.Thursday, April 18, 2013 ' 6:40 PM Y
Day by day I'm learning to cope with the pain.
I'm still screaming inside, but I'm slowly learning to function like normal again. Even if I have to act normal.
I miss him like crazy. I wish so hard that he could come back to me. If I wish hard enough, will it come true?
I really can't imagine what life is going to be like for me weeks, months, years down the road. I only know that right now, I am walking day by day, step by step.
I still cannot understand how someone could just let go of a 6-year relationship like that. I don't think I ever will. But I will move on.
I'm probably at my most vulnerable now. I'm in a state of denial where I don't want to face anything that might remotely link me back to those past memories. I want to pretend that it all hasn't happened. I want to forget. Maybe one day I can face these memories again with a smile and a light heart, but now, I just want to erase them all.
I hope one day he can wake up and realise that he let go of something truly precious, that our paths can merge again. But for now, I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I just want to go to sleep for years.
I'm still very much emotionally unstable. One moment all I really need someone to be with me, the next moment I just want to be alone and shut the world out. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy soon. Sometimes I feel at peace, sometimes I want to scream and tear my hair out.
How could one person impact my life so much? I never could have imagined. But all I can say is that I will never allow another individual to hold such power over me anymore.
6 years. I lived and breathed for him. I wish I could hate him, but I can't even do that. Every morning I wake up, the love for him hits so hard that I ache all over again. Every night I miss him so fucking much that I just want to end it all.
Am I sinking into depression? I really don't know. One minute I am smiling and laughing, the next minute I'm leaking tears again. All I know is that I just want each day to pass as fast as possible. I dread the nights the most. I don't want to be alone because I know my thoughts will drift. I don't want to hang out because I just don't have the mood and I don't want to dampen anybody's mood.