.Monday, April 22, 2013 ' 11:57 AM Y
Sometimes I feel like I can hardly recognise myself. Who am I? What am I doing? Why am I what I've become?
Sometimes I feel so confused. Life seems so much the same, but also so much different. The people around me are the still the same. The places I go to look the same. But the feeling isn't the same anymore. I can't accurately describe this feel, but its just off.
I seldom cry anymore. Sometimes the tears threaten, but its getting easier to hold them back.
I'm starting to feel really restless and irritated very easily. Fighting hard to keep myself from going into shutdown mode as per years before. That urge to just cut off from the world is getting stronger now that the numbness from the pain is wearing off. Its not that I hate the world. Its just that I can't find the energy or the mood to entertain more than 2 people at a time. And even then I sometimes don't even what the hell I'm doing. Weird shit.
I wish I could have been smarter, saved more money, built up more resources. What I really want now is to leave this place and never come back. But I know I can't. I've decided to go for summer school (like, really decided. 100%) next year, probably in Tokyo. And so now I have like 1 year's time to stock up my bank account.
I know this slump, this mood I'm in, is probably going to irritate a lot of people out there. Sooner or later. Hell. I feel irritated and pissed at myself more than anyone knows. Its also the reason why I wanna lock myself up. I feel like a possessed animal sometimes. Like as though I'm gonna go on a rampage. BITE!
See? I'm seriously crazy.
Right. Gonna go off now. Lets hope this crazy ass mood fades off real fast or the next thing you know, I just might be checking in to IMH.