.Monday, March 04, 2013 ' 4:59 PM Y
I think I haven't cried as hard and as long as I did last night. Only when the fact sink in that there might really be a break up did I realise that its really not what I want. So I just have to work harder to condition myself not to care about his actions anymore.
I am trying my best to surround myself with work and lots of different activities to take my mind off all this shit that's been happening. I feel as though I haven't been truly happy in a long while and I miss my own laughter. So now after so many tears, I've decided to let go and just let myself be carried from day to day by the flow of life. If at the end of the day he really decides that he really cannot let me into his world then there will come the day that we really have to walk our own paths.
It hurts a lot trying to let go. Afterall over the past 7 years, we've been meeting almost every single day. A lot of the things I've done, the place I've gone to and the people I've meet, are all inter-linked with memories of him. Everywhere I turn to I inadvertently think of him. And its really taking a very huge effort to try and block that out. I'm also blocking out any shred of hope that is looking to weasel into my heart because I know from experience that the higher the hopes, the harder the fall. For a while I forgot, and I fell so hard that I don't know how to pick myself up. But still I have to try.
I was feeling suicidal again last night. For those long hours all I could think of was to jump out the open window, or to slit my own wrists again (I still have those shards from glass from many years back), or to down pills. So silly, and so weak. But I know at the end of the day, these are just silly thoughts. I won't let myself act so recklessly anymore. Now that I have one less person to depend on, I have to be stronger for myself.
One day at a time, one step at a time. Harden my heart, numb out my feelings. I can be stronger.