.Friday, May 17, 2013 ' 2:19 PM Y
I'm back! But I'm also moving to WordPress.
Its been almost 2 months since the breakup, and no, I wouldn't say I've totally moved on, but I'm taking baby steps, and what is most important right now is for me to start over anew. For too many years, my whole life has been centered around him. Its taking me a lot of effort to shift away from that habit now.
I still think of him pretty often. I miss the days of joy and laughter we had. I miss the best friend I could turn to no matter what happened. I miss the movie dates we used to have nearly every week. I miss a lot of things. Even now, I still get reminded of him and of us no matter where I go or what I do. I walk past jewellery stores or furniture shops and have to purposely turn my head because I am reminded of what was almost mine but is no more. I avoid news and topics about houses, weddings or what-nots because it is too painful to be reminded that the flat I had been coveting for so long is now out of my reach.
I'm like a drug addict in rehabilitation and the withdrawal symptoms are shit to go through, but each day it gets easier. I'm still very empty inside, but I hope one day I can fill up that empty space inside of me again.
I'm starting over a brand new chapter of life in many aspects. The most important of which is learning to start loving myself. All these years I've always put the people around me as my topmost priority. During the six and a half years we were together, I always put his happiness above my own, especially after we had applied for the flat. To me, he was the one who I was going to marry anyway, and (call me stupid if you like) I believed that as long as he was happy, I would be too.
After everything fell apart, I went through this really painful period of self-doubt, self-hate, and self-blame. I felt that I was the one who had caused him to stop loving me. That I was the one who had destroyed it all by not being good enough, not treating him well enough. I was depressed, suicidal and I seriously contemplated going to a shrink because the frequency of suicidal thoughts swimming around in my mind alarmed even myself.
But as the days went by I started to realise that, in every situation, it take two hands to clap. Sure, I might have been foul-tempered and slightly too unreasonable, but he was the one who disrespected me by continuing to flirt and play around with that girl despite me telling him countless times to not cross the limits. He was the one who decided to end the relationship despite me pleading with him so many times to just give it one more try. He was the one who didn't know how to treasure me and those six years of myself I had given to him. All that we had gone through, all that I had been willing to go through with him, all that we could have been. To him, it didn't matter anymore. It stung badly, but there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
I don't know if I'll ever regret my decision to remove and erase anything that evokes memories of him and us, but right now I can't deal with those memories and I choose to run. Maybe I'm being cowardly or maybe one day I'll look back and berate myself for being so stupid, but at this moment in time, it is what I feel I need to do and I'm sticking with it.
Its not going to be an easy journey to find my self-confidence and to learn to love who I am, but I am going to learn. During the initial phase of the breakup, I was needy and clingy. I needed constant companionship and I was scared to try out new things alone simply because I didn't want to be by myself. But now I realise that there is nothing to be scared about. As long I like what I am doing, as long as I know it is what I want to do, I shall go for what I want. If anyone wants to tag alone, welcome. If not, then I will be my own support.
I'm permanently moving back to WordPress because I have a different concept of what I'm going to be writing about from now on, but I won't give up on this blog. It contains more than 7 years of my life stories and although I want to start afresh now, I know I can't cut off everything just like this. Maybe I'll come back again someday, or maybe I'll do the occasional posts here but whatever it is, I'll be keeping this blog as a memory of the innocence and naivety I used to have.
Goodbye Blogger. Goodbye rain-of-rubies. I'm gonna miss you but I'm gonna have fun at a brand new place now. I'll post the new link once I've sorted out all the layouts and stuff over at the new blog. Cheers to the start of a brand new journey!