.Tuesday, April 23, 2013 ' 5:30 PM Y
I realise I really am going into full shutdown mode. All I want to do is lock myself in my room and gorge myself silly watching Running Man. Just not in the mood to move my ass much.
I've still been in contact with him these past few weeks but its like, I don't know how to talk to him anymore?
Its really hard to explain this but its like, you know there's this awareness that, hey this guy's not my boyfriend anymore, so I don't have the right to ask questions that are too personal anymore. And although I really miss the old buddy to whom I could just talk to about anything under the sun, it feels as that that friend died together with the fact that he's not my boyfriend anymore.
One of the positives of my newfound singlehood is that now I really have the freedom to do all sorts of shit I'd never have been able to do before. Like summer school. I'm still being tentative about this freedom because I don't want to fly too high and lose myself. All of a sudden I feel as though I want to take on the whole world but I don't know if I'm trying to escape from reality or is it because I've been surpressing myself too long.
Sometimes I really feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Is this normal? Everything feels the same but so different at the same time. And I'm starting to get headaches more often. Is it from overthinking? There's this huge jumble of thoughts that I've been struggling to sort out and make sense of. And its really draining to think so much, so hard.
I instinctively know that if he came back now I'd still take him back but at the same time, I feel as though I don't know this person anymore. Am I just being stubborn? What exactly is it that I am clinging on to? I have no idea!
Running Man is the only thing that's keeping me sane nowadays and I am totally NOT exaggerating. Its the only time where I can take my mind off everything. I know I'm like a coward now. I just want to hide my head in a hole and not face the world but its really tiring to put on a smiley face day after day, although its getting slightly easier.
Will not be updating for a while because I know it will just be a jumble of nonsense. I hope I can really sort out my mind soon.
