.Wednesday, March 06, 2013 ' 1:28 AM Y
For so long I've felt like the 3rd party instead of her. For so long I've been struggling and debating over whether to reassert myself as the real GF or to just hide quietly in my corner and leave them alone. I said as much to him, but as usual, I don't think he could grasp how I felt.
We quarreled again in the morning. I felt bad about it because I knew he was really sick and unwell, but I just couldn't control myself. But then I think I finally sorted out my thoughts.
Somewhere, somehow, between the journey out to lunch and back, the pieces of the puzzle clicked into place.
I now realise that my jealousy and insecurity over her, and the fact that he is so unwilling to allow me into that part of his world is actually interlinked. For many days I've been thinking and wondering whether it really was my fault. Am I too insecure? Am I too jealous? If so why? I compared myself to a lot of other attached people I know whom are also close to friends with the opposite gender. And then I realised. That it is because that he tries so hard to keep me apart from his friends that makes me all the more suspicious, even when he isn't really doing anything wrong.
If only he were willing to include me in his social circle. If only he had given me and them a chance to be friends too. If only he could have shown me that there was nothing to be jealous over. If only... But I suppose this is all too late now. Once distrust has taken root, it is very difficult to remove it. I chose not to reveal this "revelation" to him because I don't want him to think I'm forcing him to include me in his clique and because I really don't want to fight and argue over the rights and wrongs anymore.
During lunch, while waiting for my food to be ready, Faye Wong's 我愿意 kept playing in my mind. Googling the lyrics, I came across this line: 我愿意为你被放逐天际 只要你真心拿爱与我回应, 什么都愿意 什么都愿意为你.
I recalled the nights sobbing my guts out, remembered all my suicidal thoughts over this huge obstacle in our relationship and then I realised that if I can be willing to give up my own life for him, what more can I not tolerate? It was as though a huge rock had been lifted from my heart. I still find it hard to accept him spending so much time with her. I still hope against hope that at the end of the day, his choice will still be me. But I'm not going to cling on so tight anymore. As I said, what's meant to be mine will be mine. If I've got to fight so hard to keep him by my side, I'd rather let the both of us go.
This evening while out with Simin for dinner and movie, I felt so self-conscious when the topic of marriage and HDB came up. The idea that we could possibly still get married and move into our flat. The one
we've I've been waiting and dreaming of. Once again I caught myself thinking too far in the future. So quickly, I changed the subject because I didn't want to think about it. If its meant to happen, it will happen.
Tonight I realised that the numbing, aching feeling I got in my heart whenever I got upset at knowing they'd be spending time together again has somewhat lessened. I don't know if that is a good or bad sign. I also realised that we both probably have a long way to go if we wanna find back our love as it used to be, but I'll be taking a shot. I'm still going to tamp my hopes down just in case, but I'll try.
In the meantime, I think I'm just going to continue to ignore what I don't want to face. Life is easier this way.