.Monday, March 04, 2013 ' 12:27 AM Y
After another major quarrel yesterday, my heart is truly dead. For some unfathomable reason he finds it really difficult to include me in his world and I am sick and tired of hoping to join in. I gave him my word that from now on I will not attempt to control or complain about his actions, his whereabouts and his companions. I have truly given up.
I cannot understand why he continues to claim to love me when he is the one who keeps keeping me apart from his friends and colleagues. Is it too much to ask to want to be a part of his group of friends too?
I don't wish to think any more. The more I think the angrier and more heartbroken I become. Perhaps its best for both of us to not ask, not know and not care about each other's actions. There is no happiness to be shared because he refuses to be a part of mine and does not allow me to be part of his. Therefore let's just save me all the tears of anger and heartache. I'm slowly numbing my heart to all this now.
Yesterday during my cousin's wedding dinner, when they played the video of him and his bride saying the wedding vows, all I could think of was "Its all so meaningless."
And yes, if we ever marry its just going to be an empty shell of a marriage with him leading his life with his friends and I living my life with mine. How sad. I still wonder what exactly I've done wrong to deserve all this but lately I've become adept at conditioning my mind to block out thoughts that I don't wanna think about.
I'm taking life one day at a time now. Planning too far into the future cost me a huge heartache and I'm not ready to think so far again. Today in JB with the girls, I saw that my favourite jewellery store Love & Co had opened a branched in City Square. For a while, out of old habit, I was happy and automatically wanted to peek at the range of wedding rings. And then I remembered that its pointless any more. I think this is the first time in about 2 years that I've ever walked past so many jewellery shops without peeking into the windows. Wish I had that kind of steely determination to fully focus during work and not give in to the urge to surf the Net when I should be working.
Let Fate decide my future. Let him be the one to take the initiative this time. I'm done always being the to put in time and effort that no one appreciates.