happiness again.
And the vehement side of me hopes that one day he will utterly regret losing me. I may not be the best girl in the world, but I dare say I have been more than a fantastic girlfriend to him. I hope one day he wakes up and realises what a dickhead he was to treat me like he did.
I'm going to need a ton of time to move on. I don't know how long I'll need to pull myself out of this, and its drains all my strength every single to just keep going, to bring myself out as per normal to face the world. I really hope that one day I will fully recover from this, enough to seek love again. In the meantime, I shall set myself to the task of improving myself. I'll take this period to be the caterpillar in its cocoon and hope that in time, I will emerge as a butterfly.
Top things on my list:
- Slim down
- Take up Japanese language classes again
- Return Dad's money asap
- NO more being lazy. Push myself to actively find and do my freelance accounting. I need money!!!'
- Take up vocal classes in the near future
- Continue exploring the world!
Throughout all these, I've realised that I really have very bad split personalities. One very extremely negative, and one slightly more positive and rational. The latter keeps me going strong, and I hope one day my dominant personality can be the latter one. I will try my very best to walk the straight path, although the devil's been whispering in my ear for weeks now to let myself go and stray into the dark. Its been really tempting to just give up on myself but I suppose life is just like that. How many of us can just do what we want and ignore the repercussions? I know I definitely can't. I don't want to wake up one day hating myself even more than I already do now.
I sometimes still wonder what sin I committed to deserve all this shit, but I don't wanna dwell too long on that anymore. I can't possibly spend the rest of my life in this cloud while he moves on happily, can I? I still have to pursue my own dreams and live my own life. Everything still feels so unreal, even though its not the first time this has happened. I've forgotten the pain from the past, and how I overcame it, but I shall have to pull myself through once more.
