.Thursday, March 14, 2013 ' 2:48 AM Y
I realised that, completely opposite to a lot of other people, my period comes when I am particularly stressed or upset about a certain issue. When I'm relaxed and life is normal, it doesn't come. After going for so long with having regular periods, its become a bother to have to deal with them instead of routine.
I've been a huge bundle of contradictions the past few weeks. One moment I'm the "small woman" who is content to wait quietly for him to sort his thoughts out, the next moment I'm the independent girl who doesn't need to take selfish shit from a guy. And yes, I think he's just being selfish and indecisive. I honestly don't know what they've been feeding into his system over at his company but I think he's sunk in so deep that he's being blinded to a lot of things. I don't know how to get through to him anymore.
At the end of the day, he is still naught but a man. Smart brain on top, stupid brain below. I can't stand him spending any single minute of his time with her. Call me crazy, call me jealous, call me a control freak. Whatever. I don't care whether she is plain dumb or if she's smart and has ulterior motives. All I know is that I fucking cannot stand her presence near him. If you fucking know that someone is attached and near the point of marriage, don't be a bitch and step your leg in, intentionally or not.
Its getting really tiring; all this dragging, all this time spent in uncertainty. I just want to know whether he still loves me. I know I'm being uber impatient but hello? Does one really need such a long time to wrestle with that question? I know for sure that if we decide to go our separate ways, I'd never be able to do what he expects: Pretend nothing went wrong and remain good friends. Sorry but I will definitely need to retreat somewhere to lick my wounds and I don't know when I can finally emerge from that cocoon. Whenever he brings up anything relating to the future that includes both of us in it, I hesitate because I truly don't dare to hope. And it does shit to me, because when I hesitate it hurts. When I don't hesitate, I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt worse. So what do I do?!!
To be brutally honest, I'm not even looking forward to the trip much anymore. But I'm still going ahead because I've talked about the trip for so long. We've invested so much money, I've spent so much effort on the itinerary. It'd be stupid to let all that go to waste just for one undeserving guy.
I don't know how to get my mind out of this whirling pool of confusing thoughts. On one hand I don't want him to give up this opportunity to switch over to the marketing department because I know he really wants it. I don't want to be the one to force him to give up the opportunity and years down the road blame me for it. But for selfish reasons, I want him out of that company. I want him far away from her, from all those distractions. I know full well that if he stays on, our relationship will just be full of quarrels. Even if we manage to stay together now, we'd still end up apart.
Given a choice, who wouldn't want to be rich? But if this is what it takes to reach that peak, if we have to go through even greater suffering and pass through more obstacles then no thanks I'd much rather be contented with what we have. I think I finally understand why rich people will always tell you that no matter how much money you have, happiness can't be bought. Along that climb to the top, you've probably sacrificed a lot of time and people, and when you reach the top and look back, there are probably so many regrets that you can't help but ask yourself, what was the purpose of the climb?
I know he's too stubborn to listen to all this now. Like I said, I honestly don't know how to get through to him anymore. Whenever we talk, I can't help but bristle like a hedgehog and keep making barbed comments. I know its an irritating trait of mine, but its also my way of protecting myself. Even if I'm weak and all mush inside, I've still got to present a tough facade. This is the most basic layer of self-defense.
The only thing I have left to bank on and put my hopes upon is that 6 and a half years of going through thick and thin will prove to be strong and solid enough to break through that fog in his brain and heart. If not... I want to find a faraway place to go and be alone and not face the world for a little while. I can say with a clear conscience that over this past 6 years, no matter how bad my temper has been, no matter how unreasonable or how "princessy" I've been, I have given him and our relationship a fully whole and complete me. My entire heart, my entire soul. Maybe its too much to expect the same from him?
Maybe all this is just retribution. 6 years ago I was the 3rd party between him and Van. I can make all sorts of excuses to comfort myself, that they weren't really in love; that he was already planning to call it quits with her. But nothing can deny the fact that he was still with her. So maybe this is my punishment. Maybe this is retribution. That I am fated to have a 3rd party destroy my relationship too. I can still recall many things. Like how he dragged his feet opening his mouth to initiate the break up with her, like how he once promised me long ago that he'd never make me cry every again. Empty words, childish promises that probably never meant anything to him. God knows I've cried my fair share of tears over the past years for him.
No matter how strong and independent I put myself out to be, at the end of the day I am just a very normal girl. A hopeless romantic wanting to love and to be loved. Who do I have to pray to to obtain my answers? Please, whoever or whatever, if he is not the one for me, give me a sign so that I don't foolishly hang on. When I look up I cannot see what exactly is it that I'm hanging on to anymore.
