.Tuesday, March 12, 2013 ' 2:33 AM Y
Had quite a long chat with Issey today, and she really helped to sort out a lot of my thoughts. Basically, she delivered that long overdue slap that I've been needing to wake me up. I admit that I'm still that lost little girl waiting for his heart to open up to me once more, but I've also finally opened my eyes to the fact that I probably need to make a lot of changes to myself, both on the inside and the outside at the same time.
All these years, because of him, I've been letting myself slowly slide into a slump. I lived my entire life for him and forgot that I'm also a living, breathing human who needs love and care to shine. I showered all these on him but left nothing for myself. I've been so busy wanting to take care of him that I didn't even realise that I've neglected myself.
And perhaps because he has been so safe and secure in the knowledge that I'd be there for him no matter what, he started taking me for granted, whether consciously or not. I truly don't believe that there is no love left, just that the spark is fizzling out because things were getting too routine. It was a comfortable routine, but then distractions came onto his path and roused his interest.
I can't continue slumping in my corner waiting for him to come back to me. I still want him back of course. I still hope that he can tell me that he loves me with all his heart, that if we ever do marry, it will be based on our love for each other, and not out of a sense of habit or obligation to each other. I still hope that we can be the world for each other, just as we used to be.
But this time I won't allow myself to neglect myself anymore. I can't let myself go to waste. I really have to pick myself up, stop being that lazy bum and really set about effecting the change that I keep daydreaming about. Things like my appearance, my lifestyle, my social circle and broadening my own horizons.
I know its impossible to do a 180 degree change overnight but step by step, I have to start improving myself for myself and not for anyone else. I know it sounds way easier than it seems but I've got start somewhere don't I?
And if the worst case scenario really happens (please, if there is justice in this world, don't let it happen), I've got to distract myself as much as possible because I know I will simply fall apart if I don't. I really don't want to imagine that but I'm really so afraid. I don't really know how I'm going to truly enjoy the trip when the only thing that keeps weighing on my mind is whether he will be able to give me the answer I want to hear.
Off to bed now. No tears tonight I hope. So far nothing to trigger them, but my emotions have been an unstable roller-coaster for the past few weeks. Please let me get through this ride unscathed.
